Customer: “Hey, I want this tattoo on my arm.” *holds out a piece of paper*

Me: “Okay, let me see…” *looks at the paper* “Are you sure this is right?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure. It’s hardcore. You know, HC!”

Me: “Yeah, but I’m not sure if this is right.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s right. You’re old, so you won’t get it!”

Me: “Okay, so let me get this straight: you want this exact tattoo on your arm?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “You want your tattoo to say this?” *shows him his paper*

Customer: “Yes!”

(I ask him several more times to be sure, but he insists it’s right so I give him his tattoo: “HAR CORE” with the “D” conspicuously absent. After several days of showing how “hard core” he is to his friends, they convince him to come back and get it fixed; it now says “HC”.)

This story is part of our Tattoo roundup!

Read the next Tattoo roundup story!

Read the Tattoo roundup!

(I worked as a debt collector for a car rental agency.)

Debtor: *on the phone* “You sent me a court order about a debt. I can’t pay it. But, I can offer you some paintings I made.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, I cannot accept them. You have to pay cash or make a wire transfer.”

Debtor: “They’re good paintings; I have written confirmation by the Arts Department of the University of [City] that they’re good.”

Me: “If they’re that good, I recommend that you sell a few of the paintings. Then you’ll have money to pay your debt.”

Debtor: “I can’t do that! To sell a painting I’d have to ruin a marriage!”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand…”

Debtor: “Well, for a man to buy a painting off of me, I’d have to sleep with him. His wife would find out, and she’d divorce him.”

Me: “Ma’am… I think that you should check your relationship with reality. I am extending your deadline by one week; please pay cash or transfer.”

(End of call.)

Me: *to my coworker* “I can’t believe she just said that. I can’t believe I just said that.”

(I’m a graphic designer for a small sign shop. When the customer service rep leaves for lunch I’m stuck running the front desk for an hour. Since I mostly work in the back, I’m only trained on how to take orders and payments. On this fateful day the CSR was out sick and the owner had to step out for about ten minutes to run an errand. A man with a thick Russian accent steps into the shop.)

Customer: “I need these now.” *throws a book of zodiac signs down on the counter*

Me: “Okay… what is it you need?”

Customer: “These! These! I talk with your father earlier about this and I need now!”

Me: “Um… my dad doesn’t work here. Do you mean my boss?”

Customer: “Whatever. He said you have done today.”

Me:“Well sir, we are pretty busy right now and we don’t usually guarantee a sign in the same day. I could have it to you tomorrow at the earliest.”

Customer: “I need this, this and this. Now. He said he get them now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what you spoke to him about, but he will be back in a few minutes and you can speak with him personally about it.”

Customer: “I need now! He said he get them now! You go make them now!”

Me: “Tell me what you want and I will do my best to make them for you.”

Customer: “He knows. He’ll tell you. Go make them.”

Me: “I told you he is not here right now. If you want to leave the book here, I will talk to him about it and get the order together for you.”

Customer: “DO YOU HAVE LIFE?!”

Me: “Did you just ask if I have a life?”

Customer: “LIFE! LIFE! DO YOU HAVE IT?!”

Me: “Um… yeah. I have a life. It’s in the back of the shop. Please leave.”

Customer: *shouts something in Russian and storms out the door*

Coworker: “What the h*** was that all about?”

Me: “I really don’t know!”

(I work in the crafts department of a very large retail store. A customer walks over and hands me a small bottle of white craft paint.)

Customer: “Excuse me, is this white paint?”

Me: “…yes.”

Customer: “Oh. How can you tell what color it is?”

Me: “The bottle is see-through. The color you see on the bottle is the actual paint.”

Customer: “Oh, I see. I’m sorry. I’ve never done crafts before.”

Me: “That’s fine; I understand.”

Customer: “So, how do I use this? Is the brush inside the bottle?”

Me: “No… you have to buy the brush separately.”

Customer: “So it’s not in there?”

Me: “No. Paintbrushes are a lot bigger than that bottle.”

(I show her where the paintbrushes are and help her pick one out.)

Customer: “So… I just, like… brush the paint on what I want to paint?”

Me: “Yes, that’s the general idea.”

(I am just finishing up a sale with an older gentleman for show tickets.)

Me: “Okay, just to let you know, there are no refunds or exchanges for these tickets, and the show does contain shooting, swearing, and smoking.”

Customer: “I hope not in my row!”

Me: *confused* “Well, it’s a show… You can see everything from every seat… so–”

Customer: “I’m talking about the shooting!”

Me: “Oh! Well, no… they shoot each other on-stage…”

Customer: “Not the audience?”

Me: “Not the audience. What kind of theater do you think we’re running here?!”

Customer: “I don’t know… I just don’t want to get shot.”