(I’m at the exit of a trade fair, stamping people who go out for a smoke or some other reason and then want to get back in. This is because people might go out and give their badge to someone else. In that case, people could get in for free. However, lots of people tend to resist it. Some in very rude ways.)

Visitor: “No, I don’t want a stamp, I’m not an animal. I’ll stay inside, then. It reminds me too much of World War Two!”

(Only minutes later it dawned on me that the lady was comparing my job to the Holocaust and mass murder!)

(My wife and I are in a restaurant having a night out. The restaurant is crowded and clearly understaffed; only one waitress is running to serve everyone. Although it’s clear that she’s exhausted, she keeps smiling and being nice to the customers. I don’t know what happened but suddenly I hear her speaking to a customer in a really angry tone.)

Waitress: “Are you serious?”

(She then she shouts to the entire restaurant:)

Waitress: “Attention, people! This man here just had a 150-Euro meal. He even licked the plate clean as dogs do, and now he’s telling me that his meal wasn’t properly cooked and he won’t pay.”

(Her boss comes out of the kitchen. A heated discussion between the boss, the waitress, and the customer starts. It is soon clear to everyone that the boss is going to let the customer go without him paying for his meal. The waitress is furious, but the boss ignores her. As the customer is ready to leave, the waitress raises her voice once again:)

Waitress: “Dear customers, since my boss decided to let a jerk walk out without paying for the food, I have decided that I’m quitting right now. I suggest you all leave without paying because you all have been patient and lovely. If jerks can get free meals here, I am sure that [Boss] can’t object to nice people getting free meals.”

(With that, she opened the door and motioned for people to leave. Everyone left without paying, but the waitress got some generous tips on the way out!)

I’m helping my friend out in his recently opened computer shop. One day a man comes in; he looks like a businessman. He says that he’s opening a new office in Amsterdam and he needs computers and printers for ten workers. My friend shows him some models of printers and laptops and desktops, points out some possibilities to save money, and gives some advice on back-ups and antivirus software.

The guy seems to be pleased with the advice and orders desktop PCs, laptops, and printers to an amount of 15,000 euros. While my friend is busy doing the paperwork, the man casually mentions that he has a Skype-meeting in a few hours and asks if it would be possible to take one laptop now and pay it later with the rest of the order.

My friend says it’s no problem and tells me to prepare a laptop and install Skype on it. I tell the customer that it may take some time but the guy says he’ll wait.

When I’m in the back room, my friend comes in and tells me to call the police. He goes back into the shop and starts talking to the guy. I call the police and tell them to come because my friend told me so. I couldn’t give a reason but I know it’s urgent that they come.

Ten minutes pass and the police enter the shop. My friend tells them to arrest the customer for fraud. The police are reluctant but when the guy tries to make a run for it, they arrest him.

Turns out that my friend was warned about this kind of scam. The customer never intended to open an office. He just placed an expensive order so that my friend would give him a laptop for free. If my friend would have gone to deliver the order he would have found out that the company doesn’t exist and that there was no office at the given address.

My friend would have ended up with a lot of costs for returning the devices and one 1000 euro laptop missing.

He said he became suspicious when he was explaining things to the guy. The man really didn’t listen and was constantly asking for the most expensive portable devices in the shop. Why would you want to buy ten laptops at 1000 euros a piece when you just were told that laptops that cost only 500 euros would be good enough for sending and receiving email?

Boss: “You can’t go on a break. We don’t do breaks here.”

Me: “But I’m working seven hours. It’s obligatory to let me have a break.”

Boss: “Sorry, there’s no time for breaks.”

Me: “Then you should have more people working.”

Boss: “We can’t afford that.”

Me: “Well, if you can’t afford to run your company in a legal way, you’re obviously doing something wrong.”

(I am having a conversation with a rheumatologist.)

Rheumatologist: “One thing that you probably don’t want to hear is that it would help with some of your symptoms if you were to lose some weight.”

Me: “Yes, I agree. If you look here–” *I tap the relevant paragraph in the paperwork in front of her* “–I have detailed the years I have been struggling to lose weight and the steps I have taken, and have asked if you have any suggestions on how to try to tackle this issue.”

Rheumatologist: “It’s just that your back pain and foot pain will probably be lessened by weight loss.”

Me: “Yes, that’s one of the reasons I have been trying for so many years to lose weight.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, I would suggest you try going to a certified dietician.”

Me: “Here you can see the three I have visited, one of them a year ago, one three years before that, and one three or four years before that. I followed all of their advice to the letter and I did not lose weight.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, it’s still something you might want to try.”

Me: “Well, it isn’t covered completely by my insurance, and I am very poor, so I don’t think I’ll be able to go a fourth time right now.”

Rheumatologist: “I understand. But it might be worth a try, anyway.”

Me: “Well, I will go a fourth time when I can afford it.”

Rheumatologist: “Oh, you’ve been before?”

Me: “Yes. Three. Times.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, maybe you should try going to one via the doctor so that you know you are going to a properly-certified one.”

Me: “I will do this a fourth time when I have the money.”

Rheumatologist: “Oh, you’ve gone to one the doctor sent you to already?”

Me: “Yes. Three. Times.”

Rheumatologist: “Oh, all right. Well, what else have you tried?”

Me: “As you see here—” *tapping paperwork again* “—I have, over the past ten years, done the following: two years of sticking religiously to less than 1500 calories per day while also walking briskly for two hours each day, three attempts with professional dieticians via the doctor, the keto diet for eight months which I just stopped, three years of fasting for three days every couple of months, an intensified exercise program designed by a physiotherapist, and periodic further attempts such as ten months only drinking slim-fast for breakfast and lunch and then eating a minimal dinner. At the moment, I walk a lot and now that my sprained ankle will, after 11 months, finally allow it, I am starting my home fitness routine again, with a cross-trainer and resistance training as far as my back and other joint ills will allow.”

Rheumatologist: “You know what doesn’t cost money? Exercise!”

Me: “Yes… As I said — and wrote — I walk a lot and am working on starting my routine again. At the moment, I walk a minimum of one hour a day just in the normal way of things and I try to do more. I walk pretty fast.”

Rheumatologist: “I understand, but really, it’s not that hard to get started. Maybe just try with 20 minutes every other day and see how that treats you, then build up from there.”

Me: “I. Already. Walk. More. Than. One. Hour. Every. Day.”

Rheumatologist: “I understand. Well, I know you don’t want to hear this, but it sounds like you need to scrap all the fad diet kicks and just eat fewer calories.”

Me: “Yes, I just stopped the keto diet and I will now again do the calorie-counting, while walking more than an hour a day, but as I said, I have already tried reducing the calories and I haven’t had any luck so far. But yes, obviously I will be doing that; otherwise I would gain weight and I really don’t want to do that!“

Rheumatologist: “Well, I understand why you wouldn’t want to do it; if you eat fewer calories, you will have to suffer feelings of hunger sometimes. I understand that this is difficult, so you might not want to do it, but it really is important that you try.”

Me: “Um… Here–” *tapping paperwork again* “–is where it says that I fasted for three days every couple of months for three years. I am not afraid of feelings of hunger.”

Rheumatologist: “Well, okay… I just think it would be good for you to give it a shot. Maybe start with 20 minutes of light walking every day, and see if you can reduce your calories a bit at a time. Maybe cut out desserts a couple of times a week; start from there. Anyway, obviously it won’t cure your fibromyalgia or anything, but if you could lose some weight it would help with the daily toll on your skeletal system, and with the amount of wear-and-tear you’re dealing with that would only be a good thing. Do you have any questions?”

Me: *giving up* “Nope. I’ll do my best.”