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Your Math Is Week

, , , , | Right | November 7, 2019

(I’m working at an animal shelter in the dog area. A customer has just come out of our puppy area. The info sheets of all our animals list their age in years/months; the puppies in this area are generally two to three months old.)

Customer: “Do you have any smaller puppies?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t get small breed dogs that often.”

Customer: “I mean, do you have any younger puppies?”

Me: “No, two months is about as young as they’ll let them be adopted. They have to be spayed/neutered and vaccinated before they can go home.”

Customer: “Yeah, but a two-month-old puppy isn’t like a baby baby puppy, like a nine-week-old puppy.”

Me: “I, uh… Well, actually, a nine-week-old puppy is slightly older than a two-month-old puppy.”

A Period Of Ignorance

, , , , | Right | October 24, 2019

(I am a volunteer at an animal shelter and one of my duties is showing animals to potential adopters. A couple with a young adult son comes in to pick a dog and they have several questions.)

Mother: “I have a question about the female dogs.”

Me: “Okay.”

Mother: “My son said that after they get spayed, they don’t… bleed anymore?”

Me: “Yes, that’s correct.”

Mother: “So, they get their periods, but they don’t bleed during them?”

Me: *mentally facepalming that a woman knows so little about female anatomy* “No, it means the dog has no bleeding, no heat cycle, or period, if you will. Nothing.”

Mother: “Oh, okay!”

(The family chooses a dog and we take her outside so they can get to know her. As we are walking out…)

Father: “Is it true that the dogs don’t get periods after they are fixed?”

(I almost feel bad submitting this story because they seemed like very nice people and I hope they were able to adopt a dog from the shelter, but I am still confused that two adults needed their son to teach them that an animal with no reproductive organs also has no reproductive functions. And what is having a period without bleeding? That sounds like having a headache but with no pain.)

She’s Going To Have Kittens If You Don’t Tell Her

, , , , | Romantic | August 7, 2019

(I volunteer at an animal shelter. We have a man who has driven for an hour and a half to adopt a cat for his wife’s birthday as a surprise. He works in the mines 14 days on, 7 days off, so he usually does not go out on his days off, and apparently, his wife finds this suspicious. He receives a phone call just as he is finalising the paperwork. I cannot hear her end of the conversation.)

Man: *phone rings* “Oh, hello, honey. What’s up?” *wife speaks* “Oh, I am just out.” *wife speaks* “I just had some things to do.”

(His wife speaks a little louder.) 

Man: “Yeah, I know it’s my day off. I just had some things to get!”

(His wife speaks, if possible, louder.) 

Man: “All right, all right, all right! Woman, I’m getting you a birthday present!”

(There is silence for a moment before she speaks again.) 

Man: “No, I’m not going to tell you what it is!… No… No… NO!… If you keep guessing I am putting it back.”

(The kitten decides to meow at him at that moment. There is silence, and then an audible squeal comes out of the phone. He sighs.)

Man: “I will see you soon.” *hangs up* “So much for surprises.”

Even Some Dogs Wear Shoes…

, , , , | Right | July 24, 2019

(I work at an animal shelter. There’s a dad with several children visiting with a dog. The dad is holding a toddler, who isn’t wearing shoes. I’m not super concerned since the child is so young and may not be walking around, but one of the other children — six or seven — is running around the room also not wearing shoes. I poke my head in the room.)

Me: “Hi! Does he have shoes in the car that he can put on?”

Dad: *looks at me like I’m crazy and answers very rudely* “NO!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t have him walking around without shoes.”

Dad: “Why not?”

Me: “It’s unsanitary, both for you and the dogs.”

Dad: “Aren’t there bigger problems in American than a kid not wearing shoes?”

Me: “Not right here, right now.”

(I got a coworker in another department. She told me she spoke to him and eventually got them to leave, but he ended up ranting about the government for a while first.)

The Less Spayed About That The Better

, , , , | Right | May 24, 2019

(I’m working at a small, nonprofit, no-kill animal shelter. All animals are spayed or neutered before being adopted. Most of our dogs are mixed breeds of some kind.)

Customer: “Do you have any male [rare, specific breed of dog]?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. I don’t think that’s a breed we see here very often, if at all. Maybe [something similar]?”

Customer: “No, it has to be [specific breed]. I’m looking for a male to match with my female so they can have puppies.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Even if we did have one, all of our animals are spayed or neutered before being adopted, so you wouldn’t be able to breed them.”

Customer: “But what if I wanted him to keep his penis?”

(I debated explaining how neutering works — that the penis is not actually removed — but ultimately decided that it wouldn’t be a productive conversation and let it go.)