Not Even The Beyoncé Version?

, , , , , | Working | August 22, 2019

(I work in an assisted living facility. A coworker is up near my desk on her break. There are tables near my desk and she’s sitting at one with a couple of residents. This coworker is… not the brightest bulb, to put it mildly.)

Coworker: “Can you put on Avahmarra for [Resident]?”

Me: “Put on what?”

Coworker:Avahmarra. [Coworker #2] said it’s her favorite music.”

Me: “Oh…” *thinking* “Ava… Do you mean Ave Maria?”

Coworker: “Yeah, that’s it! Is that a solo singer? Or a group?”

Me: “It’s… a song… about Mary… from Christianity? Catholicism, in particular, I think.”

Coworker: “Oh… okay… I’ve never heard of it!”

(I’m not religious, but I’ve heard of it! Since I was a kid! It’s played all the time around the holidays. Her voice the whole time — and always, for that matter — was bubbly and cheerful. She had no clue that I was gob-smacked that she had no idea whatsoever what “Ave Maria” was. Jesus Christ… No pun intended.)

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Unfiltered Story #160178

, | Unfiltered | August 21, 2019

[I’m sitting at the front desk, working on things on the computer, when a resident comes up to the desk.]
Resident: Is this Saturday’s schedule? *holds up the schedule he just picked up from the holder*
Me: …yes…*looking at the schedule that says SATURDAY in huge bold print and resisting the urge to smash my head into my keyboard*

Regular Attendee At The Church Of Irony

, , , , , | Related | August 9, 2019

(Several years ago, for Christmas, I found an old letter to Santa where I asked for my gifts to be given to people in more need than me. Moved, and knowing my family are all big givers at Christmas, whenever they ask what I want I tell them about the letter and ask them to donate to charity in my name. One night, my father-in-law drives me home after my wife leaves our family workplace early in our car, and this exchange occurs.)

Father-In-Law: “You know, [My Name], I’m glad we got this chance. I wanted to talk to you about Christmas. You know, your mother-in-law likes giving gifts at Christmas, and she is upset that you won’t tell her what you want.”

Me: “I’ve told all of you I’d like you to donate to a charity in my name.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, don’t expect that from us. She feels she has to buy everyone a gift.” *adds with a laugh* “And I just don’t believe in charity.”

(Flash forward to this Thanksgiving. He and my mother-in-law are now going through a divorce which he unilaterally announced last Thanksgiving. In order to fit in an additional dinner to our schedule, and to save us the time and money for making a Thanksgiving dinner for just him, my wife and I invite him to our church’s Thanksgiving dinner. He behaves himself well enough, but on the way home, we have this conversation:)

Father-In-Law: “It’s good for you all that you have your little community, but I don’t think I’d go again. The price you pay is too high.”

Me: *thinking, the meal was free* “What price?”

Father-In-Law: “I guess the price you people charge for that meal is making us listen to those stories about God.”

Wife: “Yes, it’s Thanksgiving, Dad. We like to share with each other what we are thankful for. We used to do that.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, I don’t think it’s right that you all feel like you have to get together in a certain place with the same people. I talk to ‘The Man Upstairs,’ as I like to call him, and he tells me that I don’t have to go to a building to communicate with him.”

Wife: “Yes, that’s true, but he does tell us not to forsake gathering together.”

Father-In-Law: “But why is that?”

Wife: “Because, like parts of a body, we rely on each other for help doing things we may not be able to do ourselves.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, that may be true, but you don’t need a church to do that. You can take care of other people just any way you want. What I think is that the church is made up of people who say they want to help each other, but in the end, it’s just the preachers that take what people give for themselves. I’d rather not deal with that. No, I’m happy to rely on myself and not darken the door of a church.”

(Flash forward to the present. My father-in-law is looking into a retirement home, and we are along to tour the facilities.)

Tour Guide: “This is our extended studio apartment option. For your budget and living situation, it’s the largest living space we’d consider.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, I don’t know about living in some studio for the price you’re charging. Don’t you have houses?”

Tour Guide: “We have one house on the property, but it is currently occupied and is usually reserved for couples.”

Father-In-Law: “Doesn’t your location in [Large Suburb of Nearby Major City] have mostly houses?”

Tour Guide: “I’m not sure. We’re a separate company. One man founded several long-term care facilities throughout the country and named them all after his favorite theologian.”

Father-In-Law: “Well, it’s funny that you do this as a business, then! Why, back in those days, people of the church would take care of the elderly as a charity!”

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Unfiltered Story #159109

, , | Unfiltered | July 26, 2019

I work the front desk at a retirement facility. We normally serve dinner from 4-7 but because of a possible hurricane we’ve moved it up to 1-4 so the staff can leave earlier. Most of the residents are understanding of this change, but some are not so understanding…
Resident: Why did they move dinner?
Me: Because of the storm
Resident: But they didn’t let us know!
Me: We posted notices on everyone’s door, it’s posted on the daily schedule board, there was a public meeting about all the schedule changes, and the dining staff have been telling everyone who passes by. We have done everything we can to let everyone know.
(I pull out a copy of the notice and show her precisely where it explains the change of dinner time)
Resident: But not everyone knows! We had a 3:30 appointment and the other ladies I sit with might not know!
Me: If you’re not meeting until 3:30 you’ll still be able to go into the dining room
Resident: But they don’t know! you should call them and tell them!
Me: Ma’am, the dining room will still be open at 3:30
Resident: (looks at notice again) But they’re open until 4 so we can still go in, so we’ll be ok, right?
Me: (facepalm)

Unfiltered Story #158363

, , | Unfiltered | July 21, 2019

Overheard working in a nursing home. Resident talking with visiting family member and sitting on large, cushy, wing back chairs by the door meant for visiting.

Resident: Lets go back to my room, I don’t like these chairs. I don’t think they are comfortable.

Family Member: Well if they know you don’t like them, they should get new ones!

Note that this area is a common area and not a private area for this particular resident.