That’s What You Get For Being Under Him

, , , , , | Right | November 13, 2018

(I work at the front desk of an assisted living home, checking visitors in and out, among other duties. Two people are just leaving, male and female relatives of some sort, or maybe just friends. The guy is signing out.)

Guy: “There’s my name.” *signs the time he’s leaving*

Woman: “Oh! My name’s just below. You can do me now, too.”

(I looked up with an OMG-did-you-just-say-that face. She looked right at me with an OMG-did-I-just-say-that face, blushing. The woman and I smirked at each other and the husband just went on, oblivious. I had a good laugh after they left.)

Unfiltered Story #106922

, , | Unfiltered | March 7, 2018

(My mother and I have gone out to get some pet food for our animals before a big winter storm. I have two cats whom I love very much, one of whom I have had since I was a small child, and she has a lovable chocolate lab. I am a cat person and she is a dog person. We are at the counter and a woman wearing a shirt with every inch covered in cat faces is checking us out.)

Cat Lady- Alright, that’ll be (price). Would you like to donate a bag of cat food to the local animal shelter?

Mom- Eh, I don’t know…. Can’t the cats just eat mice?

(The woman and I share a look.)

Me- Are you effing kidding me?

Cat Lady- I will lock you in a room and make you watch Humane Society videos if that’s what it takes to get you to give those poor babies some food.

Mom- Well…. I’m more of a dog person….

Me- I’m going to disown myself. Get the cats some food.

(Another employee, a man wearing a shirt with dog faces, chimes in.)

Dog Dude- In my opinion, cats can go f**k themselves. See this here? (he rolls up his sleeve to show a large scar that was obviously caused by a knife or something of the like) This here is from my mam’s cat, Mr. Bubbles. He tried to kill me. But even if I hate cats, I’ll give them some food because if I don’t, I’m a horrible person. Are you a horrible person, ma’am?

Me: I think so.

(My mom starts laughing and gives them their ten dollars for the cat food. The cat lady hands her a slip for the wall to write her name on and mom looks at me.)

Mom: I’m writing (my name) the Cat Lady on this no matter if you want me to or not.

Unfiltered Story #98102

, , , | Unfiltered | October 17, 2017

(I’m sitting at the front desk like usual, when my coworker comes up. Note that we’re both female. I’m from the US originally and she’s not.)

Me: “Hey [Coworker].”

Coworker: “Hey, do you have a rubber?”

Me: *eyes bug out* “Umm, no? I don’t keep condoms at my desk?”

Coworker: “WHAT?! NO! NOT WHAT I MEANT! A rubber band! A rubber band!”

Both: *dissolve into laughter like children*