Me: *Picking up the phone.* “We’re making magic here at Ch—”

Caller: “Sexy voice for a sexy lady, eh?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “Yeah, I wanted to ask about some of your ‘prizes’.”

Me: “Sure? What are you looking for?”

(He begins to read me a long list of sexual objects and attempts to talk dirty.)

Me: “Sir, this is highly inappropriate.”

Caller: “If you’re offended, why do you work at [Adult Store]?”

Me: “Because I don’t. I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Who am I talking to, then?”

Me: “[My Name] at Chuck E. Cheese.”

Caller: “Oh… Oh, my God! I AM SO SORRY!”

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Me: “Hi! What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Well, I have two coupons here. One is a large pizza, four sodas, and 70 tokens for $29.99. The other is for a large pizza, four sodas, wings, and 110 tokens for $29.99. Which one is better?”

Me: “Well, I’d personally go with the second one. It’s the same price, plus you get an extra order of wings and 40 more tokens.”

Customer: “You’re just trying to get more money off of me, so you picked the worse deal. I’ll take the first coupon, idiot!”

(I’m working the cash register at an arcade. This arcade is known for having an animatronic band that performs.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Medium pizza, pepperoni on half…” *mumbles and trails off*

Me: “Can you please repeat that last part?”

Customer: *mumbles*

Me: “I’m sorry, a medium pizza with pepperoni on half and what else?”

Customer, to his son: “Now look at how cheap this technology is. It can’t even tell what I’m saying! D*** robots.”

Me: “Um… sir? Is there a problem?”

Guest, to his son: “Look! It can tell I’m a man. Maybe this hunk of metal isn’t that bad. It does look pretty real. I just wonder why they didn’t make it thinner and cuter.”

Me: “Oh, thanks. Maybe it’s ’cause I’m not a robot?”

Customer: “Sure you’re not.”

(He later gets into an argument with a manager and accuses him of being a robot. He then tries to “ruin the scrap metal” by throwing a glass of water at him.)

(I should point out that I have a set spiel for dealing with customers that come in pairs, and that the pair here were of a decidedly rotund bent.)

Me: “Right, three tokens. One each, and a fight.”

Male Customer: *laughs* “Oh, we don’t fight.”

Female Customer: “Yes we do, [name]. It just only happens when you’re wrong about something.”

Male Customer: “Like when I say you can still fit into your wedding dress?”

Female Customer: “Like when you say you can fit into doors.”

(My parents are having dinner at a popular pizza arcade; it’s also where my little sister and I work. They happen to be sitting within earshot of the following conversation.)

My boss, to me: “You. Go put on the [character] costume for [male coworker’s] party.”

Me, to male coworker: “Aww, I hate having to wear that costume. I just know those kids are going to attack me again.”

(My male coworker wraps his arms around my shoulder.)

Male coworker: “It’s okay, I’ll protect you. If any little kids come up to you, I’ll beat them up for you!”

(He starts to walk me back to the costume room and we pass right by my parents.)

Mom: *yelling* “Quick! Marry him now! Your father would never beat up any little kids for me while I was wearing a rat costume!”