Selfish Smokers

, , , , , | | Right | August 21, 2009

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “A packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, please.”

(I hand him the cigarettes.)

Customer: “Wait, I don’t want these ones.”

Me: “Why? They’re Marlboro Lights. Did you change your mind?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want ones with this health warning about cigarettes causing impotency.”

Me: “Ok. Do you want ‘smoking harms those around you,’ or ‘smoking causes testicular cancer?'”

Customer: “Give me the ‘harms others’ ones.”

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You’re Only As Old As You Act

, , , , , | Right | February 17, 2009

(An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary.”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

(She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

Me: “Ma’am… this card says you’re seventeen.”

Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

Me: “…”

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Hoochie Grannies, Gotta Love ‘Em

, , , | | Right | September 24, 2008

(A little old lady is getting coffee. She is wearing thick blue eyeshadow, pink circles of blush, and bright red lipstick.)

Me: “Here’s your coffee. That’ll be $2.75.”

Little Old Lady: *gives me a $20* “Keep the change, dear.”

Me: “That’s very generous, thank you!”

Little Old Lady: “After work, go buy yourself some makeup. Just because you work at a coffee shop doesn’t mean you have to look like a slob!”

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Playing Hide And Don’t Seek

, , , | | Right | September 1, 2008

Bookstore customer: “Do you have the CD, Lord Lift Our Voices Up On High, Volume 11?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t have it. We do have Volumes 9 and 10. I can show you where they are.”

Customer: “No, no, I already have those. I like them. Do you have God Loves America, Volume 12?”

Me: “Let me check… yes! We have that one. I can show you.”

Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 11?”

Me: “Yes. I can show–”

Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 10?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer:Volume 9?”

Me: “Yes.”

(This continues until we get to Volume 3.)

Me: “Would you like to know about Volumes 1 and 2?”

Customer: “No, I have those. I like them. Have you heard them?”

Me: “No… so, let me just get these CDs for you.”

Customer: “No thanks.”

(I’ve been helping her for nearly 20 minutes, and suspect she has mental issues; thankfully, she goes away. Ten minutes later, I hear the same customer speak up loudly behind me.)

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to go to the doctor tomorrow, but they tell me I have to.”

Me: “Oh, uh, ehrm… yeah?”

Customer: “Yeah. Colonoscopy. I don’t want to, but they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from.”

Me: *whimpers*

(At this point, I leave the music department and hide between the far right security sensor and a book display just outside it. The store manager walks by and sees me.)

Manager: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Hiding from a customer who was telling me about her upcoming colonoscopy! She says they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from!”

Manager: “You can stay.”

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Always Right, Unless There’s Not Enough Light

, , , | | Right | August 13, 2008

(Note: this story takes place at a bank in Zimbabwe.)

Teller: “Good morning sir, how may I help you?”

Me: “Good morning, please may I withdraw 100 billion?”

(This is about 1 US dollar.)

Teller: “I’m very sorry, sir, but we do not have enough sun.”

Me: “What!?”

Teller: “We cannot give you money because we do not have enough sun.”

Me: “Why do you need sun to give me money?”

Teller: “Oh, we are having a power cut, and the solar panel isn’t receiving enough sun to run the computers.”

Me: *laughs* “Thank you very much for the best excuse, ever.”

Teller: “You’re welcome sir, have a good day.”

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