Needs A Profane Amount Of Restroom Breaks

, , , , , | Right | April 19, 2018

(At our restaurant, which closes at 4:00 am and opens again at 10:00 am, the bathrooms close at midnight. They open again for neither love nor money, so at 2:00 am, I’m cleaning one of them.)

Random Dude: *kind of angrily* “Yo, can I use the restroom?”

Me: “Restrooms are closed. There’s a public restroom at the end of this building; it’s around the corner, on the left.”

(The guy mumbles something I can’t understand about his friend and the public restrooms, to the eventual effect of, “I don’t want to use those.”)

Me: “Restrooms are closed.”

Random Dude: “When do they open?”

Me: “10:00 am.”

Random Dude: *suddenly shouting* “Well, f*** you, too, b****!”

(I shrug and finish cleaning up the bathroom, and then come back behind the counter.)

Random Dude: *in the middle of talking to one of the managers* “That’s him! That’s the guy! He said, ‘F*** you! Restrooms are closed!’”

Me: “Sir, I did not use such language.”

(I continue to the back to put up the cleaning supplies, and when I return to the kitchen…)

Manager #1: “Did you really say that?

Me: “No, I did not.” *I relay the exchange* “—and then he started screaming profanities at me.”

Manager #2: “Yeah, I didn’t give him anything. I gave him the number to the franchising office, told him we were store number [other location’s number], and said your name was [Not My Name].”

(I nodded and continued with my shift.)

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Turkish (De)Lights

, , , , | Working | April 19, 2018

(I don’t smoke, but I’m heading over to the home of an adult friend who does. They ask me to pick up a couple packs of cigarettes on the way. They tell me exactly what type they want, but I unfortunately forget almost as soon as I hang up the phone. No matter; I know what the cigarettes LOOK like, and the brand, so I figure I won’t have any issues getting them.)

Me: “I’d like two packs of [Brand] 100s, long.”

Cashier: *picks up two packs of cigarettes in a red package*

Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry. I meant the ones in the gold package.”

Cashier: “Lights?”

Me: “Uh… Sure?”

(The cashier picks up two packs that are blue instead of red.)

Me: “No, I’m sorry, the gold ones.”

(I point at the clearly visible gold ones, just under the red and blue. The cashier puts back the blue ones, and picks up the red ones again; he seems to be laughing at me not knowing what to call them.)

Me: “No, no, the gold ones, there.” *points again*

Cashier: “Oh, you mean the Turkish ones.” *finally picks up gold pack*

Unfiltered Story #109151

, , | Unfiltered | April 18, 2018

(I am working the overnight shift at a hotel. We lock our lobby, so the only physical interaction we have with guests is through a little teller-window. Three boys come up, asking for a duplicate key to their room and change for the snack machines. One is very small, one is mid-age, and one tells me he is eighteen.)

Older kid: Y’know, at other hotels they wouldn’t even give us a key.

Me: *laughs a little* Well as long as you are registered here, you can get a key.

Youngest kid: They didn’t let us at [other hotel]!

Me: Well we’re much more awesome.

(Kids all laugh, then older kid leans against the window)

Older kid: You’re really cute!

Me: *laughs, thinking he’s joking, as I am overweight and wearing an oversized sweater against the chill* Honey I think I’m probably ten years older than you.

(The boy tries to convince me to date him, and after I refuse the boys move off after getting the change. After this, they come back.)

Older Boy: I know it’s really early but do you have any milk?

Me: No, sorry, the breakfast lady keeps it under lock and key.

Middle Aged Boy: Do you know a place where we could get some around here? Within walking distance?

*I give them directions, and after sending the younger boy off at the room, the two older boys get ready to leave.*

Me: Be careful, people are crazy out there!

Older Boy: Like I’m crazy for you?

Me: Uh, no seriously be careful out there, people are homicidal crazy.

Older Boy: Like I’m homicidal crazy for you?

Me: Aaaaand that’s creepy, night! *slams window shut*

(Needless to say, the night only got weirder.)

CSI: 1880

, , , , | Working | April 14, 2018

Me: “Hi, I’m looking for a DVD set for a TV series from the 80s.”

Employee: “The 1980s?”

Being Treated This Way Is No Joke

, , , , | Right | April 10, 2018

(This is a very American fast food place. We serve burgers, fries, frozen custard, etc. This customer comes in about once a month and tells the same jokes every time he orders. This time, he happens to come in with his family.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, do you have sushi?”

Me: “No, sir. We have burgers.”

(The rest of his family orders.)

Customer: “And I’ll have some cheese turds.”

Me: *reads back their order to make sure I’ve got everything, including the cheese curds* “That will be [price], please.”

Customer: *hands me a couple of twenties, which I check for a watermark* “Oh, those are good; I just made them this morning.”

(Later, I’m cleaning the dining room, when the son-in-law tells me they spilled a cup of iced tea. I end up getting down on my hands and knees to mop up the yellowish spill with a towel.)

Customer: *to his wife* “You did tell her it’s pee, right?”

Me: “Sir, you’re not as funny as you think you are, and most people don’t pee ice cubes.”

Wife: “I don’t think anyone’s ever told him that before.”

Me: “Then it’s about time.”

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