That’s My Pun And I’m Sticking To It

, , , | Related | July 20, 2017

(When my family gets in the car, we hear a dragging sound on one side. My dad pulls over so I can check on it.)

Me: “There was a branch wedged in the wheel well. Don’t worry, I pulled it out.”

Sister: *looks me in the eye* “Stick shift.”

Dad: *loses it*

Getting Colder From The Truth

, , , , , | Learning | June 27, 2017

(This college is located at the base of a mountain. It even has a ski run on it. If you drive two hours south you are in Phoenix which is at a much lower elevation. The fellow student in this story is from San Diego and two years older than I am. I am a sophomore. It is mid-Autumn, and before smart phones.)

Me: “Brrr, it is cold; I am so tired of this wind. We should take a trip to Phoenix and warm up!”

Guy: “If you are cold why don’t you go to the top of the mountain and warm up there?”

Me: *confused* “You mean take a hike? I guess. I don’t really want to hike, though, and it would still be cold.”

Guy: “No, the top of the mountain is warmer because it is closer to the sun. If you drive to Phoenix you are going further away from it and it will just get colder.”

Me: “What? No, that isn’t how it works; you’re kidding, right? I mean, you do know it snows on top of mountains and stuff?”

Guy: “Well, yeah, but just because there is snow doesn’t mean it’s colder in top of the mountain.”

Me: “Okaaayyy, you do know about the equator and the tilt of the earth right? And atmosphere?”

Guy: “Duh, I had real science. I wasn’t home-schooled like you.”

Me: “…really? I’m not the one who thinks that a 12,000 foot mountain top is warmer than a city that’s barely a thousand feet above sea level because it’s ‘closer to the sun”!”

(The argument continued for a while. He never believed me.)

Brushing Aside The Truth

, , , , , | Related | June 14, 2017

(I’m not very good with children, and quite the science nerd. While visiting my sister, I have this interaction with my nephew, who is five years old.)

Nephew: “[My Name]?”

Me: “Yes?”

Nephew: “Why don’t penguins have teeth?”

(I, not wanting to make anything up, decide to give him a very quick overview of evolution.)

Me: “Well, they don’t need them. You see their ancestors came from really little birds who couldn’t—”

(Out of nowhere.)

Sister: “Their teeth fell out when they stopped brushing them!”

(My nephew gets a horrified expression and RUNS to the bathroom, and immediately starts trying to brush his teeth.)

Me: *incredulously* “That was mean.”

Sister: “It’s called being a mom!”

Booking Forward To The Future

, , , , , | Right | May 31, 2017

(I’m working at the customer service desk, and a customer comes to ask a question.)

Customer: “Where can I find a book? I can’t find one anywhere.”

Me: “Um, well, there are books everywhere. You see them everywhere you look.”

(The customer looks all around.)

Customer: “Those aren’t books. Books are those pads you can play games on.”

Raise A Broken Glass To That Employee

, | Supermarket | Right | August 23, 2015

(I’m a manager at a popular grocery chain. A certain brand of pasta has just been recalled due to some broken glass getting mixed into some of the batches of boxes and as a precaution, all boxes are removed from the store. One of my new employees, a high school part-timer, is stocking shelves with me. She’s so timid that she makes a rabbit look exciting, but she is normally very good with customers. On this day, a well-dressed older gentleman approaches her and asks about the pasta brand.)

Employee: “Oh, sorry, sir. That brand has been involuntarily recalled.”

(Most people understand that that means we have none of it and I thought it would be the end. However, when I hear her scream suddenly, I turn to see the man has hurled his shopping basket at her face and she’d barely managed to duck in time.)

Man: YOU’RE F******* KIDDING ME! I NEED THAT FOR MY GRANDSON’S BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! YOU’RE GOING TO GET THAT SCRAWNY LITTLE A** BACK IN THAT F****** STOCKROOM AND GET THAT F****** BRAND NOW!!

(I’m about to storm over, but to my surprise and amazement, my employee gets right up, composes herself and turns.)

Employee: “Right away, sir. I’ll be right back.”

Man: “WALK FASTER, YOU LITTLE SNOT! I’M IN A HURRY!”

(Dumbfounded, I watch as she goes to the back for a minute and comes back out with one of the recalled boxes AND the notice stating the recall. She hands him the box.)

Employee: “Is this what you wanted, sir?”

Man: “YES! You’re too f****** slow!”

Employee: “My apologies. Oh, and sir, could I get your grandson’s name, please? I’d like to send him a get-well soon card in a few days when he’ll have to be hospitalized.”

Man: *whirls around* “WHAT?!”

Employee: “Oh, yes, sir. Eating broken glass is sure to lacerate his insides horribly. He’ll be hemorrhaging blood, no doubt, maybe throwing it up as well. It’s really not a pretty sight. That’s why this brand has been recalled and taken off the shelves. Some broken glass got into the mixing vats at the factory. But if you’re so insistent on having THAT brand of pasta, then I guess it can’t be helped.”

Man: “Y-YOU’RE S****** ME?!”

Employee: “No, sir, I’m afraid I’m serious. We have some generic brands of the same thing that’ll taste about the same if you’d like.”

Man: *pales considerably and drops the box* “Uh… y-yeah, sure. Can… uh, can you show me where they are? Maybe?”

Employee: “Of course. They’re right here, and they’re actually cheaper!”

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