TwiHards Are From Venus, I’m From Veronica Mars

| American Fork, UT, USA | Friendly | July 22, 2015

(I’m watching ‘Parenthood,’ starring Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell’s husband. My roommate has mentioned at least twice a season that he’s married to Kristen Bell because she’s such a Veronica Mars fan that she made me watch season one on vacation and we saw the movie an hour drive away.)

Roommate: “So, Kristen Stewart’s husband on this show.”

Me: “Kristen Bell.”

Roommate: “Right.”

Me: “Did you really just mix up Bella Swan and Veronica Mars? I don’t want to know you.”

 

There Are Doctors, And There Are Dockters

| CA, USA | Romantic | July 21, 2015

(My fiancée and I are at our separate computers when she notices a story on Tumblr about a doctor with an interesting surname.)

Fiancée: “If my last name was Dockter, I don’t think I would ever become a doctor.”

Me: “If my last name were Dockter, I would totally have become a doctor. Are you kidding me?”

Fiancée: “There are two kinds of people…”

Un-Lease Hell

| Fort Worth, TX, USA | Working | January 15, 2014

(I manage a small apartment building. A tenant sends me an email hypothetically asking what the penalty for early termination of the lease is. As we have done different things for different people in the past, I decide to call the owners to ask what they want to do.)

Me: “Hypothetically speaking, what is the penalty for a loft tenant breaking their lease? [Tenant] was inquiring because his job has the potential to take him away from here, so he would like to know just in case.”

Owner: “I don’t have a lease in front of me, but I think the penalty is a $10,000 fine and 20 years in a supermax prison.”

Me: “Haha! So I guess the plan is to have [different tenant who is breaking her lease next week] arrested once she hands over the keys? Thanks for telling me so I won’t be surprised when the FBI comes rushing in from all directions.”

Owner: “No problemo. Just don’t forget to wear your body armor, and remember the secret password. It’s ‘bull-s***.’”

The Tricky Side To The Relationship

| MD, USA | Romantic | September 30, 2013

(I am hanging out with my boyfriend and his roommate at their apartment. I get up to grab myself a snack.)

Boyfriend: “Could you get me something as well?”

(I cut him a piece of salami, come back to the couch we were sitting on, and wave it over his head.)

Me: “Roll over!”

Boyfriend: *rolls over*

Me: “Play dead!”

Boyfriend: *flops down on his back and closes his eyes*

Me: “Speak!”

Boyfriend: *grinning widely* “HI!”

Me: “Good boy.” *I hand him the salami*

Roommate: *pulling his phone out* “I’ve wanted to do this for a week now.”

(Our roommate jerks the phone in a whip-like motion, which makes it emit a loud whipping noise.)

My Phone Is Dying

| Iselin, NJ, USA | Working | August 4, 2013

(My grandmother has just passed away, and we are cleaning her apartment out when the phone rings. My dad answers.)

Dad: “Hello?”

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is a message from [grandmother’s synagogue] for [grandmother]. To hear the message now, press one. If you want us to call back, press two.”

Dad: “Well, we might as well press one and hear it.” *presses 1*

Automated Voice: “Hello, this is [synagogue] with sad news. Congregant [grandmother] passed away yesterday. Funeral services will be at [date] and [time].”

Dad: “Did they really just call her to tell her she died?”

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