Me: “I’ll be making your 8′ by 8′ banner. Do you have any original files for the logos you sent over? JPEG images will look blurry when scaled larger.”

Client: “I sent over the logos!”

Me: “Yes, those are JPEG images; when they’re scaled, they become pixilated. What I need is the original vector format. The original designer might be able to help.”

Client: “I’m the original designer and I made those in JPEG!”

Me: “JPEG is the image format. I need the original format, like the Illustrator file.”

Client: “I did my research. You can just take a JPEG image and put it into Illustrator, and it becomes the original file.”

Me: “It’s… not the original vector format. What did you make these logos in?”

Client: “I made them in JPEG!”

Me: “No, I mean what tool did you use to create these images?”

Client: “Oh, MS Paint!”

My client is a residential and commercial painter with years of experience but no marketing history. In order to create a website for him, I give him a “homework” list of details to compile so that I can compose his bio, also include pictures of his previous works, areas of service and expertise, etc.

Two weeks go by and I email asking about his progress. Another week passes and he finally replies simply stating:

Client: “Here’s a link to my competitor. Just use what he has.”

Client: “We definitely like the design, but we were wondering if you could provide us with a second version.”

Me: “Sure. What were you thinking?”

Client: “Take the same design you have now, but put the call to action in a speech bubble, as if it was coming from the talent. But! Make sure that the speech bubble looks real.”

Me: “You want to call to action in a speech bubble, but you want the speech bubble to look real?”

Client: “Yeah, a real-looking speech bubble. Not like the ones you see in a comic book or anything like that — a realistic speech bubble.”

Me: “A realistic-looking speech bubble? I’m not sure what that would look like.”

Client: “Like a real speech bubble!”

Me: “Like this one floating over my head?”

Client: “What? There’s nothing there…”

Me: “Because speech bubbles aren’t real.”

This story is part of our ‘Clients From Hell’ roundup!

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I took an art class as an elective in college. We could work on our paintings as long as we wanted, as long as we locked the door when we left. Let the record show that I was not an art major and was actually not that proficient, but I enjoyed it.

One evening, everyone had gone home and I was locking up. I was out in the hall when I was accosted by a student I had never seen before.

She was a dental hygiene student and was looking for someone to illustrate a report she was writing. I was literally the only person around, so she apparently meant me. She thought I could draw caricatures featuring teeth — like a canine tooth in the form of a dog and things of that nature.

Me: “The doors are locked and I’m going home. Plus, I’m a painter and I can’t draw. And I’m a very bad painter.”

Student: “But… I’ll pay you a dollar!”

I designed, programmed, and uploaded a shop site for a client. In addition, I edited all her image files, edited her text, created animations, searched stock images, and put up with her midnight idea changes. All of this was done at a discount because she was a family friend.

Then, for six months after the site was complete and uploaded, I tried to collect payment. She ignored my attempts. So I removed the main page. She finally responded to the last invoice I sent.

Client: “Why did you remove my site?”

Me: “Because you have ignored my past attempts of contacting you for payment for my work.”

Client: “Oh, well… about that. I didn’t think I should pay you for this site.”

Me: “Why?”

Client: “Well, after about a week, I didn’t receive any customers or traffic to the site. I don’t think you did your job very well if it can’t instantly grab the attention of the public and bring them to my site.”

Me: “Then why do you still want the site?”

She ended up paying me to get the site put back up.