One of my best friends always used to do this thing where we would say something, and she would then say, “Your mom’s [whatever we said].” For instance, when I was mentioning how hungry I was before lunch, she’d say, “Your mom’s hungry.” More often than not, it happened without her really processing what she’d heard and she’d blurt out her response. This was one of those moments.

In mid-November, my mother passed away. (You can probably already tell where this is going.) This incident took place in April. I was playing an action game on my phone before school in the cafeteria where we usually sat with a few of my other friends when she walked to our table. Just to mess with me, as I was tapping the screen to send my team to attack, she said, “You missed one!” My response, because it was the truth, was that it was because that character was dead. Her immediate reply was, “Your mom’s dead.”

The moment she finished her sentence, she realized what she’d said and the horror crossed over her face. She immediately started to apologize and hug me. Knowing that it was never her intention to hurt me and this was an automatic thing, I laughed it off and told her we were good. And we still are good to this day. She’s basically a sister I never got and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

(I am another customer in line behind this… interesting customer at a popular coffee shop.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a tall mocha and the lemon pound cake.”

Barista: “Okay, so, I’ve got one tall mocha and the iced lemon pound cake! Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “No! No! No! I don’t want my lemon pound cake served on ice! I just want it regular, out of the case here!”

Barista: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, I must have not said it right; the lemon pound cake has a thin icing on it, and it’s officially called ‘iced lemon pound cake.’ It’s not served over ice or anything.”

Customer: “Well, you should change the f****** name! It’s misleading! I haven’t had my coffee yet, and neither has anyone else here! How can we be expected to know that?!”

Barista: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, I understand what you’re saying. Sadly, I don’t have control over the names of our products, since that is decided by corporate.”

Customer: “That’s not my f****** problem! I deserve it free now!”

Barista: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t do that.”

Customer: “F*** you, then!”

(This takes place at a fairly nice restaurant at the table next to where I am sitting.)

Customer: “Can you remake this Bloody Mary?”

Waitress: “What’s the problem with it?”

Customer: “It’s too weak! I can barely taste the Mary Juice!”

Waitress: “I will have them remake it with more… Mary Juice.”

(I work for a cell phone provider, primarily setting up new lines of service. I have two trainees sitting with me so they can listen to live calls.)

Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need to reconnect my wireless home phone? My home phone? The phone? It was disconnected today, and I need to reconnect it. You can do that? Right? You can do that? I want my activation fee waived, too. Speak to your supervisor, yeah? Your supervisor will waive it?”

(The whole time, it sounds like he’s talking with one breath, extremely fast.)

Me: “Well, let me see. May I have a phone number on your account?”

(He then proceeds to list off ten different numbers, all without taking a break. Finally, I get one that pulls up an account. Even if a line is disconnected, we can still see it on the account. There are at least sixty disconnected home phone lines. In the minute it takes me to pull up his account, he is continuously saying, “Hello? Hello?” despite me reassuring him that I’m still on the line. I pull up his notes on the account, and he has been adding on the home phone, getting the activation waived, and then removing the line two to three days later. This has been going on for at least five months. In fact, last time it happened, it happened to my coworker. An instant disconnect is known as churn, and if it happens enough, you can be fired, so I’m extremely hesitant to even do the order.)

Me: “Sir, can I ask why you disconnected your phone today? I see it was just added on two days ago. I also see that this is a frequent pattern on your account. Is there a residual issue with your phone? We should be able to fix any concerns.”

Customer: “Well, to be honest, I thought it was going to be too expensive. I know better now. Can you waive my activation fee? Go to talk to your supervisor. Can you waive my activation fee?”

Me: “I will try, but you’ve received at least $180 of credit this month alone. Is the phone going to remain active, or are you planning on disconnecting it?”

(For the first time since we started speaking, he goes quiet. After about thirty seconds he speaks again.)

Customer: “Yes. Tomorrow.”

(My trainees started laughing, just bewildered. I told the customer I was going to place him on a silent hold, and went to speak with my floor support. They told me we couldn’t waive the activation fee, and to flag down his account for fraud because they thought there was more going on. By the time I got back to my desk, he had hung up. I wasn’t gone for more than two minutes. The trainees told me that the entire time, he’d kept saying, “Hello? Hello? Hello?” without faltering once. I noted the account to not give him any more credit, and as I was filing the claim to send to our fraud investigation team, I noticed that someone else had added on his home phone and given him a credit, and the customer had already disconnected it again.)

(My friend is doing some shopping. He goes to get some cereal, and there’s a shopping cart in the way of the cereal he wants with a kid sitting in it. He looks around, and the mother is over in a completely different aisle. He thinks, “Whatever,” and asks the kid to hand him the cereal he wants. The kid does it, and then my friend gets an evil idea and acts on it.)

Friend: “Hey, kid, can you say, ‘cocaine’?”

Kid: “Cocaine!”

Friend: “All right!” *fist bump*

(Then he left that aisle and went elsewhere. He was shopping in the next aisle over when the kid’s mom returned and asked, “What kind of cereal do you want?” to which the kid shouted at the top of their lungs, “COCAINE!” If you leave your kid THAT unattended in a grocery store, that’s probably the best outcome: some prankster teaching them to say something they shouldn’t.)