Calls Of This Nature Are Up To Nature

, , , , , | Right | October 16, 2017

(I get a call as an animal control officer.)

Man: “There are squirrels in my neighbor’s tree.”

Me: “They tend to like trees.”

Man: “I need them removed.”

Me: “Umm…”

Man: “They drop nuts in my yard.”

Me: “We don’t do wildlife calls.”

Man: “I need you to remove them from the neighbor’s tree and do your d*** job!”

Me: “That would be trespassing, and we don’t do calls of this nature. I’m not sure anyone does.”

Man: *hangs up*

(Somewhere in my city right now is a man festering with hatred and anger because there are squirrels in someone else’s yard. He’s probably shaking his fist at a tree right now.)

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This Situation Has Gone To The Dogs

| Right | February 17, 2016

(I am the district manager for a company that uses guerrilla marketing tactics. I am out with one of my subordinates doing handouts house to house in a rural area. We happen upon an abandoned house and are shocked to see a puppy and an older dog confined with no access to water or food in 90 degree weather. We call the animal control, which is handled by the sheriff’s department. He is filing his report after having watered the dogs and trying to figure out what to do when suddenly a lady comes stomping through an open field from a house two streets over.)

Lady: “HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DOGS?!”

Officer: *pissed* “Oh, these are YOUR dogs? Well, then, I guess we were just looking for you.”

Lady: “What can I help you with?”

Officer: “Can you please tell me why your dogs are located at an abandoned residence? They didn’t have any water, and it’s hot out here!”

Lady: “Well, my son brought this puppy home yesterday and all he does is howl. We hadn’t figured out what to do with them yet… Why are y’all in my backyard?”

Officer: “This is not your backyard. This an abandoned residence! You live on a whole different street! Your animals should be kept on your property where you can care for them! You understand I could bring charges against you for your dogs not having any water, right?”

Lady: “I gave them water this morning! How was I supposed to know they were out?” *to me* “If you hadn’t been trespassing this wouldn’t be an issue!”

Officer: “Don’t talk to them. Talk to me! You would know they were out of water if they were kept close to your residence!”

Lady: “I’m not allowed to have pets! They shouldn’t have been in my backyard. I want them charged with trespassing!” *to me* “I’ll see you end up in jail for this!”

Officer: “Don’t talk to them. Talk to me. You have to deal with me now because I’m coming back in 24 hours. Here is a list of infractions I need corrected so that YOU don’t end up in jail for animal cruelty!”

(The woman continues to rant about how we were trespassing and since we are supposed to be working we head on our way. I return to the office to find that she has been calling waiting for a supervisor to return. I do not bother to return her call; however, I happened to answer when she calls back in.)

Lady: “I’m trying to reach a manager!”

Me: “That would be me. What can I assist you with?”

Lady: “Oh, good! I’ve been trying to reach you all morning! I just needed to inform you about a problem I had with a few of your employees this morning… They were in my backyard messing with my dogs! For safety reasons I thought this should be brought to your attention. They could get hurt messing around on someone’s private property!”

Me: “Oh! Why didn’t you tell me that when I was there?!”

Lady: “That was you?! I asked to speak to a manager! Let me speak to YOUR supervisor!”

Me: “Well, I am the manager of this unit. Would you like to speak to the district manager?”

(She says yes and I put her on hold for about 10 minutes, smoke a cigarette, and pick back up.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. This is [My Name].”

Lady: “S***! I want to speak to the district manager!”

Me: “Oh! Well, since I manage every store within a 50 mile radius I guess that would be me. My supervisor is actually the owner of the franchise, but he is in Los Angeles for a PETA assembly, so I highly doubt he is going to be interested in your complaint. Now please do not call this number again or I will add harassment to the list of pending charges.”

Lady: *click*

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