How To Showcase A Total D**k

, , , , , , | Healthy | June 12, 2019

(I am a nurse. I am invited by one of my former boyfriends to go to a movie with him and his current girlfriend. Since I have no current boyfriend, he says that I can bring a friend with me. I ask a former classmate from nursing school along. The classmate is black. After we are picked up, the former boyfriend starts making bigoted jokes. After each one, he will look at my classmate in the mirror and say, “Oh, no offense.” After about three of these, the classmate turns to me.)

Classmate: “[My Name], we had an interesting case last week.”

Me: *who knows a straight line when I hear one* “Oh, really? What happened?”

Classmate: “Well, we had a new patient on the hall, and as the charge nurse, I was the one checking him in. The whole time, though, he kept making remarks.”

Me: “What kind of remarks?”

Classmate: “Oh, you know. Sexual remarks.”

Me: “So, what happened after that?”

Classmate: “Well, you know at my hospital, nurses are required to insert Foley catheters. So, I was getting him ready for it, and he started making his remarks again. I proceeded with the intubation, though. But I’m afraid I made a mistake.”

Me: “What kind of mistake?”

Classmate: “I forgot to use any jelly.”

(There was an audible hiss from the driver, and the classmate looked up at him in the mirror.)

Classmate: “Oh, no offense!”

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Unfiltered Story #154491

, , , | Unfiltered | June 10, 2019

One time, before I knew her, a girlfriend, who was living in a house with 4 or 5 others, came home to find some screws on the porch in front of the door. She also had a dog that liked to play a game with mailman. He would bark, race up the hallway, then sit down and slide up to the door.

The best they could figure was that a burglar was very quietly trying to enter, but was scared off when he was made the subject of the mailman game by her Rottweiler.

The Conj-ER-ing

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 28, 2019

(I’m a PhD student at university connected to a teaching hospital. As part of my research, I interact with the surgical staff. One day, a couple of scrub nurses are telling me hospital stories.)

Nurse #1: “I’ll be honest, though; the scariest moment for me wasn’t about surgery at all. It was when I thought – like seriously, really believed – that we were haunted.”

Nurse #2: “What? I’ve never heard this story!”

Nurse #3: “Oh, I know this one. We had a patient – young girl, twenties, [medical condition], real long, black hair. She had to come back here for surgery and was always real sweet but complained that her hair smelled like hospital after each procedure. Then, finally, it seemed like she’d actually recovered.”

Nurse #1: “She needed a couple of followups afterward, but everything was going smoothly. Plus, each time, she brought some homemade desserts for the staff. But us, we never really got to see her after she wasn’t in for surgery anymore. Just, ‘Oh, [Patient] was here; she brought this lovely note and a tray of brownies.’ So, my memories of her are, you know, blue hospital gown, long, black hair, not looking healthy.”

Nurse #2: “But I actually ran into her a few times. Just luck, really, happened to see her in the hallways on two of her followups. Then one day– Wait, no. Remember the old phone we had in the nurses’ station? How awful it was?”

Nurse #1: “I’m out getting lunch, and my cell goes off. It’s [Nurse #2] calling, and she says, ‘Hey, remember patient? She’s here, and she died,’ and then hangs up. And I’m thinking, what on earth? She’s here for a routine followup and she died? Must be a mess out there for [Nurse#2] to be so abrupt on the phone. So, I drop my lunch and rush back to see what’s up. And I turn down the hallway in [area] – big, long hallway, with those awful, buzzy lights, and like usual it’s empty. Then, the door at the other end opens and a figure walks in. It looks like [Patient], but her hair’s gone blank white and she’s wearing head-to-toe black with a big silver skull pattern on her skirt. She opens her mouth and says, ‘I’ve been looking for you!’ and I, being a professional, scream, ‘What the f***?’ and run out of the hall.”

Nurse #2: “So, that’s the story about how I called [Nurse #1], told her a patient dyed her hair, and had an incident so bad that they replaced all our phones.”

Nurse #3: “Is this why some patient files say if the patient’s a goth or not?”

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Babies: The Madness!

, , , , , | Learning | May 27, 2019

(I’m a PhD student visiting a local high school with my professor. It’s Science Day, and it is not going well. A demonstration on the dangers of electricity shorted out, setting off the fire alarm and blowing the fuses. Several students’ science projects were knocked over or destroyed in the evacuation, and someone has been bitten by a goat. Everything’s out of control, but after the regular lights come back on, the principal has gotten on a mic and is trying to calm everyone down.)

Principal: “Okay, everyone, please settle down. We may be off track, but there’s still plenty of science day to get to! I think we’re going to skip ahead now. We have a nice treat for everyone: eight parents of [High School] students in scientific and medical fields are going to tell you all about what they do and their exciting and important careers in science!”

(She pulls out a stack of index cards, and I recognize them: we learned early on that the science teachers had been organizing everything, and the principal didn’t really know what the plan was, so she asked each presenter to jot down a few notes about their backgrounds and what they’d be talking about.)

Principal: “We’re going to hear from… Let’s see… Dr. [Doctor #1] at [Local University]! She’s an entomologist, which means she studies insects. Her work focuses on… uh…”

(The principal is holding the cards at arm’s length, and it becomes apparent that she’s used to using reading glasses but doesn’t have them with her.)

Principal: “On… the ecosystem… of…” *squinting* “…of… migratory beetles?”

(There’s applause and then silence. At the back of the room, I see an AV tech bring up the slides.)

Principal: “Is Dr. [Doctor #1] here?”

Parent: “Oh! No. She fell in the lake when the fire alarm went off. She and [School Nurse] went off to find her some dry clothes.”

Principal: “That’s fine. That’s fine! Let’s find someone nice and pleasant. How about [My Professor]. He’s going to be talking… about… ”

(Her eyes go wide, and she puts the index card in the back of the stack. I guess “Infection Control in Spinal Surgery” doesn’t count as nice and pleasant.)

Principal: “Oookay. Here we go. Dr. [Doctor #2]! Here we go. He’s a doctor and a scientist, and he spends his time working with babies!”

(She puts the cards back in her pocket. The AV tech in the back is violently shaking his head, giving a thumbs down, and crossing his arms in an X, but she doesn’t see him.)

Principal: “Caring for vulnerable people like babies is what makes science so important, you know? Dr. [Doctor #2], can you join us on stage? And can we please get the slides up?”

(Next to me, someone who seems about the right age to be another PhD student speaks up.)

PhD Student: “Oh, s***. Oh no.”

(A worried-looking man walks onto the stage. He tries to push the mic away for a moment – probably to whisper in the principal’s ear – but she interprets it differently and hands him the mic. He stands there for a second in silence, looking at it awkwardly. The principal leans into the mic one more time.)

Principal: “Can we get those slides, please?”

(The AV tech gives a shrug and hits a button while starting to laugh. An image of a snarling dog appears on the screen alongside the words, “RABIES: THE VIRUS OF MADNESS.” The students EXPLODE into applause and cheers, and the principal looks delighted until she sits down and notices the slides. She drops her head into her hands.)

Presenter: “The first thing you need to know about science is the importance of clearly communicating your findings, and the first thing you need to know about medicine is that every cliché about doctors’ handwriting is absolutely true.”

(The rest of the event goes off without a hitch, to the students’ delight and the principal’s mixed feelings. After the presentations, I meet the other PhD student and we’re talking about the mixup.)

PhD Student: “I’m disappointed that [Principal] stopped reading off the card when she did. As soon as I worked out she’d misread ‘rabies’ as ‘babies,’ I was really hoping to hear her read our goals of eradicating the scourge of babies from the globe.”

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Unfiltered Story #151685

, , , | Unfiltered | May 21, 2019

(A female customer walks in rapidly texting on her phone)

Me: “Hey welcome to [Sandwich Shop] what could I do for you?”

Customer: *Doesn’t respond and continues texting*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Oh my god what do you want!”

Me: “I would like to know if I may help you, you walked into the store and you haven’t placed an order yet”

Customer: “Well sorry, I have a life and friends to text.”

(Another customer walks in and gets in line)

Customer: *Runs back into line* “Hey you can’t cut in line”

Me: “Ma’am you weren’t in line.”

Customer 2: *Sighs and exits the store to try to avoid the drama I guess”

Customer: “Finally!” *Goes back to where she was to sit down*

Employee: “Ma’am, leave.”

Customer: *Confused* “Why?”

Me: “Ma’am you caused a customer to leave and are not even buying anything or placing an order”

Customer: “I?, how did I make him leave?!”

Customer: *Throws phone to ground in anger and then let’s out a loud shreik as she sees her broken phone on the floor* “Oh.My.God I’m calling the f*cking cops for f*cking breaking my f*cking phone you f*cker!”

Employee: “Oh good we already called them for you!”

(The customer then got on the ground and starting throwing the biggest tantrum I think I’ve ever seen and she had to be dragged out by the police)