Zak Bagans Has Fallen On Hard Times
I buy and trade antiques and oddities. I’ve had encounters with many different types of people and many different types of objects. Sometimes a fun and unique item will sit for months, only to have the exact right person come along and snatch it up excitedly, expressing how they absolutely MUST buy this now before someone else takes it away.
Occasionally, however, we get people trying to be sly scammers… minus the sly part. I kid you not, I have had these scammers come into my store, find an object or two of their desire, and then sidle up to me.
Scammer: “I need to talk to you.”
Me: “Do you have a question about one of our items?”
The scammer dramatically looks around and then speaks in a stage whisper.
Scammer: “Well, no, but I have something vitally important to tell you. You see, I’m a medium. I can sense things about objects. I want to warn you that [Object X] and [Object Y] are haunted!”
Me: *Deadpan* “Oh, really?”
Scammer: *Nodding emphatically* “The spirits are really dark and dangerous! I’m willing to take those dangerous objects off your hands for you and surround them with salt so they can’t cause any mischief.”
Me: *Still deadpan* “Interesting.”
Then, I clap my hands loudly, which always makes the scammer jump about three feet in the air.
Me: *Eagerly* “Well, in that case! I need to modify their price tags! [Object X] and [Object Y] are worth [prices]. Now that I know they’re haunted, their value is doubled! We charge for extra attachments, don’t you know!”
I can USUALLY hold in my laughter as the scammer’s brain short circuits because of how I’ve turned their idiotic attempts around in all the wrong ways. They usually stutter and then leave, shaking their heads and loudly bemoaning how our store will suffer the predations of the demon-haunted item.
One tried to argue with me, but I just promised that I kept a volcano and a sacrificial Hobbit on hand at all times to take care of evil items. That shut them up pretty effectively.
What I want to know is… how do these people possibly think that will work? Too much “reality” TV?
