After checking out at the grocery store, I toss the receipt and my change into the bag with the stuff I bought. When I get to the car and start putting the change in my purse, I realize that the cashier has given me thirty-five cents too much.

I go back into the store, wait in line at the same checkout, and tell the cashier that she gave me too much change.

Cashier: “That was our mistake. You should have just kept the change.”

Me: “Listen, honey, if I’m going to Hell for stealing, it isn’t going to be for thirty-five cents; it’s going to be for billions!”

She laughed and thanked me for being honest.

Another last-day-zero-f***s story! I am bagging the items on my last day ever before college. Two guys in fancy suits are discussing some money- and banking-related matters as I bag.

Customer #1: *Looking at me but talking to [Customer #2]* “Let’s talk about this later. We shouldn’t be talking about this in public.”

Customer #2: *Looking at me* “What, him? He doesn’t understand what we’re talking about. There’s no way he’s on our level.”

Me: “That’s right. No way could I ever stoop that low.”

Customer #2: “You can’t be saying that to me!”

Me: “And you shouldn’t be discussing client’s tax evasion so loudly when I’ve already seen that you pay with [Big American Bank] business card.”

The rest of the bagging was completed in silence, and the next week, I started my first day of going to college for my business degree!

This just happened at the supermarket tonight. I had a fairly full cart, and when the cashier finished scanning my groceries and gave me my final total, I noticed that it was absurdly high.

Then, I saw that one of the last charges read, “LV CRB BUSH — $179.99.”

I didn’t even know the supermarket sold anything that expensive. I asked the cashier what the charge was, and she squinted at it and said she wasn’t sure. Then, it occurred to me that maybe “LV CRB BUSH” was short for “bushel of live crabs,” which, I guess, in theory, could cost that much. I don’t know; never bought live crabs.

Me: “Is that… a bushel of live crabs?”

Cashier: “Yeah, I think so. Is that something you didn’t buy?”

I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m also not exactly sure what to say.

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’d remember buying a bushel of live crabs.”

The cashier tried to figure out which of my items rang up that way, but it had all been bagged, and there was no way to figure it out without starting the whole giant transaction again. Then, she tried to void that sale, but for whatever reason, the computer wouldn’t let her. She summoned a manager.

Cashier: “How do I take this off?”

Manager: “What, he doesn’t want it anymore?”

Cashier: “No, he says he never bought it.”

Me: *Trying to be helpful* “I did not buy a bushel of live crabs.”

The manager pressed some magic buttons, and $179.99 was deducted from my final total. Phew.

Me: “Do you even sell live crabs?”

Cashier: “No.”

At the theatre where I work, we have two registers that don’t have money in them as they are card checkout only. I am constantly calling out, “If you have a card, I can take your order,” because sometimes I have no people in my line.

On Christmas, we got SLAMMED. I kept getting customers trying to give me their cards, and it wasn’t a problem for the most part, until this mom came up with her four kids. She kept trying to get each one to order their own meal which not only slowed things down but would upset her when they would get shy. When it came time to pay, she pulled out a hundred-dollar bill.

Customer: “I want my change in dollars, please.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is a card-only line.”

Customer: *Angrily* “You should’ve told me instead of wasting my time and my kids’ time!”

I pointed to the sign indicating that this register is card-only.

Me: “I did say that it was a card-only line.”

Customer: “No! This is your fault!”

She kept insisting on this, until…

Customer #2: “Would you hurry up? My movie just started!”

Afterward, she tried to tell my manager that I was rude and lied to her.

It’s December 23rd. I’m a freshman in college. My bagger is in the second year of his master’s degree. I’m not available to work on the 24th, so I offer to pick up extra hours on the 23rd. The store manager enthusiastically takes me up on my offer… and schedules me from 10:00 am to 10:00 pm.

It’s about 9:30 pm and we are still busy. They’ve started making “store closing in thirty minutes” announcements. My bagger and I are commiserating over our sore feet and legs when a well-dressed older woman descends upon my register with an overflowing cart.

Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

She waves me off with a dismissive gesture.

Customer: “Just ring it up, will you?”

She stands there and stares at me.

Me: “Ma’am, I need you to unload the cart, please.”

She huffs and starts unloading items on to the belt. I start scanning and sliding items to my bagger. She finishes unloading but does not push her cart forward.

Bagger: “May I have your cart, ma’am?”

She rolls her eyes and pushes the cart forward. My bagger loads it up while she swipes her card.

Customer: “Do y’all have expanded holiday hours?”

Me: “No. Our normal hours are 6:00 am to 10:00 pm, so we don’t really need them.”

Customer: “You need expanded hours. That way, people with real jobs have more time to shop.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “It’s not like you people are doing anything else.”

She snatches the receipt from my hand and marches off. My bagger and I just stare at each other.

Bagger: “So, we don’t have real jobs? I guess those must be imaginary paychecks that go to our imaginary tuition.”