It’s Probably A Jennifer Lawrence Movie

, , , , , | Right | April 3, 2018

(In the heyday of the video rental industry, I work at one of the largest national chains. As a big-time film geek, I can often figure out what title an individual is seeking with only the most basic of information.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a movie, and that guy over there—” *points to coworker* “—says I should talk to you.”

Me: “Okay, maybe I can help. Is it a new release or an older film?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Did it come out recently, say, in the last year or two, or is it older?”

Customer: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, that will give me some insight as to where it is in the store.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know when it came out.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me what it’s about?”

Customer: “Not really. It just looked good.”

Me: *trying a different tactic* “Do you know who’s in it?”

Customer: “It’s that girl. The one that’s in all those other movies.”

(I can feel my blood pressure rising.)

Me: “I’m afraid I’ll need a little more information than that. Do you know her name, or what other movies she’s been in?”

Customer: *shakes her head* “No. Your coworker said you could help me.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m trying, but you’re not giving me much to work with. Can you give me some idea as to what the movie is about?”

Customer: *groaning* “It’s about a girl who goes home.”

Me: *just taking a stab* “Is it Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael?”

Customer: *seemingly appalled* “No! I don’t even know what that is! Look. Are you going to help me or not? I’m looking for that movie. It’s about a girl who goes home!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but that could be any number of movies on our shelves.”

Customer: *shouting* “No, it couldn’t! It’s about a girl who goes home, and it’s got that girl who’s been in those other movies! You’re no help!”

(And with that, she stormed off.)

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Take It Or Leave It

, , , , , , | Related | March 8, 2018

(My parents have been married for 21 years, and whenever we ask my dad how my mom has put up with his antics over the years, he replies with one of three things.)

Dad: “She was super drunk when she married me, and now she’s in too deep.”

Dad: “She doesn’t have the patience to train another one.”

Dad: “I’m too sexy for her to stay away.”

(When asked the same question, my mom always says:)

Mom: “I stayed for your brother.”

(My parents often joke that my mom married my dad for my brother, as my brother is from my dad’s first marriage.)

Mom: “He isn’t 18 yet, and whoever leaves gets the kids!”

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Nana Nono

, , , , , , | Related | March 7, 2018

(My nieces call my mother “Nana.” They also love the movie “Sing,” which has a character named Nana. This usually prompts us to say the character’s full name, but once I forget, and this happens.)

Me: “Do you like Nana?”

Niece: “Yeah.”

Me: *to niece as we hear the garage door open* “Nana’s home!”

Niece: *points at iPad, where she’s watching ‘Sing’* “Nana here.”

Me: “No, Nana, not Nana Noodleman!”

Niece: *forcefully* “Nana HERE!”

(Since then, I’m careful to call the character Nana Noodleman at all times.)

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Sew It Seams

, , , , | Right | March 5, 2018

(I have had some variation of this conversation more times than I ever would have expected.)

Customer: “Hey, I have this project I’m making, but I don’t want to sew it.”

Me: “No problem! We have some fabric glues I can show you.”

Customer: “Actually, I thought I’d just use Velcro.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Do you need the seam to open?”

Customer: “No, I just want it to stay together.”

Me: “And… how are you planning to attach the Velcro to the fabric?”

Customer: “Um…”

Me: “You would have to either sew it or use fabric glue. And if you don’t need it to open, you might as well save yourself the step.”

Customer: *pause* “Where is the fabric glue, again?”

(I guess Velcro isn’t as intuitive as I thought!)

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Unfiltered Story #106691

, , , | Unfiltered | March 5, 2018

(Recently a very close friend of my father’s passed away in a tragic accident. This friend is a plumber and always helped my dad with our plumbing issues, because, as my dad said, he’s “a dumb-a**” when it comes to plumbing. This happens a month later. The friend lived on a farm, and my dad has been helping his wife out with the animals. We also have a dark sense of humor.)

Dad: “The f****** sheep got out again. We’re fixing the fence tomorrow.”

Me: “D*** it, again?”

Dad: *nods and looks up at the sky* “D*** it, [Friend], you had to die now? Not only do I need to find a new plumber, I gotta deal with a**-hole sheep!”

Me: *laughing* “Yeah, come on, Uncle [Friend]. Really inconvenient time for you to die.”

(Maybe a dark joke, but I know [Friend] was laughing up in Heaven.)