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Hungering For A Change

| Working | May 12, 2014

(I’m emailing a client about edits to a letter I’ve typeset for her.)

Client: “Take out the whole sentence ‘May you use it in good health.'”

Me: “How about changing it to ‘And may the odds be ever in your favor!’?”

Client: *facepalm*

Barbed Barbie Comments

| Friendly | February 18, 2014

(I am about seven years old and not a very social child. I have passed all of my tasks except for a ‘sewing meet’ that all of the girls are required to attend. The project is Barbie clothes.)

Me: *picks up blue cloth to sew a skirt*

Girl: “Ew! Why would you pick such a boyish color? Your Barbie is going to look so ugly in that! Girls should wear pink or purple! Blue is for boys!”

Me: *looks at the pink mini-skirt the girl is sewing* “Better my Barbie looks like a boy than a slut like yours.”

(My mother couldn’t stop laughing. While I passed, I wasn’t invited back to the sewing meet.)

Very Good At Being Bad

, | Related | February 4, 2014

(Two boys, around the age of four, are shopping with their mother.)

Little Boy #1: “Mom?”

Mother: “Hmm?”

Little Boy #1: “Are we being good?”

Mother: “Yes, you are, boys.”

(She rounds the corner with her shopping cart, so she is briefly out of earshot.)

Little Boy #2: “So did you tell her about the—”

Little Boy #1: “Shut up!”

(They catch up with their mother and are perfectly behaved the rest of the visit.)

Overtime Crime

, | Working | October 21, 2013

(I am in my first full-time job after just graduating. I’m taken advantage of a lot, but I’m new so I just put up with it. My friend and I have been working 18+ hour work days, plus weekends, for the past two weeks to design a book for an important client. My friend is hired for temporary help while I’m their only employee. My boss doesn’t know how to use a computer, so we’re left to do absolutely everything. They also live in the same building as the office so they can just take an elevator to go home while my friend and I have to commute. It’s about 2 am; the bosses have been out of the office for about an hour, possibly eating, taking a shower, or sleeping while we’re working. It’s the day we need to send the file to the printer to get the book done.)

Me: “This is so incredibly unfair.”

Friend: “Yeah, your bosses are unbelievable. You need to find a new job.”

(We finish up the project and the file is being uploaded to the printer’s server at 3:30 am. My bosses are chipper and trap us in a really pointless long conversation while my friend and I just want to sleep. I eventually have to cut the conversation short.)

Me: “Okay, well, [Friend] and I need some sleep. Good night.”

Boss: “Okay, thanks for the hard work. We have to catch up on all of our other projects, so could you come in at 10 am?”

Me: “I guess I’ll manage with five hours of sleep. Sure…”

Friend: *whispers* “Are they serious?”

Me: “FML…”

(My boss comes running once I get to my car.)

Boss: “There’s an error with the upload.”

Me: “Like what? If it timed out, you can just upload it one more time.”

Boss: “Oh, I don’t know how to do that. Can you come back and fix it?”

Me: *sighs* “Yeah, okay.”

(My friend and I fix the error, everything uploads correctly and all that is left is to buy a copy of the book. It’s 5 am. We’re driving home and I’m 10 minutes away from my house when I get a call.)

Friend: “Who is it?”

Me: “F***! It’s my boss…”

Friend: “Don’t answer it.”

Me: “Oh d*** it; I have to.”

(I put it to speaker phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Boss: “Hi [My Name].”

Me: “Hi. Is something wrong?”

Boss: “Um well, we don’t know how to order the book…”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Have you ever bought anything online?”

Boss: “Yeah.”

Me: “…do the same thing.”

Boss: “But this is so confusing!”

Friend: *whispers* “Are you kidding me?”

Me: “Okay, are you on the page to order the book?”

(I give a step-by-step detailed walkthrough of how to order the book, including telling them that they need to enter their credit card number in the field that says, ‘credit card number.’ I get home and I’m still on the phone.)

Boss: “Okay, everything looks good! Thanks for taking the time to work on this and being flexible. And thank [Friend] too for your guys’ determination and dedication. We really appreciate it and…”

(They go on forever.)

Me: “Yeah, no problem. I need to sleep.”

Boss: “Oh right, well, [Partner] and I decided that we should take the day off tomorrow. You must be pretty exhausted from all the work.”

(My boss laughs. I clench my fist and cut the conversation short.)

Me: “Yeah, thanks. I’ll see you guys Friday. Good night.”

Friend: “Thank god for overtime.”

Me: “I don’t get paid for overtime…”

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Getting Them Who-oked

, | Learning | July 10, 2013

Teacher: “Draw a picture of a spaceship.”

(Ten minutes later, the teacher walks around the classroom. The majority of students have drawn round flying saucers or Star Wars-type spaceships. However, one student has drawn a refrigerator.)

Teacher: “A refrigerator? That’s most certainly not a spaceship!”

Student: “Well, if the TARDIS, which is both a spaceship and time machine, looks like a police box, why can’t a spaceship look like a refrigerator?”

Teacher: *confused*

(This teacher didn’t know about Doctor Who but after this incident she got hooked. Same as some of the other students!)