Time For Trash Talking

, , , , | Right | September 29, 2019

I work in an assisted living facility. When visitors come and sign in, the system prints out a name tag sticker for them to wear. I recently purchased a small desktop trash can for them to put the peel-off backing of the name tags into, because they’ve been all over the floors, desktop, etc.

This trash can A) is directly in front of the visitors’ faces, at more-or-less eye-height, B) is shaped like a large, typical trash receptacle, and C) has a label on the front that says, “TRASH,” in large, easy-to-read font.

And yet at least a dozen times a day, a visitor stands directly in front of the d*** thing, peel-off backing in hand, asking me, “Where’s the trash?” and, “Can you toss this for me?” and, “Where can I put this?”

I would like to tell them just exactly where they can put it, and it sure isn’t the little trash can.

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Will Never Look At Mint Thins The Same Way Again

, , , , , , | Right | September 20, 2019

(I work as waitstaff at a retirement home restaurant where we serve the residents a three-course meal. I go over to my table full of old ladies to give them their dessert. Most of the ladies order the cookie of the day, which is dark chocolate chunk. The cookies we serve are the good kind that you’d buy from a kids’ fundraiser. I serve them their cookies and a few minutes later the ladies call me over.)

Lady #1: *completely serious* “These cookies are amazing! They remind me of an orgasm.”

(This horny old woman looks like an older version of the lady from a Sling TV commercial. I try my hardest not to burst out laughing.)

Lady #2: *picture a tiny, brittle old woman* “Well, then, that’s the best d*** orgasm I’ve even had!”

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Shut The Front Door!

, , , , , | Right | September 19, 2019

I work in an assisted living facility. Our entrance has two sets of double doors on either end of a small vestibule — one set on the outside and the other on the inside. The door you are meant to push or pull to go in or out has a shiny metal push plate or a shiny metal pull bar. Both are large and super obvious. Or not, I guess.

On the outside set of doors, if you don’t pull open the correct door, it will cause both doors to crash together loudly when the next person opens the correct door. It’s super hard to open the wrong door, so you’d think that would be a clue, but no.

On the inside set of doors, you have to push the left-hand door to go out, but only after I’ve pushed the unlock button, because it’s a locked unit. When you are barreling towards the door at mach 10, and I am busy with other tasks, don’t be surprised if your stupid self smacks into the door because it takes me a second to push the button. Also, staring with a vacant expression or outright glaring at me when the door doesn’t open at your whim doesn’t work, either. You know you moved your loved one into a locked unit, so — surprise! — the doors lock. Amazing, I know.

There’s also the fact of the alarm system in place; if someone repeatedly pushes on the door when it’s locked, the alarm triggers, and it’s loud. So, don’t stand there stupidly and push the door over and over just because I didn’t press unlock right away. Sometimes it’s loud in here and I’m busy with something else and I don’t see you right away. Chill. Also, if the alarm triggers when you’re coming in or out, as it sometimes does when the door is opened too close to when it closes, don’t stand there keeping the d*** thing from closing! If it doesn’t close, I can’t reset it, and the alarm will keep going off while you waste time glaring at me about it.

I’ve had signs that say, “Push,” and, “Pull,” on the appropriate doors, but apparently, I’m the only one who’s literate around here. I also thought about giant signs saying, “NO,” on the wrong doors… but I’m guessing two letters would be too difficult, as well.

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Take Care When Leaving A Message

, , , , , | Working | September 12, 2019

(My wife is a hospice chaplain, meaning she works with people at the end of their lives, visiting them in their homes. As many of her clients are elderly, she often has to deal with senility and dementia in the people she works with. One morning, before she leaves for work, I see her make a work call. A man answers the phone.)

Man: *shouting so loudly I can hear him from across the room without speakerphone* “WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU. LEAVE A MESSAGE!” *click*

Wife: *to me* “He… he just hung up. There was no way to actually leave a message.”

(She calls back.)

Man: “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING? YOU NEED TO LEAVE A MESSAGE! DON’T CALL AGAIN!” *click*

(My wife sighs and puts the phone down, then turns back to me.)

Wife: “I’m scheduled to visit them today, and the patient sometimes gets confused. I’m worried about what will happen if I just show up with no warning.”

Me: “Well… is there a caretaker or somebody you can contact to let them know you’re coming?”

Wife: “That was the caretaker!”

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Customers Don’t See Signs, They See Obstacles

, , , , , | Right | September 4, 2019

We have a small tablet on a stand that visitors use to sign in and out at our facility. This system is currently down, so I have people signing in and out on paper in a binder. I have a bright yellow post-it note in the middle of the tablet, saying, “Out of Order. Please use the book to your right.” Simple, right?

Every fifth visitor of the day begins to sign in on the tablet, completely ignoring the note, and acts completely dumbfounded when I point it out.

So, just before I leave for the day, I make a bigger sign that covers the whole screen of the tablet and tape it over the screen.

What do I see when I’m walking out the door? Someone tearing off the paper and attempting to sign in while my coworker looks at me and I look at him and we both do a simultaneous inner facepalm.

I just don’t know where some people misplace their brains.

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