We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Dog Bowl

, , , , , | Right | February 14, 2019

(This story was relayed to me by my dad, the customer in question. We have a pair of pet goldfish, and I asked him to bring some more food for them on his way home, as we were running out.)

Dad: *approaches pet shop employee* “Excuse me. Do you have any food for dogfish?”

(Dogfish are a kind of shark.)

Employee: “For… what?”

(I think he was thinking of my stepmother’s dog.)

I’ll Keep This Brief; I Will Not Buy Your Case

, , , | Right | December 15, 2018

(I am the owner of a bags, purses, etc. shop in the city centre. It’s on a street that has many similar shops; some of them have run out of business, though. I generally don’t get many weird demands, but then this guy comes over that wants to return an item that was not bought from my shop.)

Customer: “Hi. I’d like to return this briefcase.”

Me: *extra polite* “Yeah, um, unfortunately, I cannot accept it because you did not buy that from my shop.”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “I cannot take items that are not bought from the shop; it doesn’t work that way. But if you have a receipt, I can check where the item was bought and point you to the correct shop.”

Customer: “Here’s the receipt.”

Me: “Wow. This was bought over a year from the shop next door. Unfortunately, it has closed.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do with the briefcase?”

Me: “No idea. Give it to someone as a gift? I don’t know.”

Customer: “How much would you pay for it?”

Me: “Zero. I cannot buy; I sell.”

Customer: “But you buy from wholesalers.”

Me: “I will not buy your briefcase; please, stop asking that.”

Customer: “Okay, I will leave it on the floor and see what you’ll do about it.”

Me: “If you do that, I will kick it out of my shop and a passerby will take it, I guess.”

Customer: “You stupid people don’t know how to run a business.”

Not Provider-ing The Right Information

, , , | Right | November 19, 2018

(I work tech support in a software company. Our clients are other companies whose employees use our software. If there is a technical issue, the clients’ employees call us directly. In order to help, we naturally need to know which client company they’re calling from.)

Me: “Hello, [Company] tech support. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’m having a problem with your software.” *describes problem*

Me: “I see. This issue requires some investigation; please let me look into it and I’ll call you back later. Could you tell your name, and where you are calling from?”

Caller: “I’m [Caller]. I’m calling from my office.”

Me: “No, I mean which company?”

Caller: “Oh. It’s [Major Telecommunications Company].”

(That company is indeed one of our clients, and I’ve been told to give them first priority if they have any issues. After I hang up, I begin to look into the issue, but I can’t find a record of anyone with that name working there. Since their usage history is required to see what caused the problem, that means I can’t do anything about it. Fearing it is taking too long, I let my boss know, but he can’t find the user, either. After a while, he comes to talk to me, looking a mix of amused and annoyed.)

Boss: “So, this [Caller] you spoke to? In fact, she works for [Other Much Smaller Company].”

Me: “So, why did she say they worked for [Major Telecommunications Company]?”

Boss: “She called from her mobile phone, and thought you were asking which provider she uses.”

Different Places, Different Paces

, , , , | Right | November 16, 2018

(A customer calls from London because he needs some help checking in for his flight back to Athens.)

Customer: “Hello. I’m trying to check in online but the site is not working right.”

Me: “I’m afraid the online check-in service will be available four hours from now.”

Customer: “Is it four hours in Greek time or English time?”

Me: “You know, time doesn’t work like that.”

STOP! And Get Out

, , , , , | Learning | October 15, 2018

(I’ve just finished a driving lesson. The instructor has me drive the car to where we’ll pick up another student, and then he’ll drive me home, a short distance away. I’m in the back seat, while the instructor is in the front passenger seat, which has another set of pedals.)

Instructor: “Remember: before crossing another street, slow the car, and look to see if any others are coming. If there’s a STOP sign, stop the car entirely. Understood?”

Student: “Yes, of course.”

(He starts driving. At some point we’re about to cross a semi-big street, with a STOP sign facing us, but the car shows no signs of slowing. Just when I think the other student is going to cross without looking, the car suddenly stops. At first I think the other student has remembered to stop a bit late, but then I look at him. He glances around us for a few moments, then down at his pedals, then at the instructor, looking entirely confused.)

Student: “What just happened?”

(The instructor had used his own brake to stop the car. I walked the rest of the way.)

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