Uncle Irritating Meets Aunt Flo

, , , , , , , | Related | July 15, 2020

My late uncle could be the soul of kindness where his nieces and nephews were concerned… but he could also be the most irritating man on the planet.

He was a security guard at the university I attended and was often stationed in the library at the front door, checking book bags, usually with a male student who was part of the on-campus student patrol.

Whenever I came through the line, Uncle Irritating would announce, “Oh, this one looks like trouble; better go through everything.”

And he and the student would gleefully remove all my stuff from my pocketbook and my bookbag. One day, after he had made me late for a class, I decided that was it.

The next time I heard him say he would be at the library, I fixed up a bag and headed to the library after a class. When I made to leave, my uncle announced that I was a dangerous thief and he and the male student started opening up my bookbag and pocketbook.

Maybe it wasn’t the best revenge, but they had to remove lots and lots and lots of individual sanitary napkins and tampons in order to get to anything important. The student guard was turning bright red and my uncle was truly peeved. They stuffed everything back in and returned it to me.

“Are we done?” I asked.

My uncle smiled sweetly. We never mentioned it to the family. Ever after, I was able to go through the book check line without being treated as a subject in a Candid Camera episode.

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Not Quite What Gresley Had In Mind

, , , , , , , | Related | May 28, 2020

My uncle messages me asking how we’re coping with lockdown.

Me: “We’re okay but [My Son] keeps asking me to take him to see the dinosaurs on the train.”

Uncle: “I presume that’s some sort of funfair ride he likes?”

Me: “No, the Natural History Museum. We go there on the train.”

Uncle: “Oh, I see. You mean that he wants you to take him, on the train, to see the dinosaurs. Sorry, I had a vision of the Flying Scotsman piloted by a stegosaur.”

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Putting Words In The Pastor’s Mouth

, , , , , , , | Related | May 25, 2020

My cousin told this story at my uncle’s funeral. I thought it was hilarious.

My cousin, his wife, and his parents all go to church together. My cousin’s wife is heavily pregnant at the time. A new associate pastor is joining the church that day, and after the service, he stands at the back so everyone can greet him and introduce themselves. His wife stands next to him, and she is also heavily pregnant.

When my cousin and his wife reach the new pastor, he says, “I see your wife has the same ailment that mine has!” Everyone gives a polite chuckle, except my uncle, who glares at the new pastor and doesn’t say a word as he shakes his hand next.

My uncle still looks annoyed when they get in the car. My cousin asks him what is up.

Uncle: “That wasn’t right. A pastor shouldn’t say things like that.”

Cousin: “What do you mean?”

Uncle: “That was just rude. To say that his wife and [Cousin’s Wife] have the same mailman!”

And my cousin said that was the earliest indication that my uncle’s hearing had started to go.

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Everything Is Edible, My Dear Children

, , , | Related | May 3, 2020

My sister works in Sabah. Most of her colleagues are local indigenous people from ethnic groups who were traditionally hunter-gatherers and subsistence farmers.

Colleague: “Some of my uncles from the village are coming to visit. I think I’ll take them to the zoo.”

The following Monday:

Sister: “How was your uncles’ visit?”

Colleague: “Well, when we saw the animals, they were like, ‘Ah, yes, I’ve killed that one before,’ and, ‘This one is delicious, and that one is delicious.’ I am never taking those guys to the zoo again!”

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You Know What They Say About Birds Of A Feather

, , , , , , | Related | April 22, 2020

My grandmother passed away, we had her funeral, and we went to entomb her with my grandfather. I hate social gatherings in general, so I tend to avoid talking to people unless they’re in my immediate family. However, this one nice elderly lady comes up and talks to me, telling me how much I look like my grandma when she was young. We have a lovely chat and when we leave, my mom says:

Mom: “It was so nice of you to talk to Crazy Aunt [Aunt].”

Me: “Huh? Why is she called that?”

I figured she must have had a wild youth or something.

Mom: “Because she’s crazy. Literally. She lives in an insane asylum and got a day pass for the funeral.”

It just figures that the one person I would get along with is certifiably insane.

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