Bilateral Symmetry Meets Botched Schooling

, , , , , | Right | May 31, 2011

(I am organizing my area of the store when a customer and her young daughter come in.)

Girl: “Mommy, why can’t I marry my cousin?”

Mother: “Because you’re too closely blood-related.”

Girl: “What’s ‘blood-related’?”

Mother: “It means if you had a baby together, it might come out with a deformity. You know… like having two arms.”

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Their Policy’s Days Are Numbered

, , , | Right | March 18, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Insurance Company]. How may I assist you?”

Caller: “I have a question about my policy.”

Me: “I can help you with that. Do you have your policy number?”

(There’s a long pause. I can hear the ruffle of papers.)

Caller: *shouting* “God d*** it!”

Me: “I’ll take that as a ‘no’.

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Not Quite The Code To Success

, , , , , | Right | February 22, 2011

(A friend of mine comes in to buy something. I help her find it, check her out, and we make plans to meet up after my shift is over. We’re both 22-year-old brunette girls.)

Coworker: “Hey, I think there’s a guy on the phone for you. Did you just help a tall brunette girl?”

Me: “Yep, I’ll take the call.”

(I take the phone.)

Me: “Hello this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Did you just help a girl find a book?”

Me: “Yes, it was a copy of the new Margaret Atwood book. Would you like a copy?”

Caller: “Is that like a code or something?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Caller: “Someone asks for that book and you go home with them?”

Me: “Sir, she just happened to be a friend of mine. We made plans to hang out later today. Can I help you find a book?”

Caller: “Oh, so is there a book code that means I can have a threesome with you two?”

Me: “Uh…”

Caller: “Wait, are you the one with big boobs or no boobs?”

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Getting To The Out Source Of The Matter

, , , , | Right | February 8, 2011

Me: “Hello, you have reached [Business Name]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Oh, thank God! I was just talking to some mush mouth who couldn’t speak English right at all. You shouldn’t outsource; do your employers outsource? People can’t understand you when you outsource.”

Me: “Well, I am sorry for that. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I want my password. That mush mouth changed it, and now I can’t log in.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am. May I have your ID and what you want your password to be?”

Caller: “Just change it back to what it was.”

Me: “Well, I apologize, but I can not do that. For security reasons we can not see a password, only set it to something else. I can set it to a default or anything you request.”

Caller: “Well, I am requesting the old password. Just fix it.”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, but it’s impossible for me to know.”

Caller: “Well, my internet knows. It tries to use the password. Just take it from that.”

Me: “I can not take a password from your browser. If your login was working, why did you call to change your password?”

Caller: “The news told me people can take that information and steal all your files, so I was worried.”

Me: “Ma’am, your information is safe, I assure you.”

Caller: “Then why can’t you just change my password back to ‘Password’?”

Me: “Your old password was ‘Password’?”

Caller: “Yes.”

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Your Argument Doesn’t Hold Water

, , , , , | Right | February 2, 2011

(At the college bookstore where I work, students can sell their books back for cash at the end of the semester.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I won’t be able to buy your textbook back because of the water damage.”

(I flip through the book’s crinkled, sticky pages.)

Student: “Oh, it’s okay. It’s not water damage, it’s humidity. I went on vacation to Missouri and it was humid.”

Me: “I still can’t take your book back because I cannot sell this to another student in this condition.”

Student: “But it’s not water damage! It’s humidity! The humidity made the pages stick together!”

Me: “Ma’am, what is humidity?”

Student: “Water, duh!”

(There’s a pause while the wheels begin to turn in her head.)

Student: “Oh… can you help me find my other books, then?”

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