Will Get It Done Come Rain Or Shine

, , , , , | Right | May 8, 2020

I work for a landscape design company in southern Arizona. I have a client who lives here during the winter when it is much warmer than their main home, which is Seattle. 

We are installing a landscape. It starts raining and we tell our crews to leave the site and quit for the day as the ground is becoming very muddy; plus, it is cold outside and we don’t want them to get sick.

The client calls me, speaking in an irate voice.

Client: “Why is the crew leaving? It is only 11:00 am.”

Me: “We told them to stop for the day due to the rain. Since it is cold outside, they could get sick. Also, because of the bare dirt in the yard, if it gets muddy they could make ruts in the yard, making more work for us and costing you more money to repair the damage.”

Client: “Workers where I am from work in the rain all the time.”

Me: “Well, that may be true, but when it gets above 90 degrees, are workers where you are from still working or do they quit for the day? Our crews here work many days in heat above 110 degrees.”

There is a long pause, and then he finally speaks before hanging up.

Client: “Well, they’d better finish on time.”

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Unfiltered Story #193859

, , | Unfiltered | May 7, 2020

(I used to work in a bakery within a grocery store. We had a constant deal my entire time working there: “French bread, hot at 5pm or it’s free!” This exact ad was on every price tag we printed out of the machine, unless the item being printed had a deal going on, which took up the same place on the tag. This event occurred more times than I dare to count.)
Customer: I’m looking for [item]?
Me: Let me show you. *leads them to the item* Here we are.
Customer: *reads only the ad at the top of the tag* No, that’s french bread, I don’t want that.
Me: . . .
(Every single package we used was perfectly clear, you could see the item inside it. What really floored me was the time some old man was asking for slices of black forest cake, so I showed him the tiny square package, and he put it aside and walked away cause it was “french bread”.)

Are You Prepared For What Happens When I Throw You Out?

, , , , , | Friendly | April 30, 2020

I have a sign on my gate that says, among other things, “NO RELIGIOUS INQUIRIES.”

I’m enjoying a Saturday when my doorbell rings. At my front door is a woman in extremely casual dress; she looks like a biker chick. There are various females outside my gate. I’m instantly cautious.

Me: “Hello.”

Woman: “I see by your sign that you don’t want religious inquiries, but I’m not here to talk about religion. I just want to give you a gift. But before I give you the gift, I just want to ask, are you ready for what happens to your soul after you die?”

The girls and other women behind the gate look uncomfortable.

Me: “You need to leave.” 

She protests.

Woman: “I didn’t make any religious inquire-eyes! I just offered you a gift!”

Me: “You need to leave.”

Woman: “But I’m offering you a gift!”

Me: “Leave now.”

She left, but I wish I had called the police. In my jurisdiction, ignoring the sign is trespassing. And yes, asking me if I’m prepared for the afterlife is a religious inquiry. Across the street, I could see the male division of her party harassing my neighbor.

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Unfiltered Story #192460

, , | Unfiltered | April 25, 2020

I used to work in a smoothie shop. We make samples sometimes. I’m a guy with fairly short hair and my coworker that day was also a male with fairly short hair (this is relevent).

Customer : [yapping to a friend] “Yeah, yeah I come in here alllll the time, they’re great! I get suuuuch good service and discounts all the time! Hey! Excuse me! My friend would like to try some samples!

Me: [I’ve worked here for over a year… You are not a regular customer.] “Sure thing! What can I get you? Just so you know, our most popular flavors are [rattles off three top sellers]”

Customer: “We’ll try [lists off three most expensive smoothies on my menu].

Me: “Coming right up!” [I go and make the samples myself] “Here you are!”

Customer: “We’ll have two of these!”

Me: “Alright, your total is $12.82, they’ll be out shortly.” [I have my coworker make them. He is competent.]

-several minutes later-

Customer: “Excuse me, these don’t taste right.” [smoothies have hardly anything missing from them. Nothing seems amiss].

Me: “Well! In that case, I can either remake them, or I would be more than happy to make you a different smoothie!”

Customer: “Then can we get two of these?”

Me: “of course and they’re on the house!”

-several minutes later the customer comes back in screaming-

Me: “May I see the hair?”

-Customer holds out several strands of long, blonde hair covered in smoothie-

Me: “Well, I just so happen to be a member of management. Let me ask the person who prepared these. [Coworker’s name] GET OUT HERE NOW AND TAKE YOUR HAT OFF.

-coworker comes out. He is not wearing his hat to reveal his extremely short hair.-

Me: “How odd. Neither me, nor my coworker are blonde, nor do we have long hair. Strangely enough, your friend is a blonde though. Tell you what. I will refund you and politely ask that you do not return to this establishment.”

She got her money back. She never came back.

Telling A Joke But All You Get Are Crickets

, , , | Right | April 17, 2020

I work in a pet store, and there is a regular that is in all the time. She is very nice and always makes light chat. Normally, I am in the fish/animal department where she shops but today I’m up on the registers.

Regular: “I have a number of crickets and these.”

She motions to her other items and I enter the codes.

Me: “Your total is [price]. So, where’s [Husband]?”

Regular: “He’s at home.”

She hands over a crumpled wad of cash, which I start to straighten.

Regular: “It’s the right amount.”

Me: “Oh, I believe you. You’re here all the time. I’m just flattening them so they lay in the register easier.”

Regular: “Okay. Sorry about them. They went through the wash today.”

Me: *Completely serious* “Been laundering money, have we?”

Regular: *Laughs* “Wow, that was so… punny.”

Me: *Laughing, too* “I couldn’t help myself! No regrets!”

The regular is still laughing as she gathers up her stuff.

Regular: “I guess I set myself up for that.”

Me: “See you later!”

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