I’m a freelance makeup artist.

Client: “I’ve been lurking on your work for months now, and it’s beautiful. I have finally decided you are the person I’d like to do my wedding makeup. The date is [date].”

Me: “Thank you so much for the compliment, but unfortunately, I’m already booked on that date. My apologies.”

Client: “But I’ve been lurking your work for months!”

Me: “Yes, but you can’t book a date that way. I need clients to make formal bookings to secure my time.”

Client: “Can’t you just cancel the other booking?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no, I couldn’t do that to a customer who has secured my time and paid my booking fee well in advance.”

Client: “Your customer service is appalling.”

My friend was some unfortunate designer’s client a while back.

Client: “Hey, I just downloaded Photoshop. How do I save jpegs as .eps in good quality? We need to get our company clothes printed ASAP, and the printer doesn’t accept jpegs.”

Me: “Don’t you have your logo in vector format?”

Client: “The old one’s vectorized, but we only have small jpegs of the new one. Also, I made some adjustments. Photoshop lets me save it as .eps, but it looks kind of bad.”

Me: “You can’t do that. Why not contact the agency that made the logo?”

Client: “That was a few months ago, and we haven’t exactly paid them yet.”

A client assured me the stain she picked out for her deck was what she wanted. Just to be sure, I did a test in a non-viewable area. 

Client: “This looks horrible! This isn’t what I wanted! This is not what I chose; it makes the deck look burnt!”

The name of the stain she chose was “Cinder”.

One of my most frustrating clients owns a security company. I was designing ID badges for him, and we were having a back-and-forth on the final touches.

Client: “It looks great, but can we increase the green in the eagle logo by 3%?”

Me: “But the eagle is gray. All of this is in grayscale.”

Client: “So? Just increase the amount of green.”

Not sure how to respond, I sent the same version under a different name.

Client: “See what I mean? Much better! Print ‘em!”

Me: “Here is a proof of that ten-inch-by-ten-inch sticker.”

Client: “Is that ten inches wide, ten inches high, and/or ten inches deep?”

Me: “For a sticker?”

Client: “Yeah.”

Me: “Width by height.”

Client: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Positive.”