(My two coworkers and I have brown hair and are women. This particularly senior has never gotten our names right.)

Me: “So, I’m all done cleaning.”

Senior: “Good, now go away!”

Me: All right, bye.

(An hour later, I and the other two girls are called to the manager’s office.)

Manager: “So [Senior] just complained to the director that the cleaner who did her room did an awful job and was rude to her. She described the cleaner as “A short brunet.” So which one of you was it?”

(We stay silent.)

Manager: “Right, I can’t punish three people when two didn’t do anything. And she complains every week, so just go.”

(We leave.)

Me: “Thanks guys.”

Coworker #1: “No worries. She really does say we’re rude every week and she complains every week no matter how good a job we do.”

Coworker #2: “Just remember, next week when she does it again, stick by us.”

Me: “Right, as long as none of us confesses to being rude when we weren’t rude and doing a bad job when we did a good job, we’re good.”

(I stayed there two years and never did get punished for that. And she really did complain every week.)

(After losing my job in the great recession, I took an entry level service job to make ends meet. Many of my coworkers, while well-meaning, were not particularly bright. I stuck out like a sore thumb as the only college grad in the building. One coworker decided to ask me for advice…)

Coworker: “Hey, you gone to college, right? So you know about computers?”

Me: “I know a little. I didn’t study computer science, but I’ve used computers for a long time.”

Coworker: “So I just bought a computer, and I need to learn how to do Internet.”

Me: “Yeah, I can help with that. Is it a PC or a Mac?”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “Do you know what kind of computer it is? Where did you buy it?”

Coworker: “Oh, I got it at a garage sale. Only five bucks! I still need to get the other parts, like the keys and the mouse.”

Me: “Good deal on a computer. Yeah, you’ll need the keyboard and mouse before you can do anything. Do you have an Internet service provider? If you have cable, you can probably have your cable company add Internet service.”

Coworker: “I got to pay them for it? That’s crazy. WiFi don’t cost nothing.”

Me: “Not here at work, but to get it at home, you’ll need to pay.”

Coworker: “D***. Hey, do I need one of those boxes?”

Me: “Boxes?”

Coworker: “Yeah, one of those boxes that go under the desk.”

Me: *pointing to the tower of a nearby computer* “Like, one of these boxes?”

Coworker: “Yeah! Like that. What’s that do?”

Me: “That’s the computer. The part that actually does the computing. Wait, what part did you buy?”

Coworker: *pointing to the monitor* “A computer. Like this one.”

Me: “Oooh. Yeah, that’s just the monitor. It’s like a TV that shows what the box is doing. The parts in the box do the actual computing.”

Coworker: “So how much one of them gonna cost me?”

Me: “A really basic one would probably be three or four hundred.”

Coworker: “WHAT? H***, no! I’m gonna find some other way to make my computer work.”

Me: “Good luck with that.”

(I work as a server for the elderly residents.)

Resident: “What sort of ice cream is there?”

Me: “Vanilla, strawberry, and peach.”

Resident: “Chocolate?”

Me: “No chocolate.”

Resident: “You said chocolate!”

Me: “No, I said vanilla, strawberry, and peach.”

(She rolls her eyes and grudgingly orders vanilla. When I bring it out, she looks disgusted and asks the manager to come here.)

Manager: “What’s the problem?”

Resident: “This is too little ice cream! I wanted more!”

Manager: *to me* “You must bring more ice cream to her next time.”

Me: “Okay. I was under the impression that she only wanted a bit, but okay.”

(The manager helps me scoop out more ice cream for her, and I resume my duties. Guess what I saw when I went to clear the resident’s plates after she left? A full bowl of untouched vanilla ice cream! Crotchety old bat.)

(Although I am an accountant, and in no way connected to the IT department, one of our residents is convinced that I’m the person he should come to with complaints about his Internet service. He often stops by my office to complain about slow speeds and connection issues. To be fair, I do look like a stereotypical IT guy, but I’ve told him repeatedly that I can’t fix his Internet problems.)

Resident: “…and when I was at my son’s house over the weekend, we hooked up the Roku, and got all the channels, at full speed… That administrator stopped by to tell me they were upgrading the speed last week, and NOTHING!…” *ramble, ramble, ramble, ramble*

Me: *nodding with glazed eyes*

Resident: “So ,what do you know about the Internet?”

Me: *snapping out of my trance* “It grew out of DARPA initiatives to connect defense department systems in the 1960s, was adopted by academia in the 1980s, and grew into the world wide web we now know in the early 1990s. And you can find a lot of cat pictures on it.”

Resident: “I meant about the Internet here.”

Me: “Nothing. I know nothing. You need to talk to the IT department.”

(I work in an assisted living home. We only offer our restrooms to those visiting residents, employees, and visiting staff, not to the general public. It should be noted that we are near a large football stadium and people tend to park near us on game days. A person wearing the home team’s jersey, hat, etc. walks in the building and comes up to me at the front desk.)

Person: “Hello, can I use the restroom?”

Me: Are you here visiting someone?”

Person: *thinking they’ve got me* “Yes, my grandma.”

Me: “Oh? What’s her name? And I’ll need you to sign in, please.”

Person: *turning red* “Look, I just need to use the bathroom before the game.”

Me: “Yes, and they have facilities at the stadium for that.”

Person: “But there are lines! I don’t want to miss kickoff!”

Me: *shrugs* “Sorry, but the answer’s still no.”

Person: “UGH, you just hate football!” *stomps out in a huff*

(I actually like football, just not a**-hole fans. Some variation of this conversation happens every single game day with multiple people.)