Me: “Hi, I’m looking for a DVD set for a TV series from the 80s.”

Employee: “The 1980s?”

(This is a very American fast food place. We serve burgers, fries, frozen custard, etc. This customer comes in about once a month and tells the same jokes every time he orders. This time, he happens to come in with his family.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, do you have sushi?”

Me: “No, sir. We have burgers.”

(The rest of his family orders.)

Customer: “And I’ll have some cheese turds.”

Me: *reads back their order to make sure I’ve got everything, including the cheese curds* “That will be [price], please.”

Customer: *hands me a couple of twenties, which I check for a watermark* “Oh, those are good; I just made them this morning.”

(Later, I’m cleaning the dining room, when the son-in-law tells me they spilled a cup of iced tea. I end up getting down on my hands and knees to mop up the yellowish spill with a towel.)

Customer: *to his wife* “You did tell her it’s pee, right?”

Me: “Sir, you’re not as funny as you think you are, and most people don’t pee ice cubes.”

Wife: “I don’t think anyone’s ever told him that before.”

Me: “Then it’s about time.”

(It’s first thing in the morning at the Visitor Center and I’m working behind the counter, sending out some emails. A couple with two middle-school-aged kids comes in and starts looking at brochures. The wife picks up a map that tells some of the history of Arizona and opens it up — I assume, as my back is turned to her while she is doing this. The woman gets angry and chucks the map at the back of my head.)

Woman: “This is a horrible map; it doesn’t even show Hopi! It only shows Navajo Nation. I bet the Navajo love that!”

Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have any control over what is printed on the free maps.”

Woman: “I would complain to the publishers! They don’t have Hopi on this map!”

(My coworker and I look at each other, eyebrows raised.)

Me: “I’m sorry that map isn’t what you want; here’s a free map of Arizona that has all of the reservations on it.” *hands woman the map*

(After she left, we looked at the map in question. The counties were shown on the map, and none of the reservations. “Navajo” in this case was referring to a county.)

This story is part of our Native-American roundup.

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(I work at a popular pizza and arcade place. A customer and presumably his girlfriend come to the register to place an order.)

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Place]. What can I get for you today?”

Man: “What do y’all sell here?”

Me: “Pizza.”

Man: “Oh. Y’all got chicken?”

Me: “We have chicken wings, and slices of chicken you can put on your pizza.”

Man: “But you don’t got no, like, fried chicken?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Oh. Y’all got waiters?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Man: “Well, how’s the food get to us?”

Me: “I’ll give you this buzzer, and when it lights up and vibrates you can pick your food up over there.”

(I point at a counter where several other people are picking up their pizza.)

Woman: *seeming a little impatient* “Okay, how about a medium pizza, and some breadsticks.”

Man: “Man, I ain’t eatin’ no breadsticks. I need more than that; I’m like a gorilla.”

(I work in a retail sporting goods store, where we sell a variety of footwear. Requests for men’s size 14 shoes occur frequently. Though the styles are limited, we do carry this somewhat uncommon size.)

Me: “Can I help you find anything, sir?”

Customer: “No. You don’t have what I need.”

Me: “Well, if you let me know what it is, we might.”

Customer: *clearly skeptical* “I need size 14 shoes.”

Me: “Oh, we do actually carry them! I know it’s a tough size to find, but we do have 14s in select styles—”

Customer: *cutting me off mid-sentence* “’Select styles’ just means ‘no.’” *walks away without waiting for an answer*

(I’m still not sure how he expects to find shoes with that attitude!)