The Most Important Human Resource Is Your Mother
My mother is a Vice President for Human Resources of a company that employs over 5,000 employees. She has seen it all in her thirty-plus years of service. In comparison, I am a twenty-six-year-old female engineer straight out of college and at my first job — a startup, no less.
It is not a stretch to say I am not the least professional person in the office and sometimes, depending on who is employed, I am certainly the MOST mature person in the office. However, I also have the added benefit of being able to run things by my mom. She is wonderful as she is the first person to tell me when I am being irrational, out-of-line, or unprofessional. My bosses, on the other hand, are in their late fifties and mid-sixties, respectively, and there is no Human Resources to run things by for them.
The Vice President of Sales And Marketing is a real treat — abusive, domineering, cruel, vindictive, and unethical. She is the true package and everything you should aspire to be… if you aspire to be a Vito Corleone wanna-be of small businesses, that is. It is safe to say that I really dislike her. I cannot say anything nice about her, professionally or personally. There is just nothing decent about her as a person.
After four and a half years of abuse, I finally decide to file an official complaint about her. This thing is a glorious twelve-page document with examples of her expecting me to embezzle from the company for her (and as a result, her stealing from me), buying a personal laptop with company funds, threatening to withhold paychecks, sexual harassment claims, violating ADA laws, and even direct quotes of her disparaging the owner’s wife. It is a masterpiece.
After I write it up, I have my mother check the language.
Mom: “So… I love about 95% of it.”
Me: “Let me guess what the 5% is. I knew you would have an issue with that bit.”
Mom: “I know she is ‘a bad manager, poor salesperson, unprofessional coworker, unethical employee, and an overall all-around horrible person,’ but you cannot say, ‘overall all-around horrible person’. In court, it comes off as inflammatory and like you are trying to escalate rather than deescalate the situation and find a solution.”
Me: “Do you have any recommendations?”
Mom: *Pauses* “Well… no. It is pretty on the nose, actually. I cannot think of a better, more truthful way to describe her.”
We went with “really not a nice person,” instead. At least the document speaks for itself.