Putting Words In The Pastor’s Mouth

, , , , , , , | Related | May 25, 2020

My cousin told this story at my uncle’s funeral. I thought it was hilarious.

My cousin, his wife, and his parents all go to church together. My cousin’s wife is heavily pregnant at the time. A new associate pastor is joining the church that day, and after the service, he stands at the back so everyone can greet him and introduce themselves. His wife stands next to him, and she is also heavily pregnant.

When my cousin and his wife reach the new pastor, he says, “I see your wife has the same ailment that mine has!” Everyone gives a polite chuckle, except my uncle, who glares at the new pastor and doesn’t say a word as he shakes his hand next.

My uncle still looks annoyed when they get in the car. My cousin asks him what is up.

Uncle: “That wasn’t right. A pastor shouldn’t say things like that.”

Cousin: “What do you mean?”

Uncle: “That was just rude. To say that his wife and [Cousin’s Wife] have the same mailman!”

And my cousin said that was the earliest indication that my uncle’s hearing had started to go.

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Everything Is Edible, My Dear Children

, , , | Related | May 3, 2020

My sister works in Sabah. Most of her colleagues are local indigenous people from ethnic groups who were traditionally hunter-gatherers and subsistence farmers.

Colleague: “Some of my uncles from the village are coming to visit. I think I’ll take them to the zoo.”

The following Monday:

Sister: “How was your uncles’ visit?”

Colleague: “Well, when we saw the animals, they were like, ‘Ah, yes, I’ve killed that one before,’ and, ‘This one is delicious, and that one is delicious.’ I am never taking those guys to the zoo again!”

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You Know What They Say About Birds Of A Feather

, , , , , , | Related | April 22, 2020

My grandmother passed away, we had her funeral, and we went to entomb her with my grandfather. I hate social gatherings in general, so I tend to avoid talking to people unless they’re in my immediate family. However, this one nice elderly lady comes up and talks to me, telling me how much I look like my grandma when she was young. We have a lovely chat and when we leave, my mom says:

Mom: “It was so nice of you to talk to Crazy Aunt [Aunt].”

Me: “Huh? Why is she called that?”

I figured she must have had a wild youth or something.

Mom: “Because she’s crazy. Literally. She lives in an insane asylum and got a day pass for the funeral.”

It just figures that the one person I would get along with is certifiably insane.

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Is “Senior Center” Code For “Cult”?

, , , , | Related | April 21, 2020

My elderly aunt is obsessed with her senior center, so much so that she feels the need to literally bully any senior who isn’t a member of a senior center to join one. She also happens to practically worship the ground that the director of her senior center walks on.

The following exchange happens when I bring my new fiancé to meet my family.

Aunt: *To me* “What senior center do [Fiancé]’s parents belong to?”

Me: “They aren’t a member of a senior center. They both have severe social anxiety and don’t like groups. They have enough trouble hosting [Fiancé] and me for dinner.”

Aunt: “What?! They aren’t a member of a senior center?! How do they live without a senior center? How do they get a nutritious meal every day?”

Me: “Uhh, they cook for themselves.”

Aunt: “But our director says that seniors shouldn’t have to worry about planning meals because they can eat breakfast and lunch at the senior center. How do they even go out to buy their groceries? The senior center bus takes us shopping every week.”

Me: “They go shopping by themselves.”

Aunt: “But our director says that it’s dangerous for seniors to go shopping by themselves! Don’t they want to go to [Restaurant]? Our director says that the only way that seniors can go to [Restaurant] is if they go on the senior center bus.”

Me: “That’s not true. Anyone can drive to [Restaurant] any time that they want to regardless of age.”

Aunt: “But our director says that seniors can’t do things for themselves and they need someone to help them. She says that all seniors should be legally required to join a senior center when they turn sixty-five. She says that we have the best senior center in the whole state!”

Me: “Did you not hear that [Fiancé]’s parents don’t like to socialize with other people? They have enough of a problem hosting [Fiancé] and me for dinner. They are definitely not going to socialize with people that they don’t know!”

Aunt: “I will talk to them at your wedding and make them join the senior center!”

My aunt followed through on this and ended up making my now father-in-law so angry that he had a meltdown at our wedding and stormed out of the reception. My aunt is STILL hung up on the fact that every senior should join a senior center despite my father-in-law’s reaction.

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Furbabies Are Babies, Too!

, , , , , , , | Related | April 17, 2020

I am Facetiming my sister and my niece who is about four months old. I have yet to meet her as my sister lives eight hours away, I’m in school full time and work, and this takes place during the quarantine.

I’m notorious for not being good with kids and not being super affectionate towards them. My sister has her daughter up to the screen so my mom and I can see her when I finally start talking.

Me: “Hi, baby girl, how are you? Aren’t you so pretty?! I love you so much!”

Sister’s Husband: *Overhearing me* “Holy s***, did a switch flip in her brain and now she suddenly likes the baby?”

Sister: “No, I think the dog just came inside.”

She was correct.

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