Super Committed To The Part

, , , , , | | Legal | June 16, 2019

(I am sitting at a cafe with some friends when a guy we don’t know approaches us. He’s holding a box with a slot on it.)

Guy: “Hello. Excuse me for bothering you, but I’m raising a fund for two friends of mine. They had a motorcycle accident and both of them are near death. My other friends and I are trying to get enough money to pay for the surgery they need. Can you spare any?”

(We all smell a scam easily and say, “No, thank you.” After trying to change our minds for a couple of minutes, he moves on to other tables. Over the next several years, I occasionally still see him in cafes in different parts of the city, but he never speaks to me again until one day, four years after the first time, at a very different place.)

Guy: “Hello. Excuse me for bothering you, but my friends had a motorcycle accident and are fighting for their lives in the hospital. Can you spare us some money for the surgery they need?”

Me: “Wow! They’re still fighting for their lives, four years later?”

Guy: *suddenly looks lost for words, begins to stammer* “Uh, I mean, it was a really bad accident. The doctors have been trying hard to keep them alive.”

(He stared at us for a few seconds and we stared back, and then he left without saying anything more. I kept seeing him here and there for a while, but that was our last interaction. I was kind of impressed that he still tried to explain his story.)

Eel Lady Attacks!

, , , , , | Right | April 19, 2019

(I’m a sushi chef in a small kiosk in a grocery store. We rent the kiosk from the store but are owned by a parent company. One of the rolls we have is slices of eel on balls of rice, topped with sesame seeds and a sauce.)

Customer: “EXCUSE ME!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Customer: “What are these… things on the eel?!”

Me: “Those are sesame seeds, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t want them! Make me a new one this instant!”

(She then opens the package containing the sushi and throws it at me, hitting my chest and smearing sauce down my front. I stare at her and slowly turn, making her a new set with no seeds. I hand it to her and she walks away, no thank you or apology. Twenty minutes later, she storms back up, and again, she throws the eel at me, this time hitting my face, as well.)

Customer: “THERE ARE NO SESAME SEEDS!”

Me: *trying to keep my cool, because I need the job* “Ma’am, you requested that I make you a roll with no seeds.”

Customer: “Don’t you lie to me, you little b****! I want my g**d*** roll made right!”

(I very quietly made her a new roll, this time pouring the seeds into a sauce cup with a lid. I handed it to her, and she left again. Ten minutes later, the lady came back with a grocery store manager, demanding that I be fired for my rudeness. He listened to my side and told her that even if I had done anything wrong, he had no authority to fire me, as I was not his employee. She stomped her feet in the most childish way and stormed out. Thirty minutes later, I looked up to see Eel Lady, as she is now known, walking back through the door, her cheeks puffy. She walked up to me, chewing, and then proceeded to spit chewed-up eel and rice all over me. Eel Lady was then escorted out and permanently banned from the store.)

We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Dog Bowl

, , , , , | Right | February 14, 2019

(This story was relayed to me by my dad, the customer in question. We have a pair of pet goldfish, and I asked him to bring some more food for them on his way home, as we were running out.)

Dad: *approaches pet shop employee* “Excuse me. Do you have any food for dogfish?”

(Dogfish are a kind of shark.)

Employee: “For… what?”

(I think he was thinking of my stepmother’s dog.)

I’ll Keep This Brief; I Will Not Buy Your Case

, , , | Right | December 15, 2018

(I am the owner of a bags, purses, etc. shop in the city centre. It’s on a street that has many similar shops; some of them have run out of business, though. I generally don’t get many weird demands, but then this guy comes over that wants to return an item that was not bought from my shop.)

Customer: “Hi. I’d like to return this briefcase.”

Me: *extra polite* “Yeah, um, unfortunately, I cannot accept it because you did not buy that from my shop.”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “I cannot take items that are not bought from the shop; it doesn’t work that way. But if you have a receipt, I can check where the item was bought and point you to the correct shop.”

Customer: “Here’s the receipt.”

Me: “Wow. This was bought over a year from the shop next door. Unfortunately, it has closed.”

Customer: “What am I supposed to do with the briefcase?”

Me: “No idea. Give it to someone as a gift? I don’t know.”

Customer: “How much would you pay for it?”

Me: “Zero. I cannot buy; I sell.”

Customer: “But you buy from wholesalers.”

Me: “I will not buy your briefcase; please, stop asking that.”

Customer: “Okay, I will leave it on the floor and see what you’ll do about it.”

Me: “If you do that, I will kick it out of my shop and a passerby will take it, I guess.”

Customer: “You stupid people don’t know how to run a business.”

Not Provider-ing The Right Information

, , , | Right | November 19, 2018

(I work tech support in a software company. Our clients are other companies whose employees use our software. If there is a technical issue, the clients’ employees call us directly. In order to help, we naturally need to know which client company they’re calling from.)

Me: “Hello, [Company] tech support. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’m having a problem with your software.” *describes problem*

Me: “I see. This issue requires some investigation; please let me look into it and I’ll call you back later. Could you tell your name, and where you are calling from?”

Caller: “I’m [Caller]. I’m calling from my office.”

Me: “No, I mean which company?”

Caller: “Oh. It’s [Major Telecommunications Company].”

(That company is indeed one of our clients, and I’ve been told to give them first priority if they have any issues. After I hang up, I begin to look into the issue, but I can’t find a record of anyone with that name working there. Since their usage history is required to see what caused the problem, that means I can’t do anything about it. Fearing it is taking too long, I let my boss know, but he can’t find the user, either. After a while, he comes to talk to me, looking a mix of amused and annoyed.)

Boss: “So, this [Caller] you spoke to? In fact, she works for [Other Much Smaller Company].”

Me: “So, why did she say they worked for [Major Telecommunications Company]?”

Boss: “She called from her mobile phone, and thought you were asking which provider she uses.”

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