My Phone Is Dying

| Iselin, NJ, USA | Working | August 4, 2013

(My grandmother has just passed away, and we are cleaning her apartment out when the phone rings. My dad answers.)

Dad: “Hello?”

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is a message from [grandmother’s synagogue] for [grandmother]. To hear the message now, press one. If you want us to call back, press two.”

Dad: “Well, we might as well press one and hear it.” *presses 1*

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is [synagogue] with sad news. Congregant [grandmother] passed away yesterday. Funeral services will be at [date] and [time].”

Dad: “Did they really just call her to tell her she died?”

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Extra Reserves Of Stupidity

| Fairfax, VA, USA | Right | May 14, 2013

(I’m about to move into a new apartment. The parking situation at this complex is pretty relaxed. It allows guests/non residents to park there during the day, in any spot that isn’t reserved for residents who pay extra for their spots. I go to the leasing office to pick up my keys. I’m about to go up to the counter, when a woman bursts into the office and yells at the receptionist.)

Woman: “Excuse me! I think my car was just stolen!”

Receptionist: “Stolen? Oh my gosh! Where was your car?”

Woman: “I was at my friend’s home for just a few minutes. I come outside, and my car is gone. It’s just gone!”

Receptionist: “Well, do you think you may have parked it in a reserved space? We have a tow truck come in to clear cars in reserved parking spaces.”

Woman: “What? No one told me not to park in such a space! Besides, my friend is out of town so she couldn’t even tell me not to park there. And besides, I was only inside for a few minutes!”

Receptionist: “I really do apologize, ma’am. Let me find out what I can.”

(The receptionist tries her best to calm the woman down, and calls the contracted tow company. She gives them a description of the car.)

Receptionist: “Yes, ma’am, they did tow your car. You had parked it in a reserved space.”

Woman: “This is ridiculous! I have an appointment in 30 minutes; I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this!”

(The receptionist is trying to be as accommodating as possible. I end up taking a seat, realizing I’m not going to be getting any help until this is resolved. The receptionist disappears into the back office to get approval to order a cab, and even have the property offer to pay for it. As soon as she leaves, the woman looks at me.)

Woman: “It’s like we’re living in a police state. It’s totally unbelievable! People are waiting in the bushes for the littlest things. You know, I was just feeding my friend’s cats! No good deed goes unpunished.”

Me: “I’m moving in today, and a few weeks ago when I came here for the first time, I knew better than to park in a space that had ‘RESERVED’ written on it in large letters.”

(The woman shuts up and waits for the girl to come back. She was not necessarily calmer, but she did tone down her ranting!)

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Best To Couch Your Criticism

| USA | Working | December 5, 2012

(I’m moving into a new apartment building, and one of my neighbors is helping me move a heavy couch up the stairs. While we are moving the couch, the building maintenance man gets in our way and will not move. Note: I am a male in pretty okay shape, and my neighbors is female and also in good shape.)

Maintenance Guy: *to my female neighbor* “Hey, fata**! I need a word with you.”

Me: “Could you move, please, [name]? Just so we can get up to the landing and put the couch down.”

Maintenance Guy: “Just hold onto it. Worthless fata**es like you could stand to burn the extra calories that holding something heavy takes.”

Me: “Hey, buddy back off, man. She’s not fat.”

My Neighbor: *to me* “Oh, don’t bother… he’s not worth listening to… about anything.”

Maintenance Guy: *to my neighbor* “SHUT UP! I SAID I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!”

My Neighbor: “Fine, talk then.”

Maintenance Guy: “You turned in a request to have a light fixture fixed.”

My Neighbor: “Yes, I did. My roommate and I need the light in that room.”

Maintenance Guy: “Well, I can’t fix it until you get rid of your cat.”

My Neighbor: *frowning* “Excuse me?”

Maintenance Guy: “I’m mildly allergic to cats. So you have to get rid of that stupid beast.”

My Neighbor: “I’ll just fix if myself if you can’t take allergy meds like a normal person.”

Maintenance Guy: “Women can’t do electrician stuff!”

Me: “That’s not true. My girlfriend’s an electrician.”

Maintenance Guy: “No, she isn’t! Women can’t be real electricians! It’s not possible.”

(My neighbor sets the couch legs down on a step so it remains even, and turns it around to face him.)

My Neighbor: “How’s about you take your worthless ideas and get out of here, hmm?”

Maintenance Guy: “What’re you gonna do about it, b****?” *takes a swing at her*

(Long story short, she kicked his a** without knocking me and the couch down the stairs. The maintenance man ended up getting fired for feeling up another female tenant and last I heard he’d been arrested.)

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Bosomless Buddies

| Chicago, IL, USA | Romantic | November 4, 2011

(My friend and I walk into our apartment late one night to find our boyfriends discussing the perfect woman. Without them knowing, we silently stand right behind them and listen in on the entire conversation.)

My boyfriend: “A blonde with blue eyes and C-Cups, that’s where it’s at.”

Friend’s boyfriend: “Completely. No questions asked. We just need to find some.”

(At this point, my friend speaks up.)

Friend: “Good luck with that!”

(Our boyfriends turn around, both of them with shocked faces.)

Me: “Well, [friend] and I are going to take our brown hair and B-Cups to bed to sleep. You two can share the couch.”

(Needless to say, they did a lot of apologizing for the next few weeks.)

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