There is a mini-arcade in our store that’s mostly a money trap — a few games of chance and some claw machines. Two customers walk in; only one of them does the talking.

Me: “What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I was wondering if y’all could open up the claw machine in your arcade and grab a duck out of it for me?”

I take a moment to process what I just heard.

Me: “I’m sorry, can you please repeat that? It almost sounded like you wanted me to open up the claw machine and grab an item for you.”

Customer: “Yeah! I’ll even give you $5 to do it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I am unable to provide that service. I think you will need to call the service number on the side of the machine for those kinds of inquiries.”

Customer: “Oh, is that how it works?”

And he left without altercation. I seriously wondered if he had never visited an arcade before.

I am managing a series of escape rooms one evening. A group of nice but ditzy college-aged customers have just gone through the induction and have started their challenge.

The theme is an Amazonian rainforest, and the group is trying to escape an ancient temple. One of the puzzles is a riff off of Indiana Jones where they have to swap the idol with a counterweight, except this time instead of a booby trap this action will open the next section. The group has had access to enough clues that they need to put five pounds of weight on the scale when they remove the idol.

I am listening in and monitoring from our control room.

Customer #1: “We need to put the five-pound weight on it!”

Customer #2: “No, wait!”

Customer #1: “What?”

Customer #2: “This temple is in the southern hemisphere, right? We need to put on the two-and-a-half-pound weight, instead!”

Customer #1: “Oh, yeah! You’re right!”

I am almost tempted to ask a big “Why?” over the intercom, but one of the group members gets there before me.

Customer #3: “What are you talking about?”

Customer #1: “The southern hemisphere is closer to the sun, so gravity is halved.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, the people who made this escape room are probably thinking we’d not know that!”

Customer #3: “Absolutely everything you just said is 100% wrong.”

Customer #1: “Excuse me, [Customer #3], but who is the one majoring in geography, here?”

Customer #3: “None of us, apparently…”

They did not escape the temple.

Content Warning: Gross

I used to work at a mini golf course. It had little houses with doors that opened and closed that people would hit their balls into.

Someone took a gallon-sized bag full of diarrhea, opened it up, and threw it inside there. People started coming up to the counter with golf balls covered in diarrhea.

I worked at the prize counter of an arcade. I often had little kids come up and say, “I want that!” while touching the glass, pointing to something I couldn’t really see. I would use the scanner to scan the barcode to take away the tickets on their card.

I could also add tickets because we had a game that awarded plastic coins, each of which was worth one or five tickets.

Every once in a while, there would be a kid who would say, “May I please have a [prize]?” and say thank you when I gave them their toy. I would tell them and their parents how they could keep their cards for reuse the next time they came, and they and their parents would say thank you and that they would, but little did they know, I had added 500 to 1000 tickets to their cards for the next time.

I went mad with power when I worked the booth.

In 1995, I decided to join the military. The day that this happened was one of the worst days of my year. What should have been an easy couple of hours turned into an all-day event — paperwork was lost, two recruiters were in car accidents on the way to get me, and I didn’t have a lot of money for anything. The one thing that got me through my ordeal was the small arcade they had in the waiting area. I had about $5.00 to spend to keep my mind from going nuts. I have been gaming since I was about three years old when my dad introduced my brother and me to his Atari 2600. I am now forty-four.

The arcade had “Street Fighter,” “Mortal Kombat,” and some other random games. I was in heaven. I put in a quarter and started playing “Street Fighter.” It’s one of the few fighting games I am not the best at but can make my way through.  

After a few games, I heard someone walk in behind me. I kept playing, and a few moments later, I heard, ever so quietly:

Young Guy: “Oh, the girl thinks she can play.” *Chuckles*

I snickered and turned my head to see a tall, young guy standing about six feet from me.  

Me: “Did you say something?”

Young Guy: “Oh, no, just watching you play. Do you know how to play that game? Looks like you are having problems.”

I smiled, hiding the glint in my eye.

Me: “Yeah, this one I’m no good at. It’s just passing the time while I wait.”

He smiled.

Young Guy: “Tell you what. I’ll challenge you to this one.”

He nodded his head toward “Mortal Kombat.”

Young Guy: “Do you think you can handle this one okay?”

Me: *Coolly* “Well, I’m not sure. It looks fun, but I’ve never played it before.”

He pulled out a few quarters and put in one for each of us.

Young Guy: “I’ll teach you. Pick a character.”

I picked Scorpion because, honestly, I knew a few moves, but he was not my favorite. I can button mash with the best of them though. Two rounds later, I played coy and asked for some pointers. After he played it off for a bit, I challenged him to another round, this time with my favorite character: Kitana. First round — flawless victory. The second round was more of a challenge because he got mad, but I still got him. Three dollars in quarters later, he started to cuss me out.

Young Guy: “You’re playing me!”

I smiled ever so sweetly.

Me: “Oh, this little girl is a gamer, and you just got your a** beat.”

He walked away, cursing under his breath.