Sounds Like He Needs To Review Matthew 6

, , , , | Related | August 3, 2020

My wife and I have been invited to an informal family reunion with some of her relatives from another state, cousins, etc. At lunchtime, we all decide to go to a family-oriented restaurant, knowing that the out-of-state aunt and uncle are very religious, and this restaurant has a very nice reputation. When our food comes, I expect that a blessing will be asked or, as is sometimes done in a public place, each will ask his or her own blessing silently.

Suddenly, the uncle stands up and addresses the entire restaurant.

Uncle: “All right, everybody, stop what you’re doing and be quiet; we’re going to pray.”

There is a mixed reaction among the other guests; some sit quietly, some ignore the uncle, and a few chuckle.

Uncle: “D*** it, shut the h*** up! We’re going to pray now. Everybody hold hands and bow your heads.”

This is followed by about a five-minute prayer stating his beliefs, the destination of all those who don’t believe just like he does, and various ramblings.

Uncle: “…in Jesus’ name, amen. Now let me hear you all say, ‘AMEN!’”

Again, mixed responses.

The server and the manager came over and asked him to please sit down and not make a scene, which did not sit well with him.

My wife and I just wanted to crawl in a hole. It’s not that we are not religious, and not that we don’t ask a private blessing on the food, but I have never seen such a display in my life! We couldn’t wait to eat and get out of there.

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Everyone’s Got Baggage, Not Just Orphans

, , , , | Related | July 31, 2020

I’m at a friend’s house. Her aunt is currently visiting. My friend is a lesbian, and this aunt has been giving my friend a hard time about her homosexuality. While she is not totally homophobic, she just doesn’t understand what it means. I’m a witness to the following exchange.

Aunt: “I still can’t understand why you wouldn’t even try to find a husband. I’m sure if you found the right person—”

Friend: “[Aunt], I’m lesbian; you know that. I’m not attracted to men. Like, at all.”

Aunt: “But you are a woman. It is your God-given duty to marry a man and have children!”

Friend: “At this day and age, that’s just nonsense.”

Aunt: “Don’t you want to start a family and have children?” 

Friend: “At some point, I might.”

Aunt: *Triumphantly* “Well, how can you have children if you don’t have a husband? Don’t tell me you’re thinking about going to a sperm bank. That’s gross and unnatural.”

Friend: “If I decide to have children, I’ll adopt.”

Aunt: “Adopt? Why?”

Friend: “There are enough children out there who don’t have parents. I don’t need to make more. Besides, if I adopt an older child, I don’t need to bother with not being able to sleep at night and having to change diapers all the time.”

Aunt: “But adopted children often have… issues.”

My friend takes a moment to understand what she means and process the statement.

Friend: “[Aunt], I have ADD and PTSD, I was born with diabetes, and I’m allergic to half of the things on the planet! I’d say I have more issues than most orphans, and I’m home-grown.”

Her aunt didn’t say anything after that. But from what I’m told, that wasn’t the first or last time she brought that up.

To clarify, my friend’s PTSD comes from her home burning down when she was little. She never fully got over it and is still very afraid of fire.

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Better Autistic Than Dead From Polio!

, , , , , , , | Related | July 23, 2020

My aunt refused to vaccinate her six kids because of fear of autism. She never changes her beliefs, no matter what evidence appears against it.

Although she didn’t vaccinate any of her kids, kid number five has autism anyway.

Shockingly, she not only continued claiming that vaccines cause autism, but she also began insisting that she actually did vaccinate her fifth child. My mom — her sister — tried to explain that it didn’t make sense that she vaccinated the fifth child but not the first four or the sixth one, and that until the fifth child was diagnosed with autism, she always said that she would never vaccinate any of her kids.

Unfortunately, nothing she said worked.

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Uncle Irritating Meets Aunt Flo

, , , , , , , | Related | July 15, 2020

My late uncle could be the soul of kindness where his nieces and nephews were concerned… but he could also be the most irritating man on the planet.

He was a security guard at the university I attended and was often stationed in the library at the front door, checking book bags, usually with a male student who was part of the on-campus student patrol.

Whenever I came through the line, Uncle Irritating would announce, “Oh, this one looks like trouble; better go through everything.”

And he and the student would gleefully remove all my stuff from my pocketbook and my bookbag. One day, after he had made me late for a class, I decided that was it.

The next time I heard him say he would be at the library, I fixed up a bag and headed to the library after a class. When I made to leave, my uncle announced that I was a dangerous thief and he and the male student started opening up my bookbag and pocketbook.

Maybe it wasn’t the best revenge, but they had to remove lots and lots and lots of individual sanitary napkins and tampons in order to get to anything important. The student guard was turning bright red and my uncle was truly peeved. They stuffed everything back in and returned it to me.

“Are we done?” I asked.

My uncle smiled sweetly. We never mentioned it to the family. Ever after, I was able to go through the book check line without being treated as a subject in a Candid Camera episode.

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Not Quite What Gresley Had In Mind

, , , , , , , | Related | May 28, 2020

My uncle messages me asking how we’re coping with lockdown.

Me: “We’re okay but [My Son] keeps asking me to take him to see the dinosaurs on the train.”

Uncle: “I presume that’s some sort of funfair ride he likes?”

Me: “No, the Natural History Museum. We go there on the train.”

Uncle: “Oh, I see. You mean that he wants you to take him, on the train, to see the dinosaurs. Sorry, I had a vision of the Flying Scotsman piloted by a stegosaur.”

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