Unmasking His Numerous Failings

, , , , , | Friendly | August 29, 2020

I go to a local chicken place to pick up something for dinner and the drive-thru lane is ridiculously long. I opt to just park and go inside where I can see no one else is. Luckily, I keep a mask in my car in case of situations like these.

While I am inside, four other people arrive: three men and one woman. All are about age fifty or over. Two of the men are wearing masks and the woman and one man are not. I order my food and step to the side to wait. During this time, the man not wearing a mask, dressed in a full cowboy get-up, begins berating me and the other two men for wearing masks, saying, “That’s not gonna do s***.” The other two men start defending themselves from this completely uninvited criticism, and soon, all three are arguing over masks.

I finally have enough listening to this guy and politely tell him that none of us asked for his opinion. He wheels on me, gets very upset, and tells me I need to respect him because he’s sixty-two years old. He says this like he’s proving a point, to which I simply reply, “Good for you.” 

He continues to say that people like me are what’s wrong with America and insulting my weight. 

He steps up to me like he’s going to take a swing at me, but I continue to lean against the wall, not rising to the bait. The other customers are shocked at how mad the guy is getting. 

The line finally moves and the guy keeps muttering under his breath at me. My order is finally ready and I get my order. When I get outside, the woman who was inside says she is going to wait for the man to exit so she can write down his license plate number. It seems she smelled something on his breath and knew he shouldn’t be driving. 

The moral of the story? Just stay in the car and wait in line!

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A-Salted By Stupidity

, , , | Right | August 19, 2020

I’m flagged down by a customer who has been standing slack-jawed in front of the Himalayan salt lamp display for a really long time.

Customer: “Hey, what’s the deal with this? Why the heck are you selling rocks?”

Me: “They’re decorative lamps.”

Customer: *Skeptically* “Say what? How are people supposed to use a rock as a lamp?”

Me: “You just plug it into an outlet and change the bulbs out like a normal lamp?” 

Customer: *Laughing* “Plug in a rock?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. See how it has a cord… and is lit up?”

Customer: “That’s stupid. Why wouldn’t people just buy a normal lamp?”

Me: “Some people think the crystals are pretty.”

The customer has a momentary gleam of shrewdness in his eyes.

Customer: “Crystals?! You don’t even lock them in a case? Shoot, if someone stole a crystal this size, they could pawn it for a mint.”

Me: “Not all minerals are that valuable. These are just big salt crystals; they would melt if you got them wet.”

The customer recoils like a vampire from a crucifix.

Customer: “Oh, h*** no! Is this going to give me a heart attack?” 

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “My doctor says I need to stay away from salt because my blood pressure is too high!”

I die a little inside.

Me: “It’s a lamp. As long as you can avoid eating it, it shouldn’t affect your health.”

Customer: “Oh, I can’t take that risk! I gotta stay away from salt, and I’ve been standing here this whole time! I got the high blood pressure!”

He approaches me again later, asking if we have any food he can eat — just the vague category of “food”. I try showing him how to read nutritional labels so he can look at what he normally likes to eat and determine whether it will be harmful to his condition. This is complicated by the fact that he is still convinced proximity is a factor.

Me: “See here, how this one says on the front that it’s unsalted?”

The customer takes off down the aisle to what he arbitrarily determines as a safe distance.

Customer: “Oh, my blood pressure can’t handle that! I can’t have no kind of salt, not even unsalt.”

Me: *Calling after him* “Sir, unsalted means there is no salt.”

Customer: “Yeah, and my doctor said I can’t have no salt! I got high blood pressure!”

This went on ad nauseam until I decided he was either trolling or beyond help and excused myself to get back to my tasks.

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Unfiltered Story #205683

, , , | Unfiltered | August 17, 2020

(It is fairly unusual for us to still have openings on whatever day it is. Also, we close for lunch at 11:30)

*Phone rings at 11:27*

Me: “[Clinic], this is [my name], how can I help you?”
Client: “Hi, this is [client’s name]. [Cat] has been throwing up all morning, when is the soonest you could see him?”
Me: “Well, we actually have an opening this afternoon. Would you be able to bring him in for an appointment at 2:30?”
Client: “Oh, don’t you have anything sooner?”

Unfiltered Story #205653

, , | Unfiltered | August 16, 2020

I was browsing in this store when another customer called to me for assistance with putting a safe in her cart.

Me:*points to one style of three* This one?

Her:*exasperated click of tongue.* I know how much it is, I just want you to load it in my cart*

Me: Okay.

Her:*grumbles all the while, then walks off without a word of thanks.*

I wish I would’ve called her on the attitude. “Look, you. I don’t work here. I’m helping because I’m nice. Continue with the attitude and I’m done.” Rest assured I’ll remember for next timr!

This Is How The Rich Stay Rich

, , , , , | Legal | August 13, 2020

A coworker of mine relayed this story to me when he was doing pest control in an area where the homes were spaced very far apart and were often summer homes for the rich and affluent, so they sat empty for many months of the year.

He arrived at the summer home of a customer and began working around the exterior. He noticed an extension cord plugged into one of the exterior outlets and trailing off into the distance. He followed the cord, which attached to another cord, then another, and another, for the minutes it took to reach the next house over, where it became apparent the cords were leading. I forget the exact distance, but I believe it was somewhere in the realm of two miles between the houses.

Naturally, he called the customer and innocently inquired if they had given their neighbor permission to leach their power while they were away.

The customer promptly called the local police. Not sure what came of that, but a while later my coworker received a gift basket and thank-you card from the customer.

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