Doesn’t Have The Balls

| CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(I work at a spay/neuter clinic. One of my responsibilities is to explain the procedure to the customers when they drop their pets off in the morning, and give them care instructions when they pick their pets up that afternoon. I am explaining proper care of the surgical site to a young woman who has had her dog neutered. I lift the dog up to show where his stitches are located.)

Customer: “Oh my God! Where are his balls?!”

Me: “We removed them, ma’am. That’s… that’s what neutering is.”

Customer: “Oh, no! I thought you were just going to… I don’t know, tie his tubes or something.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if there was a misunderstanding, but I explained the procedure to you this morning. When a dog is neutered, we remove the testicles.”

Customer: “Can you put them back?”

Me: “… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Can you put his testicles back?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m afraid once they’re gone, they’re gone for good.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Well, where are they?”

Me: “Where are…?”

Customer: “His balls.”

Me: “We… removed them.”

Customer: “Yeah, but can I have them?”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Customer: “Can I, like, have them?”

Me: “NO!”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Ma’am, they’re medical waste. We have to dispose of them properly by law.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because… of the law.”

Customer: “Okay, whatever.”

(After she’s gone, one of the other techs confirmed what he thought he had overheard from across the room.)

Other Tech: “What on earth do you think she wanted to do with them?”

He Is Not A-Mew-sed

| USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

(We have only been open for 20 minutes, when I get a call to the front to show a cat to a customer.)

Customer: “Hello, can I hold this kitty?”

Me: “Sure!”

(I take out the cat from her cage; she’s a really friendly grey tabby.)

Customer: “Oh, thank you so much! I can talk to cats, you know! He was meowing at me; he said that I should take him home.”

(The customer looks the cat directly in her eyes.)

Customer: “Meow!”

Me: “Haha, that’s cool. Actually, that cat is female. She’s got all her shots and stuff, so if you want her, you just need to go fill out her paperwork.”

Customer: “EXCUSE ME?”

(The customer then growls at me like an animal.)

Customer: “HE. IS. A. MAN. CAT!

(He puts her back into her cage, and goes off to fill out paperwork on her.)

Coworker: “It’s gonna be a looooong day.”

The Hard-Ball Explanation

| Lexington, KY, USA | Pets & Animals, Rude & Risque

(I am a volunteer at an equine rescue center. I am giving a barn tour to a customer’s wife while the manager shows him a horse outside. This morning, we received a stallion and he’s been kept inside until the vet can neuter or ‘geld’ him.)

Me: “And this is [horse name]. He just came in this morning.”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh, he’s pretty! Why isn’t he out with the others?”

Me: “Oh, he’s still a stallion.”

Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

Me: “He hasn’t been gelded yet.”

Customer’s Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand horse language.”

Me: “Neutered?”

Customer’s Wife: *blank stare*

Me: “He is going to get his boy parts chopped off, ma’am.”

Customer’s Wife: *blushes* “I should go see how my husband is doing…”