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Hey, Man, Hakuna Matata

, , , , , | Romantic | July 23, 2022

My South African spouse and I are watching a live performance of “The Lion King” and enjoying the costuming, songs, etc. After intermission, the stage opens on a nighttime scene. My spouse glares at the display for a moment, and then turns to me and says, in his best radio announcer voice:

Spouse: “That is not the correct Southern sky!”

Galloping stick giraffes, dancing baboons, and costumed lions were all acceptable, but for authenticity, get the constellations correct!

Loquacious, Verbose, Prolix, Discursive, Garrulous, And Orotund!

, , , , , | Romantic | July 21, 2022

I met a twenty-four-year-old girl on a dating app, and we decided to meet for a date. We spoke shortly before, and I should have known this date was going to be a “fun” one when she’d asked me:

Girl: “So, what are your qualifications?”

Me: “Qualifications for…?”

Girl: “Your academic background, silly!”

Me: “I have a Master’s in computer science if that’s what you’re asking.”

She replied about her own academic history and later sent me a PDF copy of her thesis, which struck me as rather odd for a first conversation. Being that it was 100-something pages discussing existentialism, it didn’t hold my attention for longer than ten seconds.

Then came the date. (Note: This clearly isn’t the exact dialogue; this is just how it sounded to me.)

Girl: “So, in your opinion, would you agree that the empirical ascertainment of the capricious marginalization of proletarian citizens in a stratospherically centralized ethnostate persistently dictates an unimpeachable system of heterogeneous hierarchy, or do you maintain a pantheistic perspective which scintillates the irrefragable evidence that such a denigrating theorem has yet to be unequivocally proven?”

I responded after a five-second pause.

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Girl: “It’s a simple question. What didn’t you understand?”

Me: “The entire question. Maybe ask that again in plain English?”

Girl: *Curling her nose in disgust* “I thought you had a Master’s degree!”

Me: “I do—”

Girl: “Then you should know what I’m saying!”

Me: “Let me put it in a better perspective. I have an extended academic background in the field of computers and information technology.”

Girl: “You have a MASTER’S DEGREE—”

Me: “It doesn’t mean I’m a human dictionary! I have extensive knowledge of computers. Ask me about programming languages, algorithms, or network security, and I’ll talk your ear off for the next two hours. Ask me about philosophy, and I’ll give you a blank stare!”

Girl: *Shaking her head* “Forget I asked.”

She then proceeded to chat about herself, her third self-published autobiography on Amazon, her views on everything that was ten letters long and ended with “-ism”, her membership at the “XYZ and ABC Society,” and on and on.

When the waitress finally asked if she could bring the bill because her shift was ending, I could have hugged her.

Needless to say, that date was ghosted. But out of bored curiosity, I looked on Amazon for her self-published autobiographies. I found one… with a single one-star review saying, “The author of this ‘book’ seems to have an unhealthy infatuation with her thesaurus. I couldn’t get past two chapters because half the words and terms were constantly used out of context, while the other half I constantly had to look up in the dictionary!”

Has Eyes But Did Not C

, , , , , | Right | July 21, 2022

I was taking a customer’s order over the headset when I ran into an unfortunately common issue: was he asking for iced tea or Hi-C? I tried various ways of clarification, including slowing down, enunciating, and using Hi-C’s full name, “Hi-C Fruit Punch” but I still couldn’t get a clear answer, so finally I punched in Hi-C.

Me: “Does everything on your screen look correct?”

Customer: “Yes.”

So, I told him his total and moved on.

I wound up being the lucky bugger who took his order out to the stall. He wanted iced tea. I got things sorted, but really, WHY SAY YES IF THE ANSWER IS NO?!

Eight Whole Minutes Never Felt So Good

, , , , | Working | July 15, 2022

I recently started working for a breakfast chain as a dishwasher. I used to only be scheduled in the evenings due to my class schedule, but I’ve started to be scheduled in the mornings. I feel a bit walked over when it comes to this, and I have been trying to come up with a way to stand up for myself.

During one shift, I notice that there are periods of time when the servers are getting breaks despite the rush of customers, while I (and the others in the back of the house) do not. Because customers keep coming in, there is a constant rush of dishes that have to be taken care of for the entire shift, on top of the side work that I need to complete.

Exactly eight minutes before I am scheduled to clock out, I go to the front of the house to get some water. As soon as I lean on the counter, the manager walks by and notices.

Manager: “Oh, [My Name], you look tired! Do you need a break?”

I take a second to process what he’s saying, especially since he’s the one who made the schedule and writes it in multiple places, so he should know when everyone’s schedule is. I look him dead in the eye and get real serious.

Me: “I am scheduled here until two o’clock. I’m supposed to go home soon.”

Manager: “Oh.”

He tries to look away for a second, but I keep eye contact.

Me: “So, can I go home?”

Manager: *Pauses* “Yes.”

I didn’t get in trouble for talking back, and I’m really proud that I was able to stand up for myself just a bit.

That’s A Whole Lotta Cake, That’s A Whole Lotta Trouble

, , , , , | Right | June 19, 2022

I work in a corporate call center for a big chain grocery store. Today is Father’s Day. It’s my first call of the day and I can tell immediately that it’s gonna be one of those calls by her tone when she says:

Customer: “I need to make a complaint. I don’t usually like to complain, but this is unacceptable.”

She called her store’s bakery for a same-day cake pickup of a simple cake, lemon filling. It didn’t even need writing on it. The employee she spoke to said that she couldn’t take the order today because she was the only cake decorator in today and she was already very busy.

Because it’s Father’s Day.

Customer: “I’ve never felt so disrespected! She turned my order down! How dare you not take an order?! Do you not want my money? I decided to call the bakery back and tell the employee that I was gonna call corporate because I didn’t like that they weren’t able to do my order. The employee got her manager, and the manager said they could have the cake ready after three, but then they checked the inventory and there wasn’t any lemon filling. I’ve never been denied a cake before! It was inappropriate and disrespectful for them to be out of lemon filling and for them to tell me that they couldn’t take my cake order!”

They were understaffed, and it was Father’s Day, and she wanted a same-day order. I so wished I could’ve reached through the phone and smacked some sense into her.