Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

, , | Right | June 11, 2009

(I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

Customer: “Yes, I would.”

Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”

(The total rings up as $24.32.)

Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mom.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry… I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

Customer’s Daughter: *to me* “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

Customer: “Smart a**!”

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Do As I Yell, Not As I Do

, | Right | June 10, 2009

Me: “Do you have a store credit account?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Would you like to open one? You’ll get 15% off your purchase today and–”

Customer: “NO. I don’t open up useless credit accounts. You wonder why people are in debt all the time; it’s because they open up s*** like this. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

Me: *silently rings up the rest of her purchase* “And how would you like to pay for this?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m going to put it on my store credit account.”

 

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The Devil Is In The Ridiculous Details

, , | Right | June 10, 2009

(Two female customers are purchasing coffees and breath mints at the cafe in the bookstore.)

Me: “Your total is $6.66.”

Customer #1: *looking horrified* “NO! I don’t want my total to be $6.66! Let me add something else…”

(She starts combing the gum shelves for a flavor she wants.)

Customer #2: *patting friend consolingly* “No, don’t worry about it. You only have to worry about it if $6.66 is the amount of change you get BACK.”

Customer #1: “OH, okay!”

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Sometimes They Travel In Packs

, , , | Right | June 10, 2009

(I have just arrived and am beginning my shift, when a teenage girl approaches the counter.)

Customer: “Hi… do you guys sell bread?”

Me: “Yes, we do. Anything you’re looking for in particular?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Which is?”

Customer: “White bread.”

Me: “We have several kinds of white bread. What kind would you like?”

Customer: “Oh… whatever.”

Me: *grabs the most expensive white bread* “Sliced?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “Thick or thin?”

Customer: “Oh… thick.”

Me: *slices bread and rings everything up* “That’ll be $5.50.”

Customer: “Is it too late to get that thin-sliced?”

Me: “…I could get another loaf for you.”

Customer: “Oh… nah, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

Me: *hands her her change and her bread* “Have a nice day.”

(She leaves, and a clearly intoxicated man walks over to my coworker.)

Man: “I LIKE YOUR BUNS!”

(He swears loudly and walks away.)

Coworker: “It’s gonna be a long day.”

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A Sleepwalk To Remember

, , | Right | June 9, 2009

(I work in customer service, where tobacco products and lottery tickets are purchased.)

Me: “Do you need any cigarettes or lotto with that today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Excuse me?!”

Me: “Do you need any cigarettes or lotto today?”

Customer: “What do you mean by that?”

Me: “…do you need to purchase any cigarettes or lotto today?”

Customer: “But, what do you mean by that?”

Me: “I mean… do you want to buy cigarettes or lotto today?”

Customer: *blank stare* “What?”

Me: “Do you know what cigarettes and lotto are?”

Customer: *shakes head* “Um…” *confused look*

(I explain to her what cigarettes and lotto are, then I ring the lady’s purchase in and put it in a bag. She punches in her number for her debit card but stops halfway through and looks at me.)

Customer: “Aw, crap, I forgot to buy my cigarettes.”

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