I am checking out a family with two young sons. I work in a small local store, and I have a disability that means I need an assistance dog, a golden good boy who is laying next to me wearing a high-viz vest.

Young Boy #1: “Mom! Look! It’s a dog!”

Young Boy #2: “He looks like a good dog!”

Customer: “Yes, boys, but look what he’s wearing.”

Young Boy #1: “The bright vest?”

Customer: “Yes, the high-visibility vest, and remember what that means?

[Young Boy #2] speaks in that manner that shows he and his brother have learned this word-for-word.

Young Boy #2: “That he’s a working dog and we shouldn’t approach or touch.”

Customer: “Very good. So look, admire, but don’t touch.”

Young Boy #1 & #2: “Yes, Mom.”

Me: “I have to say, that is so refreshing! Most parents don’t teach their children about working dogs.”

Customer: “Oh, I’ve heard too many stories about kids getting too excited about dogs and it going too far. I nipped that in the bud with my boys a long time ago.”

Me: “That’s awesome! Although, it’s getting to be around snack time for my dog, and it’s not against his training if he receives snacks from other people as long as he sees me give them to that person first. Would that be okay?”

Customer: “Oh, wow! My boys would love that!”

I go through the trained process of letting my doggo know that it is snack time. He diligently stands up, knowing a well-earned treat is coming. He sees me take two treats and give them to each boy, and they excitedly step up and offer them to the dog. Once I give the “okay” signal, he happily chows down the treats, tail wagging. I also give the signal that it’s okay to accept the boys’ petting for a while, and for a moment, all three are the image of pure joy.

Customer: “Thank you so much! We lost our dog to ripe old age a few months ago, and they’ve been missing him. This was really sweet of you. Thank you for giving permission.”

Me: “What are you talking about? It’s my dog who gave permission to me!”

With that, they finished their purchase, the boys gave a big goodbye hug to my very good boy, and he went straight back into diligent work mode. I don’t deserve him.

A pregnant woman comes up to the counter with her partner. While they’re checking out, the partner grabs a packing of condoms.

Woman: “Bit late for those, isn’t it?”

Man: “Oh, it’s so I don’t knock you up again.”

Woman: “You’re buying them for four months from now?”

Man: “No! This weekend!”

Woman: “I’m already pretty f***in’ pregnant, dumdum!”

Man: “Yeah, but I don’t want to accidentally make you pregnant again.”

Woman: “Wait… Do you think I can get pregnant again while already pregnant?”

Man: “Well… yeah?”

Woman: “I’m a pregnant human being, not a factory line! I can’t get pregnant again until this one is out!”

Man: “Are you sure?”

Woman: *To me, finally paying* “Sorry about him. He’s an idiot, but I love him.”

Me: “Haha, that’s okay.”

Man: “I’m not stupid, okay?”

Woman: *Still talking to me.* “This is the same man that asked me to reschedule my period to avoid the Superbowl weekend, so… yeah… that’s where we are.”

They grabbed their groceries, sans condoms, and bickered toward their car.

A customer is paying by card and gets to the payment confirmation prompt. It’s “yes” to confirm payment and “no” to cancel it. They hit “no”.

Customer: “Something’s wrong with your machine.”

Me: “Looks like you hit ‘no’ at the confirmation question. Just hit ‘yes’ if you want to pay by card.”

I put it through again, but the customer presses “no” again.

Me: *Forced smile* “Whoops! You pressed ‘no’ again, sir. Just press ‘yes’ when you are asked to confirm the payment amount.”

One more time, and guess which button he presses AGAIN?

Customer: “You keep doing something wrong!”

Me: “Sir, if you don’t want to cancel the transaction, just press ‘yes’.”

Customer: “Oh… hehe, I am so used to knowing not to press ‘yes’ on my computer because my son said if I did that, I would get a virus! Force of habit!”

This time, I watch very carefully as I run the card through yet again. I end up having to jump in front of the customer and force-press “yes” just to get to the PIN screen.

Customer: “Oh! It worked that time! Well done!”

The card declined, and he paid with cash.

I wear hearing aids. I am working at a checkout at the express lane (fifteen items or less). A customer is in my lane and spots my hearing aids.

Customer: “CAN… YOU… UNDERSTAND… ME?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I can hear you just fine. You can speak normally.”

Customer: “IT’S… GOOD… THAT… THEY… LET… PEOPLE… LIKE… YOU… WORK!”

Me: “Ma’am, there is no need to speak slowly or shout. I can understand you just fine.”

Customer: “I’M… ONLY… TRYING… TO… BE… NICE! NO… NEED… TO… BE… SO… SENSITIVE!”

I decide it’s best to leave it alone and start scanning her items. I then realize she has more than fifteen items — a lot more.

Me: “Ma’am, this is the fifteen-items-or-less aisle. Can you please take your cart to one of the other checkout lanes?”

Customer: *Muttering* “This is why they shouldn’t let r****ds out in public.” *Back to loudly shouting* “I’M… IN… A… HURRY!… CAN… YOU… UNDERSTAND?”

I calmly point to the multiple signs explaining the express lane.

Me: “MA’AM! CAN… YOU… NOT… READ?”

She complained. I got a little slap on the wrist. Worth it.

Related:
If Only They Could Hear Themselves, Part 3
If Only They Could Hear Themselves, Part 2
If Only They Could Hear Themselves

A mother is checking out. She has her newborn infant in a buggy, along with her son who looks to be about four years old.

Suddenly, the boy’s eyes go wide, and he shouts loudly.

Son: “Mommy! You forgot to raise [Little Brother]! You need to raise him!”

I look confused and the mother catches my look.

Customer: “Oh, he thinks ‘raising a child’ means actually lifting a child above your head. He got that from The Lion King.”

Me: “Oh, that’s cute!”

Customer: “It is, until you find your four-year-old trying to hold his baby brother up over his head next to a bunch of rocks…” 

I need to stop chatting with the customers!