The Super Bowl LVIII is being televised, and I am enjoying it on my Sunday with some friends, joking about Taylor Swift, and getting caught up in the tight win. Go Kansas City Chiefs!

During the game, I get a Slack message forwarded to my phone from one of my clients from my graphic design work. The client knows I work a standard Monday-to-Friday, nine-to-five, so I ignore it and enjoy the rest of my Sunday.

On Monday morning, I turn on my computer to find a barrage of emails from the client, getting angrier and angrier. I decide it might be best to resolve this more quickly and just call the client.

Me: “Hello, [Client], this is [My Name]. I wanted to—”

Client: “Finally, he responds! I have an emergency here, and you’ve been AWOL! This is not the level of service I expect and—”

Me: “[Client], it’s 8:09 am on a Monday morning. I have spent the last nine minutes going through your emails, and I’m calling you right back.”

Client: “I emailed you yesterday!”

Me: “Yesterday was Sunday. I do not work on Sundays. I was enjoying the Super Bowl.”

Client: “Excuses! I have an emergency! You need to fix it!”

Me: “You didn’t specify in the emails what the emergency was; you just kept saying it was urgent and then called me names for not responding. What’s the emergency?”

Client: “The logo on my website! It’s the wrong kind of green!”

Me: “It’s been that same tone of green for years, ever since we first designed it for you.”

Client: “Yes, but now I need it to be a different green! It’s giving off the wrong energy according to the color experts on TikTok.”

Me: “I… see? What kind of green did you want to change it to?”

The client emails me a photo of a celebrity wearing a green scarf. It takes me all of a few minutes to source the exact type of green and update the logo. I tell the client to refresh the site.

Me: “Is that better?”

Client: “Yes. I don’t know why you couldn’t have done this yesterday!”

Me: “It was the Super Bowl!”

Client: “And the Super Bowl is more important than my logo?”

Me: “You want me to answer that honestly?”

Client: “I’m not too sure about the blue…”

Me: “Actually, that’s green.”

Client: “Who’s the client?”

Me: “You.”

Client: “And what color is it?”

Me: “…blue?”

Client: “Right. Now, let me see what other shades of blue we have.”

We settled on pine tree “blue”.

In my neighborhood, there are many little low-budget churches on corners, mixed among the houses.

I’m very friendly on my walks. I am talking to a nice woman who turns out to be the new pastor of a little church.

Pastor: “I’m trying to bring some life to the place. It would be really nice to have a mural on this wall.”

Me: “Oh! I actually am a muralist. What a coincidence!”

Pastor: “Wow! Do you have time to work with us? I’d love to see your art style, though I’m sure it’s God’s work that I met you today.”

Me: “I did just finish a job. I can do a one-hour consultation for free, and we can discuss your vision. What’s the church budget for this.”

Pastor: “Can’t you feel God’s hands in this? He wants you to paint this. You would be a valued part of the church community and would feel pride in your work.”

Me: “Yes, of course, I see what you mean. How serious were you about hiring a muralist before we spoke? If you still need to determine your budget, we can talk again later. I live a couple blocks away, so you’ll see me again.”

Pastor: “This would be your donation to the church.”

Me: “I don’t have time to work for free; I have bills to pay.”

She was suddenly angry, but years later, I don’t remember what she said or how I exited the conversation. I may have told her that I’m not Christian.

The place never did get a mural. Recently, I walked by and noticed it doesn’t have a cross or a name anymore, so I guess not enough people wanted to donate to keep it afloat.

My name is Jose, and I live in California. I received an email from a potential client.

Client: “I am interested in one of your illustrations. I have a budget of 30 USD.”

Me: “I am truly sorry, sir, but that budget isn’t adequate for my illustration services.”

Client: “I don’t think you understood. That’s 30 dollars American, not pesos, amigo. I need that illustration done by tomorrow — in other words… pronto. Can you do it?”

Me: “Wow.”

Client: “Yeah, now you get it. That should pay for a whole month of cerveza and tacos.”

Related:
Totally Estúpido! Part 30
Totally Estúpido! Part 29
Totally Estúpido! Part 28
Totally Estúpido! Part 27
Totally Estúpido! Part 26

A client wanted me to illustrate their children’s book. I had a vague idea of what they wanted but wanted clarification.

Me: “What kind of style do you want for the illustrations?”

Client: “LOL! What do you mean, ‘what style’? Just illustrate it!”

My guess was that they wanted something like American cartoons, but in terms of narrowing things down, that got us from “ocean” to “huge pond”.

I never got the direction I needed and eventually dropped the project.

My advice to clients looking for illustrations: we can’t read your minds. You need to be specific when conveying your vision to us.