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Very Good At Being Bad

, | Related | February 4, 2014

(Two boys, around the age of four, are shopping with their mother.)

Little Boy #1: “Mom?”

Mother: “Hmm?”

Little Boy #1: “Are we being good?”

Mother: “Yes, you are, boys.”

(She rounds the corner with her shopping cart, so she is briefly out of earshot.)

Little Boy #2: “So did you tell her about the—”

Little Boy #1: “Shut up!”

(They catch up with their mother and are perfectly behaved the rest of the visit.)

Overtime Crime

, | Working | October 21, 2013

(I am in my first full-time job after just graduating. I’m taken advantage of a lot, but I’m new so I just put up with it. My friend and I have been working 18+ hour work days, plus weekends, for the past two weeks to design a book for an important client. My friend is hired for temporary help while I’m their only employee. My boss doesn’t know how to use a computer, so we’re left to do absolutely everything. They also live in the same building as the office so they can just take an elevator to go home while my friend and I have to commute. It’s about 2 am; the bosses have been out of the office for about an hour, possibly eating, taking a shower, or sleeping while we’re working. It’s the day we need to send the file to the printer to get the book done.)

Me: “This is so incredibly unfair.”

Friend: “Yeah, your bosses are unbelievable. You need to find a new job.”

(We finish up the project and the file is being uploaded to the printer’s server at 3:30 am. My bosses are chipper and trap us in a really pointless long conversation while my friend and I just want to sleep. I eventually have to cut the conversation short.)

Me: “Okay, well, [Friend] and I need some sleep. Good night.”

Boss: “Okay, thanks for the hard work. We have to catch up on all of our other projects, so could you come in at 10 am?”

Me: “I guess I’ll manage with five hours of sleep. Sure…”

Friend: *whispers* “Are they serious?”

Me: “FML…”

(My boss comes running once I get to my car.)

Boss: “There’s an error with the upload.”

Me: “Like what? If it timed out, you can just upload it one more time.”

Boss: “Oh, I don’t know how to do that. Can you come back and fix it?”

Me: *sighs* “Yeah, okay.”

(My friend and I fix the error, everything uploads correctly and all that is left is to buy a copy of the book. It’s 5 am. We’re driving home and I’m 10 minutes away from my house when I get a call.)

Friend: “Who is it?”

Me: “F***! It’s my boss…”

Friend: “Don’t answer it.”

Me: “Oh d*** it; I have to.”

(I put it to speaker phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Boss: “Hi [My Name].”

Me: “Hi. Is something wrong?”

Boss: “Um well, we don’t know how to order the book…”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Have you ever bought anything online?”

Boss: “Yeah.”

Me: “…do the same thing.”

Boss: “But this is so confusing!”

Friend: *whispers* “Are you kidding me?”

Me: “Okay, are you on the page to order the book?”

(I give a step-by-step detailed walkthrough of how to order the book, including telling them that they need to enter their credit card number in the field that says, ‘credit card number.’ I get home and I’m still on the phone.)

Boss: “Okay, everything looks good! Thanks for taking the time to work on this and being flexible. And thank [Friend] too for your guys’ determination and dedication. We really appreciate it and…”

(They go on forever.)

Me: “Yeah, no problem. I need to sleep.”

Boss: “Oh right, well, [Partner] and I decided that we should take the day off tomorrow. You must be pretty exhausted from all the work.”

(My boss laughs. I clench my fist and cut the conversation short.)

Me: “Yeah, thanks. I’ll see you guys Friday. Good night.”

Friend: “Thank god for overtime.”

Me: “I don’t get paid for overtime…”

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Getting Them Who-oked

, | Learning | July 10, 2013

Teacher: “Draw a picture of a spaceship.”

(Ten minutes later, the teacher walks around the classroom. The majority of students have drawn round flying saucers or Star Wars-type spaceships. However, one student has drawn a refrigerator.)

Teacher: “A refrigerator? That’s most certainly not a spaceship!”

Student: “Well, if the TARDIS, which is both a spaceship and time machine, looks like a police box, why can’t a spaceship look like a refrigerator?”

Teacher: *confused*

(This teacher didn’t know about Doctor Who but after this incident she got hooked. Same as some of the other students!)

A Badly Drawn Request

, , , , , | Right | May 28, 2013

(I work at a theme park as a caricature artist.)

Customer: “Hey, if I get one of these done can you make me skinny?”

Me: “Well, it’s a caricature, so you can have an exaggerated bikini body or something if you like?”

Customer: “Oh, good! Can you make my teeth look better, too?”

(I can see the customer has a gap in her teeth.)

Me: “Well, if you’re sensitive about something like that you could always give me a closed mouth smile.”

Customer: “And could you make me blonde? And maybe a smaller nose?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure you’d want a picture if I altered it that much.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because… it wouldn’t look like you!”

Let The Children Twilight The Way

, | Learning | May 17, 2013

(I’m teaching art lessons to a group of kids ages six to eight. I am trying to convince a girl to paint a shadow on her painting of a puppy.)

Me: “If the puppy is outside on a sunny day, you would see his shadow on the ground. We all have shadows. You have a shadow. I have a shadow. I guess the only way he wouldn’t have a shadow is if the puppy was a vampire.”

Little Girl: *rolls eyes* “Uh, Ms. [my name], if the puppy was a vampire he would have a shadow. He wouldn’t have a reflection.”

(I admit it; I was completely owned by an eight-year-old girl!)