Several years ago, I worked at a low-cost grocery store. My coworker was a super sweet lady in her sixties. She was very kind and friendly, she always had a smile on her face, and she had a pleasant personality.

When she checked out customers, she would take an interest in them, engage in conversation, and make them laugh. She developed a lot of regular customers who might just drop in to say hello or would go through her line for her to ring them up.

[Coworker] was retired from her teaching job and took this job to help support her elderly mother who lived with her and had a great deal of health issues.

One day, [Coworker] came in looking exhausted. She still managed to keep a smile on her face and checked out customers efficiently and quickly. I was working at the register next to her and witnessed this exchange.

One of her regular customers noticed her tired appearance.

Regular Customer: “[Coworker], are you okay? You look so tired today.”

Coworker: “I am okay. Mom had a bad night. She fell, and we ended up in the emergency room. We were there for several hours. She wasn’t badly hurt, thank goodness, but she gave me a scare.”

Regular Customer: “I’m so sorry to hear that. I will keep you and her in my thoughts and prayers.”

[Coworker] thanked him for his concern, completed his sale, and wished him well.  The next customer in line approached [Coworker], and before she could even say, “Hello,” he began shouting at her.

Rude Customer: “I don’t care how tired you are, and I don’t care about your mother! Your job is to serve me, and you will serve me! Do you understand?”

[Coworker] looked stunned and she nodded her head and rang up the man in silence.

Another coworker overheard the man and got the manager. The manager came out, but the man had already left. The manager told [Coworker] to take a break, and he took over for her.

[Coworker] never said she was tired; the regular customer just pointed out she looked tired. [Coworker] had worked at the store for almost ten years, and she later said that she had never had such a jerk of a customer.

I learned a trick years ago when dealing with the dreaded “autopilot loop”: say something completely bonkers. I usually try to switch things up before resorting to being strange, but sometimes, all you can do is snap them out of it with some crazy. 

For example, I wanted to use a coupon for a product at my local grocery store that I didn’t realize had expired the week prior. When my turn came and my items were scanned, I handed the coupon to the cashier.

Cashier: “Oh, sorry, I can’t use this. It’s expired.”

I felt silly for missing the expiry date.

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t realize. You can just throw it out, then.”

Cashier: “Oh, no, sorry, it’s expired. I can’t accept this.”

Me: “Yes, I understand. Do you want me to throw it out?”

The cashier made no move to hand it back or throw it away.

Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t use this. It expired last week. “

Then, I had the slow dawning realization that autopilot had been activated.

Me: “Right, you’ve said that. May I have it back to throw away, then?”

Cashier: “No, ma’am, it’s expired. I can’t take it.”

I looked at the customer behind me, who just shrugged and gave me a sympathetic smile.

Me: “For high tea, I like to grab the bean berries off of my turkey bushes before the surfboards see them.”

The cashier — and the now very confused customer behind me — stared at me.

Cashier: “What… What did you say?”

Me: “I was asking if I could pay by debit?”

Cashier: “Um, yes. Yes, you can!”

Still somewhat confused, she finished my transaction and allowed me on my way with my items, throwing the coupon out under her register.

As I left, I could hear her ask the next customer if I had really just said something about turkey bushes and surfboards. 

Customer: “I’m not sure, but whatever she said, it worked!”

This trick works on angry customers, too! Just try to have a couple of phrases ready to go; I have a few I’ve used, and I’ll share them soon!

We have a regular customer who works in training seeing-eye dogs. It’s always a pleasure to see her training new batches of puppies who start off as playful yet adorably naughty and grow into the calm and dependable eyes that blind people rely on every day.

The regular comes in one day with a little black Labrador who is a bundle of energy given form. He wants to run EVERYWHERE! Every aisle is an adventure, every item is a new smell, and every human is a new best friend. Basically, he’s failing his training spectacularly.

Me: “Wow, you’ve got a live one there!”

Regular: “Yeah, this is Splodge. He’s just started his training so he’s a bit… boisterous.”

Me: “He’s still discovering the world; I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

A couple of weeks later, the regular is back with Splodge. He seems to have doubled in size — and in energy! He actually drags the regular a bit to say hello to me since he recognises me.

Me: *Laughing* “Wow, hey there, Splodge! I’d say, ‘Who’s a good boy?!’ but I don’t think I’m supposed to!”

Regular: “Yeah, he’s definitely my most challenging student so far! Still, he’s making progress… sloooowly.”

Me: *Trying to escape Splodge’s licks* “I’m sure you’re trying your best.”

Every couple of weeks, I see Splodge. Well, actually, I see a black blur dash into the store, dart around a little, and then beeline for me in full attack-lick mode. While I am sure my regular is trying her very best, I just don’t see Splodge having the temperament for… well… I think [Regular] put it best.

Regular: “I am beginning to come to the conclusion that Splodge is going to see a squirrel and get a poor blind person killed.”

Me: “I was beginning to wonder… What happens if a dog doesn’t… uh… graduate?”

Regular: “They go to a shelter where they get put up for adoption.”

Me: “And when do you decide that they’re not going to pass?”

Regular: “It depends on the dog, and a few other factors, but…”

The regular looks at me and my beaming smile, while Splodge appears to be finding new ways to hug me.

Regular: “Would… would you?”

Me: “Very much, please!”

Regular: *Laughs* “I’ll get the paperwork sorted.”

Within a few months, Splodge crashed out of seeing-eye dog school both literally and figuratively. After checking out my flat and garden, my regular customer endorsed me to adopt Splodge.

That was five years ago. He is still a bundle of energy but thankfully has calmed down somewhat. While I can’t say for sure if he ever would have been a good seeing-eye dog, I can say without a doubt that for the last five years, he has been the goodest boy, and I tell him every day.

Our store is quite laid back and doesn’t have a uniform policy. I am wearing a shirt that has the word “COEXIST” written on it using ideograms often associated with the major world religions. A customer I am checking out gasps at my shirt.

Customer: “That shirt is so offensive!”

Me: “A shirt encouraging major world religions to all get along is offensive?”

Customer: “Good Christians shouldn’t be associated with degenerate religions like those!”

Me: “Wow, and you say I’m the offensive one?”

Customer: “Take off that shirt or you’ll be going to Hell!”

Since she’s raising her voice, my manager comes over.

Manager: “Everything okay over here?”

Me: “This customer is saying that Muslims, Jews, and Taoists are degenerates, and she also wants me to disrobe in front of her.”

Customer: “That is not what I said!”

Me: “She also said if I don’t do what she asked, I am going to Hell.”

The customer splutters and then storms off.

Manager: “Doesn’t she know that working retail with customers like her is already Hell?”

A customer is buying a full cart of groceries. They’re paying by card, and the screen at the checkout prompts them for a signature.

Me: “Use the stylus to sign.”

The customer stares blankly at the screen.

Me: “The pen on the string. Take that, and sign on the screen like you’d normally sign your signature on paper.”

The customer nervously takes the stylus and just stares at it.

Me: “Yes, that. Use that to sign on the screen.”

Customer: “Can’t you do it for me?”

Me: “I can’t sign your signature, no.”

Customer: “Ugh… this is all too much work.”

And with that, they just dropped the stylus, literally leaving it hanging, and walk away. They spent enough time to completely fill up a cart full of groceries, but having to sign for it on a screen was too much work?

I still don’t understand what happened.