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Circular Lock-gic

| Working | March 7, 2013

(After moving into a new apartment, I notice the mailbox is broken and notify management immediately. After four days, nothing has been done, so I contact them again.)

Leasing: “Hi, this is [name] of [apartment]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi [name], it’s [name] from [unit]. I put a work order in the other day for my mailbox; it’s broken? I wanted to check on that.”

Leasing: “Yes, well, we don’t have another key for that, so…”

Me: “Yes, I know. I really do think the lock is broken. [Name of another person who works there] told me someone would be out on Monday to replace the lock and it still looks the same. I can’t get in.”

Leasing: “Well, there’s no other key, and [maintenance guy] is out clearing snow. There’s a lot of snow. He’s got a lot to clear. ”

Me: “I understand that. I just would like it fixed soon. I’ve got bills coming in.”

Leasing: “Well, that’s fine. [Maintenance guy] can fix it. He can replace the lock.”

Me: “That’s great. Can I get an ETA on that? I understand that the snow clearing comes first.”

Leasing: “He should be able to do it today.”

Me: “Excellent. Well, I—”

Leasing: “Oh, by the way, the mailman said your mailbox is packed.”

Me: “Yes, I know, I—”

Leasing: “You really should fix that. Bye.” *click*

Best To Couch Your Criticism

, , , | Working | December 5, 2012

(I’m moving into a new apartment building, and one of my neighbors is helping me move a heavy couch up the stairs. While we are moving the couch, the building maintenance man gets in our way and will not move. Note: I am a male in pretty okay shape, and my neighbor is female and also in good shape.)

Maintenance Guy: *to my female neighbor* “Hey, fata**! I need a word with you.”

Me: “Could you move, please, [Maintenance Guy]? Just so we can get up to the landing and put the couch down.”

Maintenance Guy: “Just hold onto it. Worthless fata**es like you could stand to burn the extra calories that holding something heavy takes.”

Me: “Hey, buddy back off, man. She’s not fat.”

Neighbor: *to me* “Oh, don’t bother… He’s not worth listening to… about anything.”

Maintenance Guy: *to my neighbor* “SHUT UP! I SAID I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!”

Neighbor: “Fine, talk then.”

Maintenance Guy: “You turned in a request to have a light fixture fixed.”

Neighbor: “Yes, I did. My roommate and I need the light in that room.”

Maintenance Guy: “Well, I can’t fix it until you get rid of your cat.”

Neighbor: *frowning* “Excuse me?”

Maintenance Guy: “I’m mildly allergic to cats. So you have to get rid of that stupid beast.”

Neighbor: “I’ll just fix if myself if you can’t take allergy meds like a normal person.”

Maintenance Guy: “Women can’t do electrician stuff!”

Me: “That’s not true. My girlfriend’s an electrician.”

Maintenance Guy: “No, she isn’t! Women can’t be real electricians! It’s not possible.”

(My neighbor sets the couch legs down on a step so it remains even, and turns it around to face him.)

Neighbor: “How’s about you take your worthless ideas and get out of here, hmm?”

Maintenance Guy: “What’re you gonna do about it, b****?” *takes a swing at her*

(Long story short, she kicked his a** without knocking me and the couch down the stairs. The maintenance man ended up getting fired for feeling up another female tenant and last I heard he’d been arrested.)

Lost & Found Gets Tossed Around

| Right | July 4, 2012

(I am the office manager at a nice apartment building. It is a secure building that requires anyone entering to use a key code. We’re located in a safe town, and have never had a single incident of theft or other criminal activity. A resident approaches my desk.)

Resident: “Have you seen my sweater? I think I left in down here a couple hours ago!”

Me: “No one turned one in to me. Have you checked the Lost & Found box around the corner?”

Resident: “Lost & Found box? You mean you leave lost items just out in the open like that?!”

Me: “Yes, we put the ‘found’ items in a single location so people are not running all around looking for them.”

Resident: “That is atrocious! Anyone could walk in off the street and steal from the box!”

Me: “This building is locked, ma’am. The only people who have access to this area have a key code, like yourself.”

Resident: “But someone like me could steal them! I could go to that box and steal everything in there if I wanted to!”

(To illustrate her point, the resident runs around the corner, grabs the Lost & Found box, and drags it over to my desk.)

Resident: *flings items out of the box* “I’m going to steal this, and this, and all of these! THEY’RE ALL GOING TO BE MINE!”

Me: “Uh, ma’am? I’m going to have to ask you not to take items that don’t belong to you.”

Resident: “YOU DON’T KNOW THEY’RE NOT MINE!”

(Suddenly, she spots the sweater she was looking for to begin with, and totally calms down.)

Resident: “Oh. My sweater! Oh my God! Thank you so much for helping me find it!”

(She grabs her sweater and happily skips off, leaving the box and all its items sprawled out over the floor.)

Me: *dumbfounded* “…you’re welcome?”

Rent In Peace

| Working | June 20, 2012

(My grandmother has just passed away. We are cleaning out her apartment, which is in a complex for senior citizens. This takes place at the dumpster outside the apartment as I am throwing her hoarded belongings away. A custodian approaches us.)

Custodian: “Do you have a grandparent living here?”

Me: “Well, my grandmother lived here, but she passed away yesterday, so we’re cleaning out her apartment. ”

Custodian: “I’m sorry, but you can only use this dumpster if you or a family member live here.”

Me: “Well, she did live here, but she just passed away.”

Custodian: “So, you don’t have a grandparent living here right now?”

Me: “Well, no, I don’t.”

Custodian: “So, you can’t use this dumpster.”

(At this point, my dad comes by to find out why it’s taking me so long to throw out a bucket of garbage.)

Dad: “What’s taking so long?”

Custodian: “Do you have a family member living here?”

Dad: “My mom has an apartment here.”

Custodian: “So, she does still own the apartment?”

Dad: “The apartment is still in her name, yes.”

Custodian: *to me* “Why didn’t you tell me your dead grandmother still owns her apartment?!”

Second Thoughts About Second Sight

, , , , , , | Right | November 5, 2010

Customer: “My garbage disposal is clogged up.”

Me: “What is stuck in your garbage disposal?”

Customer: “A crystal ball.”

Me: “A what?”

Customer: “My crystal ball rolled off the counter and fell in my garbage disposal.”

Me: “You didn’t see that coming?”


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