Marketing people in Germany like to use the English language to give products or events an appearance of internationalism and modernity — even if their own language skills are somewhat lacking. A new client asked me to create promotional material for a project.

Client: “This will be for a camping trip on which the participants will meditate, focus on their inner strength, etc. I’d like to call it ‘Concentration Camp’ in English.”

After I recovered, I was able to tell her what that actually means. She saw the necessity of coming up with something different.

I do picture framing. A woman brings in a canvas painting of some flowers to get framed, and when it’s all done:

Client: “You cut the tips of the petals off the flowers!”

Me: “I can assure you that we didn’t do anything to the painting, ma’am.”

Client: “No! I remember there being tips to the petals!

I take the whole thing apart, show her where the unpainted raw edges of the canvas are, and spend some time trying to explain to her that the tips of the flowers never existed because the artist never painted them, and therefore we couldn’t possibly have cut them off.

Client: “Well then, put it on a bigger frame so that I can see the tips again!”

Instead of arguing, I just stretched it on a frame that was a quarter-inch bigger all around so the edges of the painting could be seen, and that seemed to make her happy.

Client: “I studied design, so basically, I know what I want.”

Me: “Sure. Now, what do you want, exactly?”

Client: “You’re the designer, so you come up with the idea, but for your sake, it had better match up with my idea.”

Me: *Astonished silence* 

Client: “I want a great corporate logo that looks like a Fortune 500 company’s logo.”

Me: “Okay, I can do that. I bill at [amount] an hour.”

Client: “Well, I guess just don’t spend more than a few minutes on it.”

Client: “Hey, we want to put an ad in this newspaper. Can you send me a mockup right now as fast as you possibly can?”

Me: “I’ll do my best. What size?”

Client: “Just like… a quarter page.”

Me: “Quarter of what? Page sizes vary by publication.”

Client: “Just make something, and the printer will tell you to make it bigger or smaller.”

Me: “It would save a lot of redundant work and cost if I could just do it correctly in the first place. What copy or content do you have for me to work with?”

Client: “We’re still in talks. Just send me something to look at ASAP. We are waiting at the printers. He’s really ticked at us, so I would hurry.”