Another Gay Following

| CA, USA | Romantic | July 23, 2015

(I am female and living with my fiancée. We are both avid Tumblr users, though I definitely reblog a lot more posts than she does.)

Me: “Whoa, wait… how many followers do I have?”

Fiancée: “Too many.”

Me: *checks* “I have 107 followers.”

Fiancée: “Yep. Too many.”

Me: “How the h*** did I get 107 followers? I don’t even remember getting notified.”

Fiancée: “It’s because you’re gay.”

Me: “…What?”

Fiancée: “It’s because you’re gay! You post gay things, and other gay people follow you so they can see the gay things!”

Me: “Yeah, but… most of the stuff that people reblog from me are, like, nerdy things.”

Fiancée: “Then they’re gay nerds!”

TwiHards Are From Venus, I’m From Veronica Mars

| American Fork, UT, USA | Friendly | July 22, 2015

(I’m watching ‘Parenthood,’ starring Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell’s husband. My roommate has mentioned at least twice a season that he’s married to Kristen Bell because she’s such a Veronica Mars fan that she made me watch season one on vacation and we saw the movie an hour drive away.)

Roommate: “So, Kristen Stewart’s husband on this show.”

Me: “Kristen Bell.”

Roommate: “Right.”

Me: “Did you really just mix up Bella Swan and Veronica Mars? I don’t want to know you.”


There Are Doctors, And There Are Dockters

| CA, USA | Romantic | July 21, 2015

(My fiancée and I are at our separate computers when she notices a story on Tumblr about a doctor with an interesting surname.)

Fiancée: “If my last name was Dockter, I don’t think I would ever become a doctor.”

Me: “If my last name were Dockter, I would totally have become a doctor. Are you kidding me?”

Fiancée: “There are two kinds of people…”

Un-Lease Hell

| Fort Worth, TX, USA | Working | January 15, 2014

(I manage a small apartment building. A tenant sends me an email hypothetically asking what the penalty for early termination of the lease is. As we have done different things for different people in the past, I decide to call the owners to ask what they want to do.)

Me: “Hypothetically speaking, what is the penalty for a loft tenant breaking their lease? [Tenant] was inquiring because his job has the potential to take him away from here, so he would like to know just in case.”

Owner: “I don’t have a lease in front of me, but I think the penalty is a $10,000 fine and 20 years in a supermax prison.”

Me: “Haha! So I guess the plan is to have [different tenant who is breaking her lease next week] arrested once she hands over the keys? Thanks for telling me so I won’t be surprised when the FBI comes rushing in from all directions.”

Owner: “No problemo. Just don’t forget to wear your body armor, and remember the secret password. It’s ‘bull-s***.’”

The Tricky Side To The Relationship

| MD, USA | Romantic | September 30, 2013

(I am hanging out with my boyfriend and his roommate at their apartment. I get up to grab myself a snack.)

Boyfriend: “Could you get me something as well?”

(I cut him a piece of salami, come back to the couch we were sitting on, and wave it over his head.)

Me: “Roll over!”

Boyfriend: *rolls over*

Me: “Play dead!”

Boyfriend: *flops down on his back and closes his eyes*

Me: “Speak!”

Boyfriend: *grinning widely* “HI!”

Me: “Good boy.” *I hand him the salami*

Roommate: *pulling his phone out* “I’ve wanted to do this for a week now.”

(Our roommate jerks the phone in a whip-like motion, which makes it emit a loud whipping noise.)