Donuts Aren’t A Reason, They’re THE Reason

, , , , , , | Related | June 9, 2018

(Growing up, my dad religiously attended an antique show that set up one weekend a month, every month. As a teenager, though I wasn’t the antique-er he was, I had become obsessed with the mini donuts that were sold in one of the booths. They were made on an old machine that punched the dough, dropped the rings into a river of oil, and floated them down two at a time, to be gracefully flipped over by a comb so that the other side could cook. After the flip, another comb would scoop them up and flip them off the machine into the tray below. It was hypnotizing to watch, and after being sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar, they were absolutely delicious. Unfortunately, when I moved out of my parents’ house, I was unable to go with my dad anymore. However, my mother started getting into the habit of going with him. One weekend, I’m visiting, and I’m telling her about a local festival that I recently attended.)

Me: “We were walking around the concession area, and they had a [Same Brand as the antique show’s] donut maker! I was so excited! We managed to get some right before they closed for the day. [My Boyfriend] finally got to see what I’ve been telling him about!”

Mom: “Cool! Dad and I went to [Antique Show] last weekend, and I got some.” *makes a face* “He ate most of them, though; I had to get more. Hey, when was the last time you went to [Antique Show]?”

Me: “It’s probably been about two or three years.” *quietly, kind of embarrassed* “You know, those donuts were probably about 50% of the reason I went with Dad. Not that I don’t like spending time with him, but…” *shrug*

Mom: *scoffs* “They’re pretty much the only reason I go with him. Antiques are boring. I’m not afraid to say it.”

Refuses To Give Up The Bounty

, , , , , , , | | Related | May 18, 2018

(My mother is helping me sort my son’s clothing to donate anything he has outgrown. I have really small feet, so I have to shop in the kid’s section for footwear.)

Mom: *holds up a small pair of Boba Fett socks* “I think [Son] has outgrown these; shouldn’t we donate them?”

Me: “Those socks are too small for him, but they are mine, so it doesn’t matter that he can’t wear them.”

Mom: “You are a grown woman, and you have Star Wars socks?”

Me: “Does being an adult mean I shouldn’t have Boba Fett socks?”

Mom: “Yeah.”

Me: “I feel a sudden need to do away with such silliness.”

Mom: “The socks?”

Me: *grabs socks* “No, adulthood.”

This Disrespect Is Inconceivable

, , , , | Right | May 10, 2018

(I work at a parking garage. It’s early in the day, and we are currently charging event rates for the day’s event. We are also hosting parking for a different event the next day, with the expectation of a full garage. A man drives in and asks for parking.)

Me: “Hi, how are you? It’s $20 to park here for the day.”

Customer: “Hi, I’m staying at the [Hotel] for the night.”

Me: “Unfortunately, if you park here overnight, you will have to pay for both today and tomorrow unless you leave by five am tomorrow. May I ask what time you are leaving?”

Customer: “I’m leaving at six pm.”

Me: “Then it would be $20 for today and $20 for tomorrow, so you would have to pay $40 total. I would advise you park at the [Hotel], because it would only be $30 and you get free ins and outs, alongside better overnight security.”

Customer: “I’m only going to pay for today.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I must ask you to leave unless you pay the full amount.”

Customer: “I said I’m only going to pay for today. You are being disrespectful!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, then you must leave.”

Customer: “I’m only going to pay for today! I’ve parked here overnight before and didn’t have to pay for two days!”

Me: “Then the cashier didn’t follow corporate policy. If you wish, I can call my manager up.”

Customer: “You do that.”

Me: *on phone with my manager* “This customer doesn’t want to pay for both nights.”

Manager: “Then tell him to get out.”

Me: “He refuses to leave until he talks to you. I’ll put him on the line.”

(I attempt to put the customer on the line.)

Customer: “I don’t want to talk to him on the phone; bring him over here!”

(My manager hears and proceeds to drive over to my garage. I have the customer park off to the side so I can charge the customers behind him.)

Customer: “You didn’t charge him for two days!”

Me: “He’s not staying overnight. You staying overnight, and not paying for two days is unfair to the large amount of customers who we expect tomorrow, and especially those who pre-ordered parking. A lot of customers from the [Hotel] come here, and they are all told the same thing.”

Customer: “No, you’re being disrespectful!”

(My manager arrives and begins to talk to the customer while I begin charging a horde of newly-arrived cars. He yells at my manager for a good ten minutes until he finally speeds out of the garage.)

Me: “What happened with the customer?”

Manager: “He was yelling about how he should only have to pay for one day, so I told him he should get out. He then started complaining about being disrespected by both you and me, and he sped out and left.”

(That word… I don’t think it means what he thinks it means.)

Lime Stops For No Man

, , , , , | Related | May 1, 2018

Me: “While I have you on the phone, I need your expertise.”

Sister: “Add lime.”

Me: “What?”

Sister: “From dead bodies to margaritas, everything’s better with lime.”

Me: “Well, I was going to ask for color scheme suggestions for [party I’m helping coordinate], and Bright Lime Green is one of the choices…”

Sister: “Like I said, lime.”

Me: “What goes with bright lime green?”

Sister: “Dark purple.”

Me: “I think I can pitch that to the rest of the committee. Lime it is.”

Whiskey And Die

, , , , | Romantic | April 29, 2018

(I’m talking with my girlfriend online. She tells me she is taking her sister in for some medical tests and asks me what I’m doing.)

Me: “I’m watching Criminal Minds and drinking whiskey.”

Girlfriend: “That sounds good, except for the Criminal Minds and the whiskey.”

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