Screaming About Everything Including The Kitchen Sink

, , , , , | Right | August 24, 2018

(I work in home improvement, and sell anything from toilets to fancy shower heads. I just sold a woman a kitchen sink last week. I get a call.)

Caller: “There is no cut-out template for this sink! You should have made me one when I picked the sink up last week! My counter guys will be here tomorrow!”

Me: “Oh, is this the cast iron sink from last week?”

Caller: “Yes, who do you think it is?!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, it’s been a busy few days! That sink is a 33×22 and just drops into a hole, so whoever is installing your counter tops should be able to just simply cut out the normal template for a sink.”

Caller: “We don’t have a template! That is the problem! How will they install tomorrow?”

Me: “The sink is the normal size for a kitchen, and has a normal shape to it. The counter installers should be able to simply cut a hole based on that. A lot of companies only send out templates if there is an unusual shape to the sink, or if it is not the average size.”

Customer: “Do you not understand that I don’t have a template?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I am saying that the counter installers should not need one for this sink. It’s a normal, rectangular 33×22, so they just need to cut the same hole they would for any sink.”

Customer: “God, you don’t get it. Make me a template!”

Me: “I don’t have the means to create a template. You need a specialized printer for that. The company who makes the sink will have them online and you can take the file to a print shop, but with this size of sink, just tell your counter installers to use the basic template. They will be able to measure the sink and see what hole to cut. Have they seen the sink yet?”

Customer: “So, will you print me a template or not?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have the means to print that for you. But you just need to talk to your counter—”

Customer: “You are refusing to print one for me?”

Me: “If I had a printer capable, I would happily print a template. However, my store does not have these. You would need to go to a print shop, but I would suggest calling your counter installer and giving them the sink dimensions. They will be able to install it with no problems.”

Customer: “I’m going to report you for refusing to help me!”

Me: “Ma’am, you may report me if you wish, but you just need to tell your counter installers that you have a basic 33×22 top-mounted sink. They will be able to install it.”

Customer: “Unbelievable!”

(I never got a complaint and she never called back. I’ve never had someone refuse to listen so stubbornly before.)

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Happiness Reduces After Employment

, , , , , | Right | August 13, 2018

(I am the customer in this story. I decide to get some snacks after getting gas. I walk into the convenience store, where I see a sign that says, “Now hiring happy people!” I walk up to the counter after selecting my items.)

Me: “I’m just waiting for the lawsuit for discrimination because you only hire happy people.”

Employee: “Yeah, discrimination against sad people.”

Me: “I should start a business where I only hire sad people.”

Employee: “I wonder what kind of business that would be.”

Me: *after thinking a second* “Political!”

(The employee cracks up, and so does customer behind me.)

Customer: “Well, at least they can’t tax humor!”

Me: “They can try!”

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Error 404: Sympathy Not Found

, , , , | Right | June 8, 2018

(It is Black Friday around eight pm. I have already worked about 20 hours since Thanksgiving, between my two jobs. I am woozy and wobbling on my feet from exhaustion, but I’m doing my best to stay polite, professional, and helpful to customers. A woman approaches my register.)

Me: “Hey, how are you?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m just so exhausted from shopping all day! We’ve been going since seven this morning. Started over at the outlet mall and just made our way over. But, my goodness, shopping is tiring! You wouldn’t believe how many people are out there! Like, doesn’t anyone spend Thanksgiving weekend with their family anymore? It’s ridiculous! I don’t know how anyone could spend more than a couple of hours surrounded by this kind of chaos! I just can not wait to get home and go to bed, but I still have so many other stores to hit.”

(All I could do was stand there, dumbfounded, as I rung up her purchases. It took every bit of willpower I had left to not yell, “YOU’RE tired?! You can go home! This is my life!”)

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It’s Soy Bad For You!

, , , , | Right | May 23, 2018

(I work at a popular smoothie shop where we have two kinds of protein powder customers can add. Most people just say “protein” and I have to ask them to specify.)

Me: “Would you like to put any [extras] in that today?”

Customer: “Yeah, protein.”

Me: “Is that whey or soy protein?”

Customer: *looking very serious* “Oh, whey, of course. Soy is very bad for you, you know.”

(I don’t know how I manage to keep a straight face, but I finish the transaction in perfect professionalism, hand him the key to the bathroom when he requests it, and go straight to the shift leader once he’s disappeared.)

Me: “That guy just told me he definitely wanted whey protein because, and I quote, ‘soy is bad for you.’”

Shift Leader: “You mean the guy who just came in smelling like a pack of cigarettes?”

Me: “Yup! That guy!”

(Our whole store smelled like cigarette smoke for a good ten minutes after he left. But, “soy is bad for you!”)

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When The Plant Isn’t The Dumbest Thing In The Room

, , , , | Right | April 10, 2018

(I’m standing in the middle of the front nursery, surrounded by plants, and I see a customer who looks lost.)

Me: “Are you finding everything all right?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a plant. It’s green. And it has leaves.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Do you have it?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Oh, jeez. That was stupid.”

(I could almost hear her mental facepalm.)

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