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Cobbled Together Some Clothes

, , , , , , , | Related | August 15, 2019

(I like to get all my errands done as early as I can on a weekend so the rest of my time off is mine. I go to a cobbler to get a zipper replaced on a boot whose teeth keep separating.)

Cobbler: “Hmm. This repair is expensive.”

Me: “What? What’s expensive? How much are you thinking?”

Cobbler: “It’d be, like $35.”

(The boots are over $600 new; their worth should be pretty obvious to someone in his field. I imagine the manufacturer would repair it for me — being a defective zipper — but I don’t want to waste my time figuring it out if I don’t have to.)

Me: “That’s… not expensive.”

(I pay and then head out, calling my aunt to complain that the race-to-the-bottom pricing we face every day now makes $35 seem too expensive to fix a boot.)

Aunt: “What are you wearing?”

Me: “Umm, a rock shirt and jeans.”

Aunt: “Ironic rock shirt or real rock shirt?”

Me: “Real rock shirt.”

Aunt: “Do your jeans fit?”

Me: *confused pause* “No.”

Aunt: “How’s your hair?”

Me: “Greasy and messy… Aww, man, he thought I was homeless.”

(Now I know why I get all my best deals when I shop Saturday morning.)

It’s A Dog’s Life, Indeed!

, , , , , , | Related | August 1, 2019

My aunt is one of those people who treats her dogs like her biological children, but she takes it to the next level. Here are a few of the things that she does for them:

She feeds them only eggs for every meal.

She has rugs laid out so they don’t have to walk on the hardwood floors.

Every holiday, she gives them each a full human meal.

She has them open their own presents every Christmas and still gives gifts in their names — we’re all above the age of 25, by the way!

Dye-ing With Laughter

, , , , | Related | July 27, 2019

(My sister and I drive to Florida to take my five-year-old grandson to visit his great aunt and 85-year-old great-grandparents — my ex-in-laws. While there, his great aunt is very happy about getting to color Easter eggs with him. Her parents are relaxing in the backyard while she gets everything set up. When she’s done, she tells my grandson:)

Great Aunt: “Okay, go ask Gramma and Grandpa if they’re ready to dye.” 

Me: “NO! NO! WAIT! DO NOT SAY THAT! GO ASK THEM IF THEY’RE READY TO COLOR EGGS!”

Ex-Sister-In-Law: *as we’re all laughing hysterically* “OH, MY GOD! NO! I WASN’T THINKING! AUGH! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE!”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

Possessed Of An Overactive Imagination

, , , , , , | Related | July 7, 2019

When I was eight, I developed epilepsy. It was on both sides of the family, and my mum had it as a child. So, as the oldest, I am the one unlucky enough to have it, as well. 

I didn’t find out by dropping and having a seizure or staring off into space like usual. My aunt was cutting my hair when it happened. I don’t remember it very well, but she does. Clearly. She had no idea I was epileptic, so her first reaction was to scream and yell about possession. 

I had apparently stood up without warning, walked in a straight line, and started talking in what she thought was Latin. For months, she tried to say it was demonic possession, regardless of the countless doctors and MRIs and CAT scans showing I had epilepsy. She was always overreacting about everything, so no one believed her. 

She is still claiming my case of chickenpox at nine was the fifth disease.

And that she isn’t insane.


This story is part of our Epilepsy roundup.

Read the next Epilepsy roundup story!

Read the Epilepsy roundup!

Auntie Is Twenty Minutes Behind Everyone Else

, , , , , | Related | May 24, 2019

(My husband has recently medically retired from the military after an 18-year career as a military logistician. He severely injured his back during his last combat tour and, due to that and other injuries and his PTSD, he is rated as 100% disabled by the VA. He has decided that he wants to work after retiring but he has to clear the job he takes with the VA due to his rating. He ends up finding a very good job as an operations manager for a janitorial company in a city 20 minutes from the small town that we have just moved to. I am talking to my elderly aunt on the phone and telling her about his new job. She is literally obsessed with a major national retail chain, and she always tacks on an extra S to the end of it.)

Me: “[Aunt], [Husband] just got a really good job as an operations manager with the company that provides cleaning services to all of the hospitals in [Nearby City].”

Aunt: “Don’t they have a [Chain]s in the town that you live in? My neighbor retired from the military and he got a job unloading trucks at the [Chain]s in [Town she lives in]. It’s a fine job! Why didn’t [Husband] get a job at the [Chain]s near you?”

Me: “Yes, they have a [Chain] Super Center, but unloading trucks only pays $11 an hour. Anyway, [Husband] can’t lift anything heavier than 20 pounds due to his back injury. Plus, this new job pays around $25 an hour.”

Aunt: “But [Chain]s has that great program where they hire veterans! [Husband] should have gotten a job there!”

Me: “Yes, but those jobs don’t pay very much. [Husband] spent the last eight years of his military career managing groups of more than 40 troops. Being a regular retail employee is actually a real insult after having a career like that. He manages 30 people at his new job. Plus, the VA told him that he cannot get a job where he has to do any heavy lifting.”

Aunt: “But [Chain]s is such a fine company! I go there all the time! Don’t you want him to have a job where you shop?”

Me: “[Aunt], we don’t even shop at [Chain] very much. We like [Other Companies]. Anyway, why would [Husband] take a job that he isn’t medically cleared to do for a few dollars above minimum wage after a career as a highly-decorated military sergeant?”

Aunt: “But I love [Chain]s! My neighbor really enjoys his job. I think that it’s stupid to drive an extra 20 minutes just to be called a manager at a job!”

Me: “Didn’t you hear that his job pays $14 an hour more than he would make at [Chain]? Plus, the company specifically wanted someone with prior management experience in the military for his position.”

Aunt: “Well, yes, but I still think that it is stupid to drive an extra twenty minutes for a job!”

(I dropped it after that. My husband has been at his job for five months now and both upper-level management and his employees absolutely love him. I don’t know why she thought that working at that chain for a few dollars above minimum wage was somehow better than making $25 an hour at his job!)