Me: “Okay, your total is $123.42.”

Customer: “Did you remember to add my discount?”

Me: “What discount?”

Customer: “My five-finger discount.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My five-finger discount. My son comes in here all the time and says he gets a five-finger discount.”

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(A man brings in his father, who doesn’t speak a word of English.)

Customer: “Excuse me, how much are your rooms?”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have rooms here.”

Customer: “Oh, not your room, sorry. I mean, how much does it cost for you to take care of my father?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “He has some issues and, frankly, I don’t think I want him around anymore.”

Me: “Sir, this is not a hotel or a nursing home.”

Customer: “This isn’t Social Services?”

Me: “No, this is [non-profit] Social Services, and we don’t offer what you’re looking for.”

Customer: “Look, how much is it going to cost me to leave here today without my father with me?”

(I work in a toy store where customers can custom-build their own stuffed animals. A father and young daughter approach.)

Me: “Welcome to [Toy Store]. Have you picked out an animal to be stuffed today?”

Little Girl: “Yes!”

(We proceed to stuff the bear and the little girl grabs one of the ‘push to talk’ buttons and hands it to me.)

Me: “Okay, you want to get the ‘I love you’ button put in today?”

Father: “Hold on a second. Baby, what’s this thing?”

Little Girl: “He puts it in the bear for me and when you push it, it says ‘I love you’!”

Father: “How much does this thing cost?”

Me: “Five dollars, sir.”

Father: “S***! For five dollars, baby, I’ll tell you I love you! Go put that thing back.”

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