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Sic The Mûmakil On Them

, , , | Right | November 9, 2022

I have this exchange with a client in March.

Client: “I want you to make me an animated cartoon of a mermaid in a toilet, but I want you to put our live-action actor’s face on the mermaid.”

Me: “You know, I’m a Flash animator, and it really sounds like what you want is a 3D animation. I know some people—”

Client: “No, no, that’s way outside my budget.”

So, I spend five weeks working exclusively on the designs and animation for this guy’s film, all the while receiving positive feedback and constructive criticism. At the beginning of April, I proudly turn in the final product.

I contact the client again in May.

Me: “Hey, I’ve been trying to contact you for the last six weeks to collect the payment for the work I did a couple of months ago.”

Client: “Yeah, about that… It turns out that your stuff was a little too ‘cartoony’ for us. We got someone else to do it so that it looked ‘real’ — you know, like The Lord Of The Rings.”

Me: “You mean… in 3D.”

Client: “Yeah, that’s right! So, I’m glad you understand why we can’t pay you, since we used that money to pay this company that did a much better job.”

Me: “Hey, you can’t just—”

Client: *Click*

De Ting Is To Outsmart The Client

, , , | Right | November 5, 2022

Client: “I don’t like that blue. Make it a bit lighter. Just a small bit!”

I send the (unchanged) file back to her.

Client: “Hmm… Okay, that’s too light. Make it a bit darker.”

I send the same file, again unchanged.

Client: “Okay, just add a hint of brightness, and we’re done!”

Again, I send the same file, unchanged. 

Client: “Perfect! Has anyone told you that you are amazing at what you do?”

I Want It Blue On ALL Of De Tings
The Book Is Blue And It’s Blue On De Ting
Maybe He Is Looking For De Ting, And De Ting Is Blue?
Needs More Blue On De Ting

Carefully Cataloguing All The Ways You’re Doing It Wrong

, , , , , | Right | November 4, 2022

As a graphic designer, I created an online catalogue for a client who wanted to give their retailers the opportunity to post it on their own web pages, including the respective retailers’ own logos, addresses, etc.

The retailers who were interested in this setup were told to send their logos and information to me, and I would fit it into the catalogue.

This was going perfectly fine until I got a call from one of the retailers.

Retailer: “We need your address so we can send you our logo.”

Me: *Kindly* “Actually, the fastest way to get your logo through is by sending it via email. You can send it to [email address].”

They insist on sending it by mail.

After a little back and forth, I give up and give them the mailing address. A week later, I get an envelope. I’m expecting a USB drive, but instead, there’s just a piece of the retailer’s stationery, which has their logo on it. I call them.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I need a digital copy of the logo that’s on your stationery.”

They seem to understand what I’m asking for.

Retailer: “Okay, I’ll send it to your email shortly.”

Five minutes later, I got an email with an attached photo of the stationery.

Black T-Shirts And Slacks It Is!

, , , , , | Right | November 1, 2022

Client: “We need uniforms designed and made for our new hotel: reception, maid, bellboy, barman, cook, and waiters. Fifty employees, three uniforms per person.”

Me: “We can absolutely do that. When is your deadline?”

Client: “We open on Thursday, so we need everybody dressed and ready to go by then.”

Me:This Thursday?”

Client: “Yes! Can you do it?”

Me: “Nooooooooooooooooooope.”

If You Want To Use My “Free Time”, It Won’t Be FREE

, , , , | Right | October 31, 2022

Client: “We need a new menu designed for our restaurant.”

Me: “We can do that. We will make a proposal and send it to you next week.”

Client: “Maybe you can work on it during your free time to get it done faster.”

Me: “Oh, h*** no.”