A Vicious Bi-Cycle

, , , , , | | Working | June 13, 2019

(I’m a regular at my bike repair shop since I bought mine from them about a year ago and it’s had its share of problems. This takes place as I’m bringing it in for scheduled maintenance.)

Employee: “Has he been behaving lately? Any problems, complaints?”

Me: “No, he’s very well behaved. He even plays nice with the other bicycles.”

Employee: “Strange, our bikes are bred to be more aggressive for [Suburb the shop is located in, known for its eccentric population].”

Me: “That’s all right; I don’t live here. I live in [Suburb known as a bit of a ghetto].”

Employee: “Yeah, that’s where our bikes usually end up, one way or the other.”

Unfiltered Story #152504

, | | Unfiltered | May 31, 2019

(I’m the customer in this story and I’m finalizing the transaction by paying. I count out the coins. Note: the native tongue is Dutch. Most of the neighbouring countries pay in Euros like us but the UK held on to the pound)

Me: *realizing I didn’t gave enough money to pay for my groceries* Wait. That will not do.
*I go back in my wallet, take out the difference but somehow I take back what I added albeit in smaller change*
Me: No, that isn’t right either. What was the total again?
Store employee: *repeats amount while patiently waiting untill I finally figured it out and have the correct change*
Me: *flushing in embarressement* Is it too late to pretend I’m an English tourist?
Shop employee*snickers and hand me my bill and in English* Thank you, comevagain

Those Who Handle Things Like An A** Get Their A**es Handed To Them

, , , , , | | Right | May 27, 2019

(I work in a supermarket, mostly as a cashier, but sometimes I help stocking shelves. My coworkers and I have had several run-ins with a very rude customer; he’s offensive, condescending, and aggressive if he encounters any resistance. Our manager refuses to ban the guy because they live in the same building and he’s afraid of being attacked. The guy is free to come in and bully us, and customers, quoting, “I’m stronger than you; what are you going to do about it?” After not showing up for two weeks, he limps back into the store with a swollen face, black eye, broken swollen nose, swollen jaw, and a broken front tooth, and a few fingers on his right hand are broken. He looks like he had his a** kicked and no one in the store is sad to see it. After getting his purchases, he limps up to my counter.)

Rude Guy: *sees me staring* “Don’t you f****** laugh!” *clutches his jaw, which clearly hurts*

Me: “Of course, sir. Did you find everything you need?” *biting my tongue so I don’t ask him if he found painkillers*

Rude Guy: “Yeah, just ring me the f*** up.”

(After ringing him through, another regular watches him leave with a smile.)

Regular: “Looks like he found someone stronger than him; what do you think he’ll do about that?”

It’s Not A Resident Problem

, , , , , | Healthy | September 24, 2018

(Our nursing home has a group of volunteers that often help the nurses during meals and do most of the activities with the residents. This sometimes causes visitors to try to get the volunteers to do things they aren’t allowed to, or things even nurses aren’t allowed to do, such as giving medication at inappropriate times or giving extra medication when residents go on holidays with the family. I exit the elevator and hear an argument.)

Visitor: “I don’t see what the problem is. I want to take my mother to [Local Restaurant], but I need her medication. Now go get them.”

Volunteer: “Ma’am, I’d love to, but I can’t. I don’t know which medication your mother needs nor the exact dosage; you’ll have to speak to a nurse about that.”

Visitor: “You are a nurse. You work here. Stop being lazy and go get my mother’s pills!”

Volunteer: *notices me and points at me* “I’m not a nurse, but [My Name] is. If you ask her, she can check which medication your mother needs and give it to you.”

Visitor: “If you’re not a nurse then why are you in my mother’s room?”

Volunteer: “I was picking her up to go to the dining room; neither of us were aware you were going to come and pick her up. Since [My Name] is here, she can help you with the medication. I’ll go and take other residents to the dining room.”

(At this point the resident opens her door.)

Visitor: “You stop right there. I demand you do your job and get me those pills, and then go get your manager or whatever so I can complain about you!”

(Before anyone can say or do a thing, the mother speaks up:)

Resident: “G**d*** it, can you not embarrass me for once? First off, I don’t need medication during lunch! Second of all, we agreed to go out for lunch tomorrow. And third of all, if you don’t apologize to [Volunteer] right now, I’ll go out for lunch with her instead of you!”

(The visitor just mumbles and checks her phone, then runs away after yelling, “I’m sorry.”)

Resident: *to the volunteer* “You’re free tomorrow?”

Volunteer: “I am.”

Resident: “Good. If you want, pick me up at 11:00 and we’ll go to [Local Restaurant].”

A Nice Dungeon Wedding

, , , , , | Friendly | July 22, 2018

(The cafe I work at has a group of regulars who play Dungeons & Dragons at a corner table in the weekend. It’s generally funny to listen in on the game when it’s quiet.)

Dungeon Master: “The thugs attack you. Congratulations; it’s a bar fight. Initiative, please.”

Girl Playing Wizard: “I will hide under the table and plug my fingers into my ears.”

(The rest of the players give her this slightly amused look.)

Girl Playing Wizard: “My character is a bookworm and a coward. Deal with it.”

(Every time she routinely hides during combat — in a wardrobe or a bush, polymorphing into a tree or turning invisible and stomping her feet in place to simulate running away — the group loves it. Later on in the campaign:)

Dungeon Master: *sighs heavily* “The innkeeper’s daughter, charmed and fascinated by your stories, is now in love with you.”

Guy Playing Bard: “Nice!”

Dungeon Master: “She’s sixteen. Her father calls the town guard.”

Guy Playing Bard: “Wait… Oh… What?”

(Cue a twenty-minute discussion about whether the age of consent applies in a largely medieval fantasy setting, before putting it up to vote with us and the patrons listening in. The bard is sent to jail with all votes — jokingly — against him. The adventure moves to breaking the bard out of jail.)

Dungeon Master: “The cell door is locked.”

Girl Playing Rogue: “I try to pick the lock.” *fails*

Girl Playing Wizard: “I think I have a spell for–”

Guy Playing Fighter: “I stuff my stick of dynamite in the lock to blow it open.”

(Total table silence.)

Guy Playing Fighter: “Hey, if it works!”

(Much later in the campaign:)

Girl Playing Wizard: “I cast…. uh… Charm Person on the warlord?”

Dungeon Master: “He throws his axe down and grasps your hand, proposing to you on the spot.”

Girl Playing Wizard: “I try to politely reject him!”

Dungeon Master: “He’s charmed by you, and his behavior hasn’t changed. He grapples you…” *rolls dice* “…and carries you off. That ends today’s session; we’ll pick up next week for the wedding.”

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