That Deal Came About Organ-ically

, , , , | Right | August 27, 2020

I’m picking up my bike after scheduled maintenance.

Me: “Will I have to sell my soul to pay the bill, or can I get away with just a few organs?”

Mechanic: “It’s not that bad. Rip off your dealer and you’re set.”

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Puffin And Puffin Until You’re Blue

, , , , , | Friendly | July 13, 2020

With lockdown slowly relaxing, I’m able to visit the zoo again, albeit with restrictions; for instance, you need to reserve a time slot. I take one later in the day and happen to be at the sea lions just after they are being fed.

A few years ago, a blue heron — and a flock of seagulls — learned the sea lions’ teatime, as well, and as a protected species, got the occasional fish — not so the seagulls. Through the years, it took up permanent residence in the zoo — still a free bird, though — and, as such, got used to people but keeps its distance.

I am admiring it from fairly close, a one-meter-wide hedge between us, when I overhear some French-speaking visitors exclaim that it is a “perroquet de mer” or, literally, a sea parrot.

I’m telling this to a few friends a few days later.

Friend: “What? Is that even a thing?”

Out of curiosity, I do a Google search and immediately recognize the bird but cannot think of the name in Dutch, nor in English.

Me: “Well, yes, it turns out that it is a thing. It is a… a… Well, it is a penguin that isn’t a penguin.”

My friends got what I meant and had a good chuckle about it. It took another search to find that a “perroquet de mer” is a puffin which, incidentally, in Dutch, also has the word for parrot in its name.

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Unfiltered Story #191926

, , | Unfiltered | April 14, 2020

(the previous owner has just passed away and his grandson has inherited the store, he feels he should work behind the counter to get to know how everything works and if we need any extra staff or a second register, he’s a polite young man and has refused service to rude customers every single time unless they’d apoligize, luckily we don’t get a lot of those types, this day, we have a long line when my new boss asks;

Boss: “Who is next?”

Customer: “Cherry pie, and hurry up idiot, i’m fucking hungry”

Boss: “Sir, there’s no need to swear”

Customer: “Shut up and give me my pie!”

Boss: raises an eyebrow, takes the slice of pie, and takes a bite out of it, starting to slowly eat it while maintaining eye contact

Customer: “Fuck you man! get me your boss!”

Boss: Takes the store phone, hands the customer the horn and punches in a number, his cellphone rings, he answers it “Get the fuck out of my bakery”

Unfiltered Story #188412

, , | Unfiltered | March 7, 2020

(celebrating dark souls 3’s release by sharing a story of a rude customer in our shop a few days after dark souls 2’s release)

customer: *enters the shop and pushes a female regulair out of the way, slams a copy of dark souls 2 on the counter* “this game is rubbish! i want my money back”

me: “sure thing sir, might i ask what’s the issue? it may just be a bug?”

customer: “no it’s some stupid cheating enemy that is imposible to beat”

me: “ah yes, some bosses can be accessed quite early but are a bit hard to beat without progressing far, whats the name?”

customer: (tells me a name that’s absolutely not a boss it’s more likely to be a PSN username) “it’s a female with a sword and shield and all kinds of magic that shows up randomly in no mans wharf!”

me: “that’s not an enemy in the game sir, you where being invaded, didn’t the game inform you there was an invading dark spirit?”

customer: “well yeah but invaders are people, and people aren’t that good”

female regulair: “actually i am, i’m (PSN username) nice to meet you (PSN username)”

customer: “what? no, girls can’t play hard games”

female regulair: *smiles confidently* “my first invasion i used chameleon to transform into a box, i hid near an item on a clif, and when you grabbed it i used the force miracle to knock you off the cliff, then i used a plunging attack to kill you”

customer: (goes red in the face)

female regulair: “the second time i used my sword and shield and attacked you, you faught very agressive so i lured you into a huse full of varangians, and your blind swinging aggro’d a group of them, you died”

customer: (visibly angry now)

female regulair: “and the third time i used a scimitar in my left hand, waited for you to attack, and parried you, then finished you with a riposte, need me to go over the other 4 invasions?”

customer: (turns to me) “see? she’s that cheater! i want you to remove her from the game!”

me: “the game i just refunded, which you now can’t play anymore?”

customer: “F*** YOU” (storms out)

(it turns out the client was just using a greatshield and turtled his way through, the female regulair had camped out in no mans wharf after collecting invasion items to ambush new players and get “sinner” status to improve her own chance of being invaded, 7 of her 10 kills needed came from the angry customer, i can understand his sour mood though!)

The Belgian Government Is An Emotional Roller Coaster

, , , | Working | February 19, 2020

(In Belgium, we all have state-issued IDs and nowadays they come with a chip. This is, for example, used when filing your taxes — to identify yourself to the computer — and it has your address stored on it, which police and official services can enter with a specific reader. This also comes with a PIN and PUC code. If you lose your codes, you need to ask the government to resend it and they will send it to the city. I recently moved and need to officially change my address. In the city where I live, you need to process it first via the computer, a police officer might check if you’re really living there, and you get an email when your new address is registered. At this time, you need your PIN code and the address to be changed on your ID. This needs to be done in person.)

Me: “Hi, I moved and need to change my address. I already registered it on the computer and received your confirmation mail.”

Civil Servant: *very bright and obviously in a good mood* “And you now need to put it on your ID?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Civil Servant: “Do you have your PIN code?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no, and it hasn’t turned up yet since the move.”

(Her shoulders start to droop, and she sighs inwardly and opens her mouth, undoubtedly to start a spiel she repeated a hundred times before, but I cut her off.)

Me: “I read the email and knew you would need it, so I requested it again.”

Civil Servant: *shoulders lifting again and almost back as bright and chipper as when I entered* “And did you receive the confirmation?”

Me: “I wouldn’t be here, otherwise.”

Civil Servant: *good mood fully restored* “Well, let’s take care of that first.”

(The rest of the transaction went smoothly after that. The mood changes were quite dramatic and as a regular reader of this website, I can imagine what she was expecting. I hope that with the next oblivious customer, there is the silver lining in the memory that at least one person actually read the requirements.)

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