I am helping some customers (an older couple) at my register when I get a call from the manager asking me to help a Spanish caller. Since I have a headset, I can speak and scan items at the same time, so I assist the Spanish customer, and they hang up satisfied before I turn back to the customer I am serving.

Me: “That’s $188.81, please.”

Customer: “How did you do that?!”

Me: “Do what?”

Customer: “You just spoke another language!”

Me: “Oh, yes, I sometimes help our Spanish customers if they struggle with English.”

Customer: “But… how can you do that?!”

Me: “I’m bilingual.”

Customer: “Does that mean you can write with both of your hands?”

Me: “No, it means I can speak two languages. Writing with both of your hands is ambidextrous.”

Customer’s Husband: “I thought that was arthritis.”

Me: “No, that’s a disease.”

Customer’s Husband: “Being able to write with both hands is a disease?”

Customer: “No, it’s just the Spanish name for it.”

Me: *Frantic* “That’s $188.81, please!”

They (mercifully) pay without getting more confused. My next customer has heard it all and is laughing. 

Next Customer: “Aww, why did you stop them? I wanted to see how deep that rabbit hole could go…”

A mother and her son (about eight years old) came in, wanting to buy a stone statue. They asked if we could set it aside so they could get it on their way home. Noticing that the boy was very eager for this purchase, I turned to him.

Me: “Of course! I just need a name and phone number.”

Boy: “My name is [Boy].”

Mother: *Smiling and whispering* “Oh, and my phone number is [number].”

Me: “Great! Do you want me to wrap it up so it is protected while you are away?

Mother: “What do you say, [Boy]? Should she wrap it?”

Boy: “It is not a present; it is for me.”

Mother: “Yes, but this is just to protect it so it doesn’t break.”

Boy: “Oh.” *Turns to me and answers firmly* “Yes!”

I did so and put the note with the name and number on it. Later that day, the boy came back.

Boy: “I have a package set aside. My name is [Boy].”

I gave it to him and told him the total, and he paid with what I assumed was his mother’s card. We exchanged all the normal platitudes, and as he walked away, I noticed his mother waiting by the door, smiling proudly.

It is always nice to see kids so happy that they can do things themselves.

Me: “That’s [total], ma’am.”

Customer: “Do you accept checks?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Let me find my checkbook first.”

After rummaging around for a long while, she finally finds it.

Customer: “I need to write this all down.”

Then, she wrote everything in the checkbook register before actually writing the check.  

Thank God the register didn’t ask for her ID! I had two or three people leave my line and go to self-check just because of how long she took.

It’s like these people didn’t know they would have to pay for their items!

Customer: *Sneezes*

Me: “Gesundheit.”

Customer: “No, it’s ‘God bless you’.”

Me: “Well, I’m not religious, so it wouldn’t be much of a blessing.”

Customer: “You don’t believe in God?”

Me: “No.”

Her body language changes to something defensive.

Customer: *In a mocking tone* “So, how does that feel?”

She looks at me like she has just asked the most profound question in history and I am going to drop to my knees and accept Jesus into what was clearly the massive, moralless hole in my life.

Me: “Do you believe in Buddha?”

Customer: “No…”

Me: “It feels like that.”

She didn’t look very happy with me and walked off.

I was given a $100 gift certificate for a massage one year for my birthday. I chose a service that was exactly $100. As I was checking out, the girl at the counter asked me:

Cashier: “Would you like to add a gratuity?”

Me: “Yes, twenty.”

Cashier: *In a snotty tone* “Dollars or percent?”

Me: “Um, either one. They’re both the same.”

Cashier: “Um, I need you to tell me which one!”

Me: “The bill is $100; 20% is the same as $20 since the total is $100.”

She looked at me like I was a total moron, sneered, and then typed on her computer.

Her face showed utter shock when her computer screen agreed with me.

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