(After clocking off from work and grabbing a basket to do some quick shopping for dinner, I am stopped no more than ten seconds into my shopping by an elderly customer looking for items. I am off the clock, but I am always willing to answer questions while still in uniform, especially now that our location is undergoing renovation and a lot of customers get frustrated with the item relocation.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but where are the peanuts for squirrels, and the wild birdseed?”

Me: “Well, we moved the birdseed to [Aisle], but I’m afraid we don’t carry peanuts for squirrels. We have corn cobs and…”

Customer: *cuts me off with a disbelieving tone* “Yes, YOU DO. I used to buy it all the time. It was over by the bananas, but now they’re not there anymore!”

Me: *thinking maybe I had missed something* “You said peanuts for squirrels?”

Customer: “Yes, they were raw, unsalted peanuts and they came in a clear package by the bananas. They’re not made for squirrels, but that’s what I feed them.”

(At this point, it dawned on me that she was talking about one of the many kinds of specially packaged nuts we kept in the produce section. I was wondering why she had phrased the request the way she did when a well-meaning coworker who had overheard the exchange (and knew I was off the clock) came by and offered to show her where the peanuts were moved to. That was probably the funniest exchange I’d had all day.)

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(I work at a chain Italian restaurant. I am often asked questions about the menu, but every now and then a customer asks a question that catches me off guard.)

Customer #1: “No, it’s definitely an AT-AT!”

Customer #2: “No, it’s an AT-LT!”

Customer #1: “Ask our waiter. I bet you his tip.”

(By this point, I have been overhearing this conversation, and the nerd inside me is intrigued by Star Wars trivia.)

Me: “Can I help you guys with something?”

Customer #1: “Yeah, my boyfriend here thinks that the robot in star wars that walks on two legs with the little dogs is called the AT-LT. Please tell him it’s an AT-AT?”

Me: “Actually, I’m sorry but both of you are incorrect; the vehicle you’re thinking of is the AT-ST, which is premiered in the Battle for Hoth, the ice planet, but is actually featured in the Battle of Endor. In fact, that’s what Chewbacca uses to blow the blast doors open for Han Solo and Princess Leia. And the dogs are called Ewoks and they’re native to Endor.”

Customer #1: “Oh… thanks.”

(I ended up walking away and since they each bet $20, I actually earned $40. That’s the first time my nerd knowledge actually gained me that much money. May the Force be with you!)

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(I am female, and work in a video game and movie resale store. I’ve been a fan of fantasy and sci-fi my whole life. I’m busy at the computer making a sign for a display, when a customer comes into the store.)

Me: “Hello! Let me know if I can help you find anything, or if you have any questions.”

(The customer just looks at the floor. He goes over to look at movies, when suddenly he holds up a box and a ring on a necklace.)

Customer: “They match.”

(I looked up. He’s holding ‘The One Ring’ on a gold chain, and holding the box art to ‘Lord of the Rings’.)

Customer: “The writing, it matches. I just wanted to make sure it matched.”

(We frequently get cosplayers in the store, and I enjoy talking about whatever fandom people are into. I was about to ask where he got his replica, when he starts turning the ring around in his fingers.)

Customer: “The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here. In the common tongue it reads “One Ring to Rule Them All. One Ring to Find Them. One Ring to Bring Them All and In The Darkness Bind Them”.”

(I raise an eyebrow and keep smiling. He begins to walk towards the counter, caressing the ring and begins Galadriel’s soliloquy from the opening of The Fellowship of the Ring.)

Customer: “The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Great Rings…”

(My co-worker comes out from the back-room mid-soliloquy, and sees the look of somewhat bemused consternation on my face.)

Coworker: “Um [name], have you seen the new plush we just got in?”

Me: “No! I haven’t! They’re adorable!”

Coworker: “I KNOW RIGHT!?”

(The customer looks disappointed, but patiently waits out our exchange. As soon as my coworker goes back to the back stock, HE STARTS OVER FROM THE BEGINNING.)

Customer: “It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings. Seven to the Dwarf lords…”

Coworker: “Um, [name], when you get a chance can you come back here; I have a question about this item.”

Me: “Sure. I’ll be there in just a minute.”

(I glance at the customer, and back at my coworker.)

Customer: “It’s all right. It’s just… The writing, it matches. I just wanted to make sure it matched.”

(At that, he puts the DVD back and quietly leaves the store. I’m still not entirely sure what happened. He hasn’t ever come back, but if he does, hopefully, he knows ‘gi nathlam h”‘—Sindarin (or Elvish) for ‘you are welcome here’.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I’ve been a customer for years! I’ve spent literally thousands of dollars with you! Why would you do this to me?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but what’s happened?”

Customer: “You charged me for two [products] but only sent one. Why are you trying to rip off a loyal customer?!”

Me: “I’m sorry your order wasn’t complete. I’ll get the missing item shipped to you today.”

Customer: “But why did you do this to me?”

Me: “I think it was just a mistake. We wouldn’t do something like that intentionally.”

Customer: “Of course, you did! The packing slip clearly says, ‘F*** you!’ on it!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that! Can you send me a photo so I can forward it to my manager?”

Customer: “Why? Don’t you believe me?!”

Me: “I need to see the handwriting to figure out who wrote it.”

Customer: “Fine. I’ll mail it back.”

Me: “I would prefer it if you email a photo, but mailing it back is fine. In the meantime, I’ll get the missing [product] sent to you.”

Customer: “I still can’t believe you’d do this to me!”

(The customer mails in the slip, and sure enough, written in crayon in a very unsteady hand that I don’t recognize, is “F*** you!” However, it’s followed in the same handwriting and crayon by, “I can’t believe you’d do this to me!”)

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(My manager is talking to a customer about what they need fixed on their car. I often eavesdrop so I can hear from a person’s own words what is wrong. It often helps me to diagnose the problem.)

Customer: “The truck isn’t running right. It doesn’t have power and runs rough.”

Manager: “Well, when do you notice the problem?’

Customer: “When I’m slowing down.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, it doesn’t have power when braking?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Manager: “Do you mean the brakes don’t feel right?”

Customer: “No.”

Manager: “What about when you get back on the gas pedal? Does it go fine?”

Customer: “Oh, yes it has plenty of power then.”

Manager: “So, when you are on the brakes and slowing down, the truck doesn’t have power, but when you get back on the throttle it has plenty of power?”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Manager: *speechless*

(We take the car in and run full diagnostics. I never found anything wrong with the truck. It ran like it was brand new and had very few miles on it.)