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Lock Horns Over The Lock

| Friendly | January 13, 2015

(I am temporarily living with my grandmother, who lives in an apartment block. The front door is always kept locked. One day I am coming home and a lady is just leaving the building.)

Lady: *holding the door open a little* “Do you live here?”

Me: “Yes, I live here.”

Lady: “So you have your own key?”

Me: “Yes, I have my own key.”

Lady: “Well then, you can open the door for yourself.”

(She proceeded to come outside and make sure the door locked after her.)

The Purple Flower Eater

| Right | October 6, 2014

Manager: *answering phone* “[Complex Manager]’s office. This is [Manager].”

Resident: “Someone dug up my flowers! The purple ones! It’s because purple is the gay color. They think I’m gay, and they hate me, so they dug up my flowers!”

Manager: “Slow down, [Resident]. Who dug up your flowers?”

Resident: “People who hate me because they think I’m gay!”

Manager: “O… kay. When did you plant these flowers?”

Resident: “Yesterday. I had that row of white flowers, and I planted the purple ones in between. It went white, purple, white, purple. But they only dug up the purple ones!”

Manager: “Did you do anything special when you planted the purple ones?”

Resident: “Well, yes. I put some fish pieces in the soil because I heard that it was supposed to help the plants grow.”

Manager: “… [Resident], I think that raccoons dug up your flowers to get at the fish.”

Resident: “What? No, that can’t be. Raccoons are very respectful of nature. They wouldn’t do that.”

Insecurity Deposit

| Friendly | August 8, 2014

(I am moving out of an apartment where I live with several friends, and am trying to get someone to replace me on the lease. I put an ad out online, and find someone that my old roommates like. The lease transfer process involves her sending me a check for the security deposit she is taking over, and all of us signing a document saying we accept the switch.)

Me: “Hey, [New Girl], I’ve got all the signatures and everything ready to go. I’m just waiting for your check and then we’re good.”

New Girl: “Thanks! I can’t pay you right now because I just got some work done on my car, but ask me in two weeks.”

(Two weeks later I text her.)

Me: “Hi, [New Girl]. I just wanted to check with you on the security deposit check. Do you have the money now?”

(I go out to dinner with a friend, and suddenly get a flurry of text messages. I open them to find they’re all from New Girl.)

New Girl: “You don’t have to be such a b**** about it! No, for the record, I DON’T have your money and my uncle is sick and I can’t believe you’re doing this to me right now. You don’t even deserve to get the security deposit back! When I moved out of MY last place I had to just give the security deposit up and that’s the way it goes! I can’t believe you’re doing this! I don’t get money from mommy and daddy. I’m doing it all on my own! I NEED that money more than you do so why don’t you just back off!”

(A few minutes pass and she sends me another text.)

New Girl: “I called [Roommate] and she says the paperwork’s already turned in, so technically I don’t owe you anything. Haha. Oh, well. Better luck next time! See ya later!”

Me: “First off, my parents aren’t paying for anything for me either, so I don’t know where that’s coming from. Second, I actually never signed that document because I was waiting for payment. Now I’m seriously considering whether to sign it at all. I’ll talk with my roommates and figure out what we want to do.”

(Five minutes later, another text comes in.)

New Girl: “What was the account number you wanted that transferred to?”

(I did get the money, with her complaining all the while, and my old roommates still chose to live with her. Shockingly, it didn’t go well.)

A Laundry List Of Incompetence

| Working | August 7, 2014

(The laundry machines in my building use a card system. The machine eats my card with $40 left on it. I call the card company and they say to mail it in and they’ll send a replacement. After a few weeks I haven’t heard anything and my laundry is piling up, so I call them to check up.)

Phone Rep: “I don’t see anything about it in my system. I’ll need to enter your information now.”

Me: “Oy vey. Okay, I can’t really wait for a replacement card anymore, so when that goes through can you just send me a refund?”

Phone Rep: “Okay, so you want a refund check and then a blank card?”

Me: “No, I’m going to buy a card in the machine here. Just send me a refund.”

Phone Rep: “So you want a $40 card.”

Me: “No. I want a refund. I will buy the card myself.”

Phone Rep: “Okay, so it is a $40 refund and a new card.”

Me: “…I think we’re having a miscommunication somewhere here. Please do not send me any kind of card. I just need a refund of $40.”

(We repeated the above almost exactly twice more. I hung up feeling very nervous, but she swore she understood that I would take care of purchasing my own card and she only had to secure my refund of $40… which is why I was very confused when I opened my mailbox today and saw a new card with $4 on it.)

Washing Their Hands Of The Problem

| Working | July 28, 2014

(I am a resident in this apartment complex and the management constantly makes excuses when you need a handyman.)

Me: “Hi. My dishwasher seems to be holding water and not draining. Could you send someone up?”

Management: “Oh, well, you probably aren’t letting the cycle finish. It will pause for about 15 minutes. Just leave it and it will drain.”

(I am all kinds of lazy; I definitely do not try and unload my dishwasher within 15 minutes of hearing it stop. Usually, it will be the next day before I even remember I ran it.)

Me: “I don’t think that is the problem. It happens every time and I haven’t been opening it.”

Management: “I will send someone up to show you how to use it properly.”

(I didn’t even know how to respond, so I just hung up.)