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Pay Your Designers Or They Will Get Creative

, , , , , | Right | January 10, 2023

A client approaches me to design an ad they want to put online for their business. They know absolutely nothing about technology, computers, and just enough about the internet to create a storefront. As a result, I go above and beyond to help explain things to them, taking a lot longer than I would with other clients, but I like to do good by them, so it wasn’t a problem.

We design the advertisement as requested, and I send it out on their social media networks and other avenues.

I send an invoice for my fee and I wait. And wait. And wait some more.

Me: *Contacting them.* “Hi, just a reminder that my invoice is a few weeks overdue. When can I expect payment?”

Client: “You’ll be paid when the ad performs well enough?”

Me: “What do you mean? I can see from my metrics that your ad-reach is quite high.”

Client: “But sales aren’t up enough!”

Me: “Be that as it may, you asked me to design an ad to your specifications, and I did. I need to be paid.”

Client: “So rude! You’ll be paid when you’ve earned it!”

The client then hung up, and didn’t answer my calls, or emails, and blocked me on social media connections.

The amount wasn’t enough to try the legal option, even a small-claims court, as the fees alone would be more than I was due.

However, later on I did realize I still had access to the ads I had designed, and it was a simple matter to make a few slight changes.

The next day I get a call from the client.

Client: “You f****** a**hole! You changed the ad!”

Me: “You don’t have an ad, since you didn’t pay for one. I’m just using the ad-space I already paid for for my own ads.”

Client: “Your ads are saying I don’t pay my employees and I am a fraud!”

Me: “Well… you didn’t pay me, so…”

Client: “Take it down!”

Me: “Pay me.”

Client: “Take it down and I will pay you!”

Me: “No. Payment first, then I’ll take it down.”

Client: “I can’t pay you right now!”

Me: “The ad stays up until I am paid.”

The client screams and hangs up. The next day:

Client: “Take it down! You changed the ad again! All my customers think everything is 50% off!”

Me: “Oh, is that what I put in the ad? I forget.”

Client: “This is defamation! I could sue you for lying about my business!”

Me: “Maybe, but I also have the matter of an unpaid bill from you, as written in our contract.”

Client: “Defamation has a larger fine than an unpaid bill!”

Me: “Yes, but you know what has the smallest bill of them all? My invoice.”

Client: “Take it down!”

Me: “Also, if you can’t scrounge together the money to pay my invoice (less than $100) then how can you pay for a lawyer?”

Client: “Take it down and I will pay you tomorrow!”

Me: “Tomorrow the ad might say something about how your company is out of business and to encourage all your customers to visit [competitor] instead.”

I was paid within the hour.

Just Call Me Magnum

, , , | Working | June 30, 2022

I love Hawaiian shirts, including in the workplace. I perform better when I feel myself, but I always ask my employers what is acceptable workwear and read the dress code. My current job is zero hours and terrible shift patterns. I’m offered a nine-to-five, permanent job and jump at the chance. It’s much easier, too.

I explain to my new line manager that I intend to wear Hawaiian shirts if that is acceptable. He says he’s fine with it, and there is no dress code; I’m not dealing with the public, anyway.

My duties start… at a huge police station. I work hard, I’m on time, and I’m learning quickly. A hundred and fifty police officers come through my office every day.

On day one, I’m eating lunch in the canteen, and a bigwig sits down at the next table.

Police Officer: “Good afternoon, sir.”

Bigwig: “Hi, [Officer].”

I turn round and see epaulettes I don’t recognise yet.

Me: “Hi, I’m [My Name], new start today in [Office]. Can I ask what the epaulette means?”

Bigwig: “Welcome to this force, [My Name]. These epaulettes mean Superintendent. I am Superintendent [Bigwig], officer in charge of this station. How is your first day?”

Me: “Thank you, it’s going fine. What do police staff call you? Is my shirt okay?”

Bigwig: “Call me [First Name]. I love the shirt; you only deal with internal staff.”

Me: “Can I quote you on that?”

Bigwig: “Yes. If you receive any complaints, send them to me and I will explain to them what is acceptable dress in my station.”

If the officer in charge is happy and I’m getting my duties done, it must be absolutely fine, right? I am now required to replenish printer paper in several rooms, including for senior management. Friday of my first week, I enter the Command Suite, but I can’t find where I need to be. I see two people in uniform talking in the corridor

Me: “Excuse me, can you direct me to the photocopier on this level?”

The sergeant (one rank above officer) looks at my shirt in disbelief and pauses for five seconds.

Sergeant: “Who are you?”

Me: “My name is [My Name].”

Sergeant: “Would you mind showing me your pass?”

My staff ID is on a lanyard round my neck, as is expected. I hold it up.

Me: “Here you go.”

She studies it for another five seconds. It says something like, “[My Name], Junior Administrator, Appointed [this year].”

Sergeant: “What do you do, exactly?”

Me: “I work in [Office]. I started on Tuesday, and my duties include maintaining the printer paper for the senior officers here in Command.”

Sergeant: “Who told you you could wear this?”

Me: “Superintendent [Bigwig], station officer in charge.”

Sergeant: “Through that door, on the left.”

Unsurprisingly, in a few weeks, my outrageous shirts spread my name like wildfire to the 2,000 police officers in the city, dozens of whom cross my desk every day. Forget my department name or job title. Student cops are told, to get [task], email [My Name] or ask for “the Hawaiian shirt at [Station].” No one else has since queried what I wear.

Just Plane Crazy

, , , , , | Related Right | June 29, 2022

My aunt has lived for several months in Asia and then decided to move back to the USA. The plane was scheduled to leave at 10 am. She left her house for the airport, which without traffic was over forty minutes away… at 9:40 AM.

She was completely shocked and bewildered that the plane… DIDN’T WAIT FOR HER!

When she told us this and was confused by the fact that we had no sympathy for her, she said “Well, they should have realized from the manifest that we weren’t there yet!”

We all just laughed at her.