In Search Of Mrs. Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not

, , | Right | July 3, 2009

Me: “Hello, how are you doing tonight?”

(The customer says nothing for a few moments while blatantly staring at me.)

Customer: “…you have two air holes.”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “You only have two air holes!”

Me: “Well, yes. Two NOSTRILS, you mean.”

Customer: *continues to stare intently at me*

Me: “…”

Customer: “You should have three. I have been looking all my life for someone with three nostrils, but I still haven’t found her!”

Me: “Oh… really.”

Customer: “Yeah! I’ve traveled the world, but no luck.”

Me: *accepts his money and bags the item* “Well, you have fun with that!”

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No Dimes Like The Present

, , , | Right | June 29, 2009

(It’s my first day, and the place I’m working at has me doing registers. A lady comes up with a full cart with approximately $400 worth of merchandise. I run her credit card through, and it gets denied.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, your card isn’t being accepted by our system.”

Customer: “But it should be working! It doesn’t expire until 2020!”

Me: “Unfortunately, it seems your card might be maxed out. The expiration date won’t really help there.”

Customer: “…but it’s good until 2020!”

Co-worker: “Ma’am, there’s nothing he can do. Either find another way to pay for your purchase or leave the merchandise here.”

Customer: “All right, I’ll write a check, but I’m going to call [credit card company] and complain. They gave me a bad credit card! It’s not supposed to expire until 2020!”

(Surprisingly, the check went through.)

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Crimes Of (Extremely Long) Premeditation

, , , | Right | June 26, 2009

Me: “That’ll be $23.44, ma’am.”

Customer: *stares off into space*

Me: “…Ma’am?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “How would you like to pay for this?”

Customer: “Oh, right, I guess I have to give you money…”

Me: “I’d appreciate it.”

Customer: “…or, I could always steal it.”

(At first, I think she’s kidding; but, after a long pause, I realize she is actually contemplating this.)

Me: “I’d go with the former, ma’am.”

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Always Right, Even When Devouring Your Mortal Soul

, , | Right | June 26, 2009

(A teenage customer comes up to my checkout with a bag of chips.)

Customer: “This job must suck. Am I right?”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s not horrible. I get paid to tell people how much to pay and sit around most the time. It’s pretty slow this time of day.”

Customer: “You should get out of here and go to college! Get an education!”

Me: “Sir, I’m already in college. This job and one other is paying for me to go to college, as well as my rent.”

Customer: “Hey! The customer is always right! You can’t correct me! And if I didn’t eat junk food, then I would eat your soul! How much for this?”

Me: “$1.08, sir.”

Customer: *pays and leaves*

Coworker: *to me* “Did he just say he was going to eat your soul?”

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Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

, , | Right | June 11, 2009

(I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

Customer: “Yes, I would.”

Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”

(The total rings up as $24.32.)

Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mom.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry… I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

Customer’s Daughter: *to me* “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

Customer: “Smart a**!”

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