Jokes So Bad It Leaves You Light-Headed

, , , , | Romantic | July 9, 2017

(My husband is untraditional in his romantic gestures and it suits our whimsical natures quite well. One of the sweetest sentiments he has ever written to me is, “Every day… you surprise and delight me. Every. Single. Day.” One Saturday, we are both in moods and stressed and grumpy and sniping at each other all day. This evening, he sits heavily down on a dining room chair and sighs. I go over and sit on his lap and put my arms around him. We sit there hugging for a while and he finally says:)

Husband: “I remember this. I like this.”

Me: *in a dismayed tone* “I did not do anything to delight you today!”

(Before he can respond, I reach around him and turn off the dining room light.)

Me: “There, now you are de-lighted!”

(We ended up in a tangle on the floor because he was laughing so hard he fell off the chair.)

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The Fingers Aren’t The Only Things That Snapped

, , , , | Working | July 2, 2017

(Recently I gave the worst customer service I’ve ever given. Deliberately. I’m the Dairy Manager in a grocery store. I did work in dry grocery for around three years, and normally if a customer asks me a question about another department, I try to help them, or find someone that can. After stocking yogurt and sour cream, I’m heading into the back room with my empty cart when I hear a whistle. Not thinking anything of it, I keep walking. I hear the whistle again, followed by “HEY!” I turn around, and a customer is whistling at me like I’m a DOG and snapping his fingers at me.)

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “What’s the price on these hams?”

Me: “I have no idea. I’m the Dairy Manager.”

(Turned on my heel, went into the back room, ran into my boss, and told him what I’d done. He laughed. Cool boss.)

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They Asked Gingerly

, , , | Working | June 13, 2017

(I have recently taken in a stray cat from the woods to take care of as my own. Since he needs to be vaccinated, my mother calls the vet’s office to schedule an appointment. Near the end of the call, while they are getting his information down:)

Receptionist: “Okay, so you’re scheduling an appointment for Ginger, correct?”

Mom: “That’s right!”

Receptionist: “What color is he?”

(There is a brief moment of silence before my mother continues.)

Mom: “Um, rust-orange. He’s an orange tabby.”

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Has The Power To Fire Them

, , , , | Right | June 9, 2017

(Sometime the night before, an opossum got into the power box in our center and was electrocuted, causing power to go our building and others. We usually open at eight am. Our bosses texted the employees not to come in until nine am. When I came in at nine am there is an email from a customer saying he tried to call at eight am. I call him back immediately:)

Me: “Hello, I’m sorry you couldn’t get through this morning. We had a power outage.”

Customer: “Not answering the phone was unprofessional. You told me you would be there at eight am. I called; you didn’t answer.”

Me: “Yes, I understand. An opossum got into the power box, was electrocuted, and knocked out all the power.”

Customer: “Well, that was unprofessional of him!”

(Realizing the customer is not listening at all.)

Me: “You are completely correct. I assure the individual responsible was fired.”

(Or, should I say… fried)

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Honesty Is Not Always The Best Policy

, , , , | Right | November 25, 2010

Me: “Okay, your total is $123.42.”

Customer: “Did you remember to add my discount?”

Me: “What discount?”

Customer: “My five-finger discount.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My five-finger discount. My son comes in here all the time and says he gets a five-finger discount.”

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