Freedom Isn’t Free

| Related | December 6, 2015

(My dad and I are shopping, when we see an eagle statue for sale.)

Dad: “Need an eagle?”

Me: “No, I’ve already got enough freedom at home.”

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Sound Of The Penny Dropping

| Right | January 30, 2014

(We get a lot of people call us up when they find old banknotes and coins. Mostly, they’re worthless.)

Customer: “I’ve found a really old £1 note, and I want to know if it’s worth anything?”

Colleague: “Is there a signature on the front?”

Customer: “It’s ‘DHF Somerset.'”

Colleague: “Ah, well, that note was produced in the early 1980s. It’s not worth anything.”

Customer: “No, it’s much earlier than that! It has the dates ‘1642 to 1727’ on the back, and a picture of Isaac Newton. That’s very old!”

Colleague: “Those are the dates he was alive. Besides, if it was produced back then, they couldn’t have put a picture of the current Queen on the front. Could they?”

Customer: “Oh…”

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Intelligence Is At An All Time Depression

| Right | June 16, 2013

(We have a lot of customers who come in looking for something for someone else as a gift; however they often have no clue what they are looking for. Just ‘that thing their friend collects’.)

Customer: “What is the name of that red glass?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but can you be any more descriptive?”

Customer: “You know, that red glassware that people collect.”

Me: “Um, ruby flash?”

Customer: “No, no, no. It’s old, and collectible!”

Me: “Is the glass itself dyed red, or is it painted red? Or is it a different base color with red designs?”

Customer: “It’s red. Or pink.”

Me: “Cape Code? Currier and Ives? Vaseline? Murano? I…I really need more information before I can help you.”

Customer: “It’s the name of all the glass! I don’t collect it! My friend does! I want to get her some!”

Me: *trying one more time* “Depression?”

Customer: “DEPRESSION! THANK YOU!”

(The customer walks away without even asking me where it is in the store.)

Coworker: “Um… depression glass means any cheap translucent glass that was made during the Great Depression. It comes in almost any color you can think of, not just red and pink.”

Me: “You want to go explain that to her?”

Coworker: “Nope.”

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Coworkers In The Mist

| Working | June 15, 2013

(Two of my coworkers, a boy and girl, are both in their late teens/early twenties and… let’s just say, they’re a little rough around the edges. The boy runs one hand through his hair.)

Boy Coworker: “Ow. Oh, ow. Hey, [girl coworker], come and look at this.”

Girl Coworker: “What?”

Boy Coworker: “Just come and look.”

Girl Coworker: “What, you got a tick or something?”

Boy Coworker: “I dunno. Will you look?”

(The girl proceeds to look through his hair, chimpanzee-style.)

Girl Coworker: “This right here?”

Boy Coworker: “Ow! Yeah, what is it?”

Girl Coworker: “It’s a bump. Like a pimple.”

Boy Coworker: “Can you get it?”

Girl Coworker: “Yeah, hang on.”

Boy Coworker: “Ow. Ow. Ow! Anything come out?”

Girl Coworker: “Little bit…”

(She proceeds to squirt some hand-sanitizer on her hands and goes about her day. Thank god there were no customers in the store, but I wish there were brain bleach to erase that memory.)

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A Measure Of Intelligence

, | Right | February 27, 2012

(A customer has been wandering around our store for 1-2 hours. Finally, they come up to the front.)

Customer: “I wish you had tiled floors.”

Coworker: *confused* “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I wish you had tiled floors.”

Me: “Why’s that?”

Customer: “So I would be able to tell how big your furniture is.”

Coworker: “Well, we have a tape measure you can use. Would you like to borrow it?”

Customer: “Well, I guess that would work…”

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