A New Babe From The Mouth Of A Babe

, , , , | Learning | August 22, 2017

(I am an assistant in a kindergarten class. A student randomly puts her hand on my stomach.)

Student: “Is there a baby in there?”

Me: “No.”

Student: “Why not?”

Me: “I didn’t call the stork to deliver it yet.”

(However, I inadvertently lied to her. Four weeks later, I was told by my doctor that I was six weeks pregnant. I later laughed about how the student had called my pregnancy at two weeks to my lead teacher who said that she hoped the student didn’t do that to her or she’d head straight for the doctor.)

This Is Complete Bull

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2017

Customer: “Hey, I’m looking for a cow costume.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I actually have several cows. I’ll bring one right out.”

Customer: “You have several? Good, I actually want two: a male and a female.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ll be right back with both.”

(A short time later.)

Me: “Here is the cow, and this is one of our bulls. I actually have him in three colors: black, white, or brown. Do you have a preference?”

Customer: “A bull? That’s your male cow?”

Me: “Uh, yes. A bull is a male cow.”

Customer: *skeptically* “I don’t know about that.” *leaves without getting anything*

Use The Will Money To Buy A Volkswagen

, , , , | Related | August 7, 2017

(I am looking into buying my first car which, for some reason, has become the talk of my family. I am leaning towards the German cars because I like their design which is upsetting my great-grandfather. I get a phone call from him one morning before I leave for school.)

Great-Grandfather: “If you get a German car, I will write you out of my will.”

(And this is why I currently own a Ford.)

Periodically Interrupted Again

, , , , | Romantic | July 1, 2017

(I am the author of this story – in which my female friends and family members and I will suddenly start talking about periods when a man is around, to make them leave when we want privacy. I am on the phone with a close relative in another state about time-sensitive travel plans and my husband keeps interrupting with things unrelated; worse, when I ask him to give me a few minutes on the phone, he starts pantomiming stuff he wants to say.)

Me: *into the phone* “So, [Husband] and I are thinking about trying to have a baby; I haven’t had a period in years, since having the IUD put in, but if I have it removed, that will start up…”

Husband: *gives me a funny look, walks out*

Me: *into the phone* “So sorry about that, hon.”

(We finish our conversation, hang up, and I go to find husband.)

Husband: “It’s a code, isn’t it? I didn’t catch it when it was you and Sis, but you start talking about REALLY private stuff when you are trying to get rid of me!”

Me: *burst out laughing* “What gave me away?”

Husband: *also laughing* “You were talking about your period, but I couldn’t hear [Relative]; your medical stuff is never an issue for me to talk about, but it just clicked that I hear about periods in your conversations with other people WAY more than in conversations we have.”

Me: “So, unless it’s something urgent, will you stop interrupting when I’m on the phone or having a talking to someone?”

Husband: “But, what if I might forget what I was going to say?”

Me: “Write it down?”

Husband: “That… makes a lot of sense, actually. And it means that I’ll never, ever have to hear about your sister’s period. Or your mother’s. Or any other relative or friend’s. Unless they are having some sort of medical problem or something.”

Me: “Exactly!”

Husband: “Deal!”

Unfiltered Story #89872

, , , | Unfiltered | June 17, 2017

(I’m wandering through a convention dressed as a Mooby’s employee from the Kevin Smith movies. I’m also black.)

Stranger: Nice costume.

Me: Oh, thanks.

Stranger: You should have had “P**** M***** For Life” on the back.

(Note: he’s referring to Clerks II when one of the characters, Randall, wore that on the back of his uniform after discovering it was a racial slur in an (failed) attempt to take it back.)

Me: What?

Stranger: You should have had “P**** M***** For Life” on the back of your uniform like in Clerks II.

Me: I know what you’re talking about, but why would I do that? I’m not dressing as Randall.

Stranger: Just thought you’d be trying to take it back.


(This wasn’t the only time it happened to me during that convention. I’ve since stopped wearing the uniform.)

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