Not A Different Kettle Of Fish

, , , , | Right | October 26, 2018

(I work at an aquarium. A woman walks up to me while I am tending to the fish. She looks slightly troubled.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Can you help me with something?”

Me: “Sure, what can I do for you?”

Customer: “Well, I see that you take care of all these fish, so you must know what you’re doing. I have never kept fish before, and I’m a little out of my depth.”

Me: “All right. I can help you out with that.”

Customer: “Great! See, my son just got sent to prison, but he had a fish tank. I was hoping that, if I show you a picture of the fish, you could identify them and tell me how to care for them.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear about your son, but I will certainly look at the fish.”

(The customer pulls out her phone and shows me a photo of a tank filled with large striped fish. I identify them instantly but am anxious about offending this nice woman.)

Me: “Those are… uh… Honduran red-point convict cichlids.”

Customer: *slowly smiling* “That’s perfect!” *bursts into laughter*

(We then happily discussed the proper care of her new inmates.)

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My Wife Is My Stingray Of Sunshine

, , , | Right | September 11, 2018

(I work at an aquarium. I’m at the touch pools supervising to prevent any incidents, when a new group of people walks up to the pools.)

Me: “Hi, guys, would you like to touch a creature? If you would, you’re just going to use one or two fingers and stroke.”

Guy In the Group: “That’s what I tell my wife, too.”

Me: “I’m not sure how to respond to that.”

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She Has A Crab Mentality

, , , , , | Right | June 29, 2018

(At the touch tank of the local aquarium, this happens:)

Guest: “Can you make the hermit crabs gladiator fight?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Guest: “Yeah, like, can you make them fight each other?”

Me: “Well, they’re typically not aggressive to each other, and for the safety of our animals, we try not to encourage or instigate fights between them.”

Guest: “Well, I bet I can make them fight to the death, like, a gladiator fight.”

Me: “Please don’t do that.”

(The guest takes the hermit crabs out of the water, places them next to each other, and goes as far as to draw a circle around the hermit crabs for them to “fight” in.)

Me: “Please let the hermit crabs go.”

Guest: “Okay, okay.”

(Luckily for me, she left, and the hermit crabs scuttled away from each other without fighting. All was well, but please, lady, listen to the employees! They know what they’re doing!)

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They’re Being Poor Examples Of Mammals

, , , | Friendly | July 12, 2017

(I’m looking at an exhibit with a dolphin. A mother with a stroller and a 4-year-old boy as well as a group of rowdy teenagers are nearby.)

Mom: “Look, sweetie, see the big fishy!”

Teens: *jeering* “It’s a MAMMAL.”

Mom: *ignoring them* “He’s coming closer. Say ‘hi’ to the fishy!”

Teens: *louder* “It’s a MAMMAL, lady! Not a FISH! Gawd, are you really this stupid?!”

(She gave up and led her son away so that they could try to enjoy the aquarium in peace. The teenagers continued to laugh and make fun of the poor mother. I wish I had the guts to remind them that biological classification wasn’t important information when they were that age!)

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You Can Do Bet-ter

| Romantic | December 14, 2016

(During my senior year, I volunteer as a docent at the aquarium. I am one of the “funny guys” in the group of docents. A lot of my jokes are about my love life, or rather lack thereof. One day, as I walk into the break room, this happens.)

Volunteer: “Hey, [My Name], you wanna go on a date?”

Me: *completely serious* “What was the bet?”

(Everyone burst out laughing because, apparently, she actually did lose a bet. To be fair, I didn’t like her that much and would’ve most likely said no even if there wasn’t a bet.)

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